Circus’ are scary, and kind of fun. You eat things you’d never eat on a regular day, feel a little pukey..and there are tons of animals right? Total bonus.
I know, no one really goes to the circus anymore because of cruelty to animals, faulty rides, tents and the weird smells. I’ve been doing the IVF thing for a while now with no success, and the only way I can cope is to point out the unbelievable roller coaster of emotions and utter absurdity of it all.
There are parts of it, that are very tender and caring, that involve a lot of feelings I wasn’t sure I was ever capable of. I’ve read a lot of blogs that are really serious about the process of making a baby and becoming and staying pregnant. Pages and pages of disappointment, desperation and despair. Of feeling unworthy, forgotten by God (or whatever you do or don’t believe in) Women beating themselves up because they are unable to do what so many do so easily.
I have those feelings too, days of self-doubt, “am I too old?” “Why me?” Days where I’ve driven myself round the bend with the “what ifs” and the “what happens when?” Days when I have so many regrets I can barely breathe.
Then the days where I can not believe that this is whats become of my life. The days where I look at where I’ve been and wonder how it is I have made it through this far, without pointing and laughing at the sheer indignity of this process. You see, I am the circus animal in this scenario.
There are so many things people don’t tell you about IVF. So many things you have to learn. A whole new set of acronyms. A new kind of diet, weird things that people say work, that defy logic or good taste, and by “good taste” I mean that taste good. You find yourself eating stuff that 3 months earlier would never have passed your lips. Wheat grass anyone? It’s awesome, it tastes just like lawn clippings. Chinese herbs? No? They taste like licorice and dirt. How about some pineapple core? Not the delicious part of the pineapple. Just the core.
Then there is the lack of pants. Which probably deserves its own post. Oh, and don’t forget to say goodbye to your sanity and dignity. Between the hormones, injections, and results, it will at times leave you. Completely.
Join me will you? Like the gypsy from an old Bruce Springsteen song, I can promise a bumpy ride with no clear outcome.