From my music references you might have guessed I’m over 40. You’d be right. I am of Advanced Maternal Age. Which I’m pretty sure means my ovaries hobble around with walkers. I married young, divorced young, stayed single a long time, worked on my career, and concluded that I’d never have kids and that I’d probably never marry again. Then I turned 32 and met my husband. He came with his own ex-wife, a daughter (who is amazing) and a matched set of Louis Vuitton emotional baggage. Not like I didn’t have my own. I did. I do. Whatever, you’re missing the point.
We lived together for 5 years before getting married 6 years ago. He wanted babies before we were married and I wanted to be married before we had babies. It was a lot of work blending our styles, our peccadilloes and our family. He’s also Cantonese, and I uh.. am not. Which came with its own set of cultural issues we worked really hard to overcome. Meanwhile the years were ticking by. We finally married in a tiny ceremony in Yosemite, in March 2006, during a snowstorm but, that’s another Oprah.
Things were going a long really well, suspiciously well, for a couple of years, until they weren’t. I’m not going to discuss that here, but I will say that there was a time about 4 years ago when we nearly ended our relationship. Again, we worked really hard to overcome it and put it behind us but it was hard work, painful and it left some scars. Which brings us to about a year ago. When I suddenly realized that Id been off birth control for a couple of years, and we weren’t having any luck getting pregnant. So I went to my regular OBGYN and asked for some clomid, and a referral. Both of which she gave me. I took the clomid, not having the first idea what the hell I was doing, but I took it and for us it didn’t work. So on to the first IVF clinic. Which is where the fertility circus started.
IVF clinic one was brand new, kind of half-finished, and deserted. I met with the Dr alone, because my husband had to work, and the Dr. took a lot of info down, gave me the price list, told me I had maybe a 10 to 20% chance of success and said it was 36k for a package of 3 attempts not including meds, anesthesia and a host of other things. The number(s) and percentages scared me. But he sent me on my way with a package of info and a list of blood work to get completed.
I was happy though because I felt like I was making progress toward completing the family Id always wanted. The family I’d wished for as long as I could remember. So I took my blood work requests to the lab and got started.
A week or so later they called me with results, told me my FSH was too high and that it was past a level where they were willing to treat me. I cried for about 6 hours. They called me back said they had made a mistake and given me the wrong results. Which made me suspicious, and after a few more weeks of screw ups and there were many, most of which involved a blood glucose test I had to have retaken 4 times because they kept writing it down wrong.. we decided not to go forward with them.
I spent the summer depressed and sad, thinking children just wouldn’t be part of my life. I just couldn’t come to terms with it. This was never what I wanted, it was never how my life was supposed to turn out.