Carnival Swings

You know that swing ride at the carnival, the one that spins faster and faster and the swings spread out and rise through centrifugal force? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Kind of dizzy and light-headed.

I’ve been pretty calm since the Dr told me about the blast. I’ve been happy, calm, feeling really positive and good. Trying to eat right and catching up on my sleep.

Yesterday I started feeling anxious to get started again, I can’t do a transfer with just one blast, because well, I don’t know, I just think that banking is better. You see the more blasts you have the higher the chance that you have a successful pregnancy. Once I get pregnant I will then need to focus on not miscarrying as women of my age are at a higher risk of miscarriage later into the pregnancy. There’s also the amnio, and then, and then it all begins the spiral of crazy. Which I have promised myself I will not be going down again. I’m not a fool, yes I will probably have more meltdowns, but all this anxiety, is under my control. I can choose to give in to it, or I can choose not to. To continue with my little plan of one hurdle at a time. Which is what I have every intention of doing. Each step I get a bit closer to trading each little prize in for a larger one. Realistically, I’m still a ways out so pacing myself is important. In fact it might be the key to this whole endeavor.

Last evening, I wasn’t feeling that well, I was dizzy and tired and taking some stuff upstairs. I have 2 little dogs and they follow me everywhere. I was getting light-headed about halfway up the stairs. I stopped at the top of the landing, the dogs, kind of weaving through my feet, I was already kind of off-balance and I fell. Backwards. Down 16 polished concrete steps. I tried to grab the railing, my butt hit first, and then my head and fell all the way to the bottom. My husband was still at work, and as I lay there at the bottom of the steps, my eyes watering, with the dogs at the top of the stairs looking at me like I was an idiot I realized something. That I’m not doing well enough at taking care of myself. Eating, sleeping and exercising is one thing, but what about managing stress, anxiety, fear of failure and giving in to the spiral of “what ifs?”

4 months ago the overwhelming nature of these thoughts would have brought on an anxiety attack, a barrage of tears and a feeling of defeat. Today I just went to the Dr to make sure I didn’t really hurt myself, I made an appointment with my acupuncture Dr and I began researching meditation and visualization. Even though I feel foolish. I will do it because while I have done pretty well, I haven’t been doing well enough. If I am going to make it through the long road ahead, I must have some more tools at my disposal.

There is a Buddhist temple near where I live that’s so beautiful, and so incredibly peaceful, it doesn’t even seem like you are in Ca. It’s otherworldly. We went there during the Lunar New Year to see the decorations, its been on my mind ever since. I also went there today to clear my head and take in the peace of the place. Plus I took this picture of a statue of Buddha surrounded by children. All fat and happy.

Life wouldn’t be a circus if there weren’t a fun house, some questionable rides, disgusting food and those mirrors where you look all wavy and distorted. There’s some kind of parable or metaphor in this that I’m not articulating well but you get the general idea.

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8 comments on “Carnival Swings

  1. Louisa says:

    Ouch! Hope you are ok! I did a lot of meditation when I was cycling and found it very helpful you can get free downloads from iTunes, meditation oasis has pretty good ones.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thanks Louisa, Im alright, I have a big ugly bruise on my right buttcheek and a lump on my head, but I will be fine.

      What kind of meditation? How do you learn to do it? More importantly how do I learn to do it without feeling absurd? :p

      • Louisa says:

        It was pretty easy, the podcasts are guided meditation—a woman with a soothing voice comes on and tells you what to do–close your eyes, focus on your breathing stuff like that. I did them alone but also on the train on my way to the clinic, no one knows what you are doing you look like you are just resting your eyes while listen to music.

      • Jeanette says:

        thanks Louisa! Any other good tips for me?

  2. babysocks2008 says:

    I love that you went to the Buddist temple. I hope you are feeling better. Good luck with your little Blast-o-bean. I hope this means your journey is coming to fruition…

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you so much! The temple is called Hsi Lai temple I have a ton of pictures, its way up on a hill and its huge, its like being in China or something.

      Thank you for the good wishes about my blast. There is still a long road between now and then and a lot of hurdles to overcome, so I’m no where close to being done. I will do a retrieval cycle a few more times, hopefully at least 2 before transferring again.

      I wish you the very best as well, I also wish some good days for you, some time of contentment where you can get a little distance from it all. Thank you again!

  3. Daryl says:

    Ouch! I’m glad you’re okay. I’ve been thinking the same thing about getting my head just as healthy as the rest of me before progressing. All the stress and anxiety of this ordeal are sure to eat a person alive if you let them. I think meditation sounds like a fabulous idea! Just find a quiet place and breathe! Okay, that’s pretty basic, and I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than that, but it’s a start.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thanks so much! Compared to where I’ve been, my heads pretty healthy, but I could use some more time in the good head space. This process is so hard emotionally, things can be really awesome one day and utterly craptacular the next so the more good head space you have the easier it is to shrug it off and move on to the next thing. Let me know if you find any good meditations or things that help you.. Id love to know whats working for you.

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