Kryptonite

Today was Monitoring Day 3 appt. I was nervous, I admit it.

Blood work and ultrasound, and the results of my AMH test. Blood work was ok. E2 59.9, FSH 11.2. The ultrasound, not so much.  After not being able to find my stupid right ovary again, there were no follicles visible in either ovary. I was nervous about this happening again, after last months cycle. Dr said not to be too worried about it since my periods are every 28 days, my E2 and my FSH are in the normal ranges for my age.

You can learn what AMH is here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-M%C3%BCllerian_hormone

Last month on day 2, E2 was 61, FSH was 13.9. Theoretically these starting numbers are a little better than last months.

The AMH test was .16   Which I believe puts me in the bottom 1 percent of women in my age bracket.

When I asked him what it meant, he refused to answer and said “I want you to go home and do your homework” So I have researched it. Part of me thinks he wants to test me to see what attitude I take, to see if I choose defeatism or to see the more complete larger view. I am a methodical person, it’s very easy for me to get bogged down in the details, the negatives, and focus on a single issue.

Under normal circumstances he doesn’t even bother testing for AMH because unlike a lot of clinics he deals with older women, and some really tough cases. A lot of clinics see AMH as the “gold standard” for fertility. I don’t think he does. He only asked for me to be tested because I had the zero follicles on day 2 last month. That being said, last month I had my best numbers ever and the single egg I did produce, on an un-medicated cycle, became a very high quality blastocyst.

He’s spent 27 years in this field so I’m going to take a page from his book and believe he’s correct. It is a factor. It is not definitive in terms of whether or not I can become pregnant, or what my egg quality is. It does however mean, I need to probably bank while I can. It’s a big deal for me to trust someone like this. I’ve said it before. I question everything.

I joke a lot in this blog, because my life has become something almost unrecognizable to me. I am not normally overly emotional. I am not normally illogical. I am not normally unreasonable.

“Infertility is like kryptonite to reason and logic. When reason and logic are obliterated by that kryptonite, what takes their place is the mental equivalent of a Swiss army knife; a single tool that can make you question your faith, challenge a marriage, wreck a friendship, destroy a savings account…all at once” – http://infertilit-he.com/

I am a control freak. I am type A. I am also a perfectionist, I am methodical, detail oriented, and I am the most pragmatic person I have ever known. I am the Queen of the worst case scenario, and predicting them. It’s been how I’ve coped with my work, my crazy family, (not my husband and stepdaughter) Nothing in my life has ever come easy. Nothing has ever been handed to me. Nothing has come without work, why should this be any different? Even coming out the other side at hope for me has been a journey and hard work. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I refuse to live my life in despair. I refuse to allow this to define me.

Am I scared? Yes. But tonight at 8pm I will take the clomid he gave me, and I will hope for the best. Next week, I will face whatever comes.

Advertisements

6 comments on “Kryptonite

  1. Daryl says:

    I also get caught up in the details rather than focus on the big picture. I know it’s not easy, but thank you for reminding me to do just that. It sounds like you have a great doctor, and more importantly, one you trust. I know there are no guarantees, but if last month is any indication, you’re in good hands and have the potential for just as good an outcome. Good luck!

  2. Amh diagnosis is tough but means nothing apart from lots of drugs for ivf. My advice would be don’t google too much as when you do it gets depressing, unless you dig deep then there are happy endings & low amh stories out there. X

  3. Louisa says:

    My day 3 labs generally suck. Fsh in the 20s amh at 2-3. I was strongly encouraged by 2 REs to give up on my own eggs. So I did but my husband didn’t and I agreed to give them one last chance with mini-IVF. Now we have a 13 month old whose eyes are the same gray blue shade as mine. What did I learn? Don’t let numbers rule your life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s