Were you ever given a “do over” as a child? I’m pretty sure at one point or another most of us have had at least one.
As grownups, we all know that there are no Mulligans. Which is really unfortunate because I’d like to get a do-over on this cycle.
I’d have started it differently. More positive, with a different attitude. I’d have looked forward, facing whatever came next bravely and without fear. If I could do it again, I’d have not spent the last 2 weeks anxious and worried. I’ve tried to find some humor in it all, but this has been another tough one. I’ve felt and probably looked, like a tantruming child.
For the last 15 days there has not been a single moment where I was not scared. Not a single moment where I’ve been a peace with myself. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks trying to control something that is utterly, completely and entirely out of my control.
I didn’t look back at last month and say “I got a blast last month, so in theory, I should be able to do it again”. I should have. What I did instead, was look at every possible negative scenario, and psyche myself into a place where terror reigns. I kept trying to negotiate things that are not negotiable.
There are times when I find this experience so humbling. IVF is brutal. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, it laughs at me and brings me to my knees. I think the lesson is, to be focused on the end goal not on the single cycle. *note to self*: REMEMBER THIS NEXT MONTH!!
In my work life, everything functions around milestones and the critical path. I’m meeting the milestones, I’m on the critical path. I’ve not strayed, my project has been delayed somewhat but its been moving ahead, so why do I keep getting mired down in the minutia? What am I fighting here except myself and my fear of failure?
I’ve asked a lot of questions this cycle. About my Dr, my protocol, where faith comes from, and how do I get some? Who invented liquid soap and why?
It takes a lot of strength and singular purpose to win a war of attrition. With other goals, I’ve risked big and both won and lost big. I won a war of attrition as a single person against an enormous, powerful and intimidating entity. Something happened during that process when I felt so down, so beaten that I got angry, grabbed hold of what I wanted, locked my jaw, stood my ground, and eventually I won.
I can be a force to be reckoned with when I want to be. Infertility isn’t exactly the same that but the principles follow.
Tomorrow I go in again for another egg retrieval. The raw feelings of vulnerability are already upon me. Whatever happens I have to accept it and move on to the next cycle.
I want to take a moment to say that I hope for the best. I hope they get a big fat healthy egg, that it fertilizes and becomes a second little goldfish.
I heard this song for the first time today, and it reminds me of how each month I seem to have to learn the same lessons.
Here’s what I’ve been listening to: