Life and dark

I haven’t posted in a few days, because I’ve needed a break. I didn’t feel good about this past cycle, and the drama surrounding my egg retrieval was almost too much for me. When they called on Friday and said the egg had fertilized and had become 4 cells I was really happy.

On Saturday they called and said, there was a mistake, that it was slow-growing, and was still only 2 cells and since then I’ve been really struggling with some dark thoughts, feelings of defeat and wondering if this endeavor is even worth what I am putting my body, my family and our finances through. The Clomid makes me feel like crap, and I’m now on Provera which isn’t making me feel any better.

While I know “I told you so” is inappropriate in this situation, maybe now you can see why it’s so hard for me to trust.. in general.

Tomorrow the clinic will call and give me a day 5 status on the embryo, which may be good news or it may have arrested. Which is the polite way of saying it died. Tomorrow is also my birthday. Which as I stated in another post, I don’t like. While I am not terribly superstitious, the Chinese word for die rhymes with 4. Tomorrow I will be 44. It’s a horrible number. Statistically, it’s another huge drop off in fertility, should I become pregnant, it raises my chances of miscarriage to 60%, and it doesn’t bode well for anything I am trying to defy the odds on.

For 5 months I’ve struggled to laugh at myself, the absurdity of this process and make light of some of the most devastating personal news I’ve ever heard outside of the death of my father. Today, I can’t do it. It’s not funny. It hurts, I’m tired, I’m frustrated and I feel broken and alone. Tomorrow I might feel better but today, I need blankness, serenity and peace.

That’s not in the cards for me either. Its only 1pm, I’ve been on 2 conference calls, paid my federal and state taxes, called my gyno to ask her to fax my well woman exam results to my fertility clinic FOR THE THIRD TIME, been to the DMV which in Ca will suck the soul out of anyone, had to talk to the tax assessors office about my property taxes, yelled at AT&T for their mismanagement of my U-Verse bill and had to talk to the woman at my stepdaughter Chinese School who could not understand a single word I was saying. I’ve also done 2 loads of laundry, this blog post, some ironing and worked in the backyard.

At some point, I need to come to terms with the possibility of children never happening for me. I’m not sure I can take that on today, but it’s sitting there staring at me, as one more thing to add to the “to do” list.

I don’t do well when I feel like this. I want to hide, from everyone and everything until it blows over or enough time has passed that its safe to come out again. I don’t want to hear anyone talk to me about “well you knew when you undertook this that your chances were poor” I don’t want to hear any of that. I am tired of being the strong one, the one that takes its on the chin, dusts myself off and gets back up again.

I aspire to be someone who is strong and brave and deals with the cards life gives me with quiet strength, determination and courage. But today, I just don’t think I can do it. I just want to hide from the world until the worst passes.

I will update tomorrow if there is good news, otherwise I just need a break.

Just please give me the dignity to get through the next few days.


14 comments on “Life and dark

  1. Daryl says:

    I’m sorry this weekend was a rough one. But it’s okay to have a bad day, or weeks, or months. This infertility stuff sucks, and it will suck the life out of you sometimes, and that’s okay, too. Because you get back up and you keep going, in whichever direction feels right. I hope tomorrow is a better day, but if it’s not, take all the time you need to process and cry and rage and whatever else you need to do. Take care of yourself the best you can. I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. queenelizabethi says:

    So sorry you’re having a hard day. My details are different but I completely understand the emotions. Thinking of you.

  3. I too am not a big fan of birthdays so have a hug for that crap.
    As for the rest of it it’s a shit journey I think it’s often said I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies & I really wouldn’t. No one deserves to have to take this path. Having started on it generally it’s because we mostly believe it will be worth it but everyone is allowed to have days when the black clouds win. And if this is the end of the road we can look back with no regrets that we didn’t try, as they say better to have tried & failed than not to have tried at all xx

  4. Louisa says:

    This circus or rollercoaster sucks. And every time something good happens you just know a sucker punch is hiding around the corner. Don’t feel like you have to be strong all the time, it’s ok to hide, cry, swear, whatever helps. Thinking of you and hoping you get through this difficult time.

  5. MC says:

    You are awesome that you already had one gorgeous blastocyst, it means with this only embryo, you may get pregnant. On the other hand, that means your ovary has potential to produce good quality egg, please do not give up!

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