Party’s Over

Ok. I’ve taken some deep breaths. Ive hidden, felt sorry for myself, cried, whined (in my head, no use saying any of this trash out loud), not talked to anyone and now its official. I’M SICK OF MYSELF.

I did speak to my acupuncturist yesterday. His question to me was wary, “Exactly how much longer is this “hiding” going to go on?” It was just a phone call but I could literally see the raised eyebrow through the phone. OK ALREADY, I GOT IT. I’M HAVING A PITY PARTY SUE ME.

But now I have had enough thank you very much. I can’t stand it anymore. Sometimes life kicks you in the ovaries. And yeah, it hurts. No one ever said any of this was fair. So. I’m going to make an appointment with him, hope he doesn’t actually roll his eyes at me, though I couldn’t blame him if he did. I’m going to finish the last 3 tablets of Provera my RE gave me. Not all at once, over the next 3 days. I’m going to kiss that medication goodbye, give it the finger, I’m going to wait for shark week and start the circus all over again.

I’m going to go out on a limb and HOPE for a normal cycle where on day 2 or 3 there are actually follicles in either of my ovaries, and then I’m going to try to connect my head and my body with some visualizations. (which could very well be some kind of new age voodoo for all I know) I’m going to continue doing my best, and somehow, someday I will learn that it’s enough.

I’m going to keep trying, which means I’m also going to keep falling down, making mistakes and because I’m a perfectionist, I will have to learn to stop punishing myself for it. Way easier said than done. This is by far, the most humbling experience of my life. I’m normally an overachiever, and to be betrayed by my body is incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes I think this is a war of attrition. Who will get tired first, me or the bitch that is infertility?

The bitch may win in the end, but I’m not done trying.


11 comments on “Party’s Over

  1. Theresa says:

    The bitch will NOT win in the end!!!

  2. I’m so inspired by your tenacity! I can’t imagine what the rollercoaster you’re on must be like, and I admire you for being able to get knocked down and pick yourself up again with such determination.

  3. I admire you for your tenacity! I can’t imagine what it must be like to be on such a physically and emotionally trying journey, but I am inspired by your ability to get knocked down, and then pull yourself right back up again.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you, I’m grateful that you stopped by, and were so kind as to leave such a nice comment. I LOVE the Mothersugar Collective, and really admire all of your writing!

  4. Daryl says:

    I am so glad to hear this. I know it’s hard not to beat yourself up, but this is not your fault. We are not the sum of our body parts, and our worth is not determined by how well those parts work. I hope the next cycle is better!

  5. Cee Lo Dizzle says:

    I’m so proud to have you among my friends. I heart tough people, you are among the toughest I know!

  6. Louisa says:

    You’re right it is a war of attrition, or as my 1st RE used to say (with a heavy new York accent) “ya can’t win it if you’re not in it”. Hang in there!

  7. alleycatm says:

    In all the months of my struggles the only thing that has kept me going are HOPE, I guess the day we stop hoping is the day we give up. And us not so fertile ladies are no such thing, WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!!

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