The Red Thread

CD1

Monday morning I will have my CD3 monitoring appointment.

I’ve been good, I’ve listened to the visualizations and trying to focus about everything being new again. Shaking off the bad cycles and the past, and trying to have faith in my journey.

My diet hasn’t been as strict as it has been in the past months, it’s clear I need to go back to that. I feel better when I’m really eating clean. I haven’t had the best attitude lately. I’m working on trying to change that. Perhaps that too is cyclical.

I need to say thank you to everyone that’s been so supportive of me this last few weeks. I have appreciated it so much. So much more than I can articulate here. Thank you.

The Provera seems to have worked, in that it extended my cycle from 27 days to 31 days. Which was closer to what my cycle was before starting all this IVF stuff.With any luck on CD3, my ovaries will have follicles. I know it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe this month wont be a “Circus” so much as a normal, productive, non scary cycle.

I’ve talked a lot about my failings, my frustration and my fears. I’ve said before I want to let it blow off into the ether. I want calm, serenity. To accept whatever happens and stop fighting myself and therefore everyone else. A clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate.

My friend Carlton and I had a long discussion about the “Cross Winds” post. His conclusion was that while I have mastered the poker face, what I haven’t figured out yet is how to unburden myself. But he gave me a lot to think about, and for that I am grateful. So thank you Carlton, you truly are an incredibly kind and understanding person. Its amazing through this journey who steps up to be a real friend. It was so unexpected. Again Thank you.

If you look at the profile picture on this blog, you see me, at the end of February, the day I found out that my first transfer failed. Poker face indeed.

Which brings me to a proverb I’ve been reading about a lot lately. “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” – Chinese Proverb

You can read more about it here: The Red String of Fate

A lot of the references to it are in regards to the destiny of your partner, or soul mate, but I’ve read about it referring to children and pregnancy as well.

Faith is a word I’ve struggled with for a long time, I used to joke that “Faith was a gift I wasn’t blessed enough to have been given” I’ve always related it to organized religion, but what I think I am starting to see is that faith is a gift you give yourself.

I dedicate this post to my husband David and to everyone, who like me at times, have a crisis of faith. Try to have faith in your journey. Have faith in yourself.

The red thread of fate never breaks.

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8 comments on “The Red Thread

  1. Daryl says:

    “I want calm, serenity. To accept whatever happens and stop fighting myself and therefore everyone else. A clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate.”

    Me, too. I wish you nothing but the best this cycle. I hope that first u/s shows good news and helps ease your mind the rest of the way. I’ll be thinking of you!

  2. Jeanette says:

    Thanks Daryl! I appreciate it and wish you the same!

  3. Louisa says:

    Good luck on Monday! Letting go is tough especially for us type As. Glad you are getting some in real life support too.

  4. Deborah says:

    Thank you for sharing the Red String of Fate belief. It reminds me of one time a psychic told me she saw a little girl watching over me as my guardian angel. She wanted to be born to me, but it that couldn’t happen fate would still have her as my guardian angel. I’m not sure how much I believe this, but on the other hand, it provides me with comfort and faith that when I don’t know if we will be pregnant or not.

    WHen journeying through the unknown, I agree, faith in ad love of your Self are true gifts to one’s Self.

    You are in my thoughts.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you for your thoughts and comments!

      I’m learning a lot from this journey, I’m not always sure I believe in fate, and faith has never been something that’s come easy for me. Loving myself is certainly not something I’m good at. Sometimes I think its just easier to try to be like water and go where the world takes us, but that’s usually when I’m tired of fighting and tired of feeling like a failure.

      I dont know about psychics or guardian angels, but I do know, sometimes the gifts of patience, and faith are gifts we need to do a better job of giving ourselves.

      You are in my thoughts too!

  5. Lita Myrtie says:

    I think they should name a chair after us in the waiting rooms at the fertility clinics we go to! Hang in there.

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