Since this isn’t my first time to the Circus, I now have a list of things that I do the day before I go in for one, like a sad professional Baseball Player. Some part of me believes that if I replicate all the things I did the one time I got a Blastocyst, that it will happen again. The logical part of me is, as usual mortified. I’ve made it clear, your sanity and dignity leave you during this process so just bear with me. Here’s my list:
- Manicure, Pedicure
- Shave my legs and moisturize since I can’t tomorrow, and I hate feeling like my skin is overly dry
- Make and eat home-made vegetable soup
- Eat fruit; tonight’s will be a Korean Apple Pear, because its my favorite fruit now in season.
- Drink wheat grass juice both tonight and before the appointment *I do it most days but NOT a fan*
- Shower in the morning again
Don’t ask me why these hygiene things are so important to me, but they are. It could be vanity, or it could be that even though my RE, and 3 other people in the surgery are looking at my vagina in a medical way, I don’t want him/them to think of me as some dirty person that shows up in sweatpants, all unwashed and troll like. In fact retrieval or transfer day is the only day I’m not fully “done up” when I go there. But that’s probably another post for another day.
New this month will be to listen to the meditations of Circle and Bloom of which I’ve skipped from day 1&2 to Trigger shot/Retrieval Day so that’s bizarre.
Like some kind of OCD gone wild, this list seems to get longer and not shorter. What are not included are the things I do every day, all the vitamins, the tea, no cold foods, no cold water, at least 2 or 3 liters of water, any fertility meds that would normally be prescribed to me. Which are none right now, thank you very much.
That reminds me, since my retrievals are now done via my abdomen, I need to put some Advil in my purse because as I have said before at this clinic you get no anesthesia of any kind.
Whats different this time is I am aware that these are the things I can control, and all they really mean is I’m making my intention, trying to put my best foot forward and being optimistic. And that I don’t want to be thought of as a dirty hobo.
Clean mind, clean body, clean slate. New cycle, think good thoughts, have good intentions, put something good out into the world, be open, do good deeds. This has been my mantra since my last tantrum/meltdown.
Yes I’m nervous, and anxious, and worried. No, there is not a single thing I can do to change tomorrows outcome.