Clean

I’m not going to talk about Mothers Day tomorrow. Ok I am, but just a little.

My own mother is very sick, and has never liked me much to begin with, so on our best days the relationship is strained. Yes I know I need to come to terms with it before she passes, but it takes 2 to solve a problem and if she was even willing to meet me 10% of the way, I’d have no problem covering the other 90. You can’t make someone love you, or want to solve problems. I think the best you can do is just try to come to terms with it’s the best she can do.

I am a stepmother. Which means, in the “mommy” community, I’m no ones mom. I have to be honest, the mommy community is pretty judgy and mean-spirited a lot of times. Like mean girls with toddlers. If I ever have a child of my own and act like that, I fully expect someone to slap me in the face and call me out on being an assclown.

In my family it means I will step aside so that my stepdaughter bio mom wont be threatened. Which leaves me feeling excluded. Its only one day so, I will put on my big girl pants, and live with it. I’m a little squishy to be honest.

Tonight I will take the last pill of the Provera I was given after last cycle. 5 or 6 days from now shark week will come, and I will start the circus again.

In the meantime, I said I was going to try some new things so I have. I’ve started a new Chinese class, I’ve tried some yoga classes and found a DVD that might be helpful, and I went to a Buddhist ceremony last night called “The Great Compassion Repentance Ceremony”.  It was long. Twice as long as a Catholic High Mass. Those Buddhists really make you earn your repentance. With all the kneeling and prostrating my thighs feel like I’ve been through a long work out.

I also finished painting the ceiling in the room that I use for reading and meditation. The room for the baby that doesn’t exist yet. I went back to acupuncture twice a week, and have made bracelets out of semi precious stones. I will show pictures when I have a few that are completed.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy. Of trying not to obsess, but I’ve still had moments where I’ve been overwhelmed and my eyes fill up with tears and I can’t help it, I’ve cried. But I have another week to clear my head, shake off the last few bad cycles, go to acupuncture, and yoga and try to find some kind of zen in it all.

I’m also going to ask the Dr for a different protocol this time, the one he’s been using hasn’t produced very good results, and with my cycles being so scary, I’ve been afraid to ask for something different.

My intention has been a clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate. I’ve worked hard at making my intention. So for now, I wont think about the future, or what “surprise” the next cycle has in store for me. I will love my family, try to live in the moment, and keep my hands and mind busy with things that are constructive.

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6 comments on “Clean

  1. Daryl says:

    It sounds like you’re doing your very best under the circumstances. I hope you and your mom can come to some kind of understanding before it’s too late. Wishing you a happy mother’s day, even if you don’t always get the recognition you should!

  2. Louisa says:

    I’m sorry the mommy community is not giving you credit for being a stepmom, stepmoms are very immportant sometimes more immportant than biological moms. As for your relationship with your own mom, that’s a toughy, youre right, you can’t change anyone except yourself. Thinking of you this mothers day and hoping you get through it with minimal squishy ness.

    • Jeanette says:

      thanks Louisa, I appreciate it, and for what its worth, Id go for the retrieval. Because a back up is always better.

      Happy Mothers Day to you and Im crossing my fingers for you!!

  3. “I am a stepmother. Which means, in the “mommy” community, I’m no ones mom.”
    Jeanette, I hope this anecdote helps a bit. My mom’s step-mother was the most important maternal figure in her life even though her own mother was present (not emotionally available but there in physical form, which is why I think the step mother was so important). We all loved her so much that I considered her MUCH more of a grandmother than my own by blood and my mother loved her so dearly. When I was pregnant with my babies, I was planning to name one of them after her if either was to be a girl but didn’t even consider doing so after my “real” grandmother. Our whole family could not speak more highly of her. She was the most loving, caring person to my mom (her step-daughter) and myself. She is to me what a step-mother should be. She has been gone many years but I often think of her and miss her very much. I know we don’t know each other extremely well, but I’ve seen many of the same qualities in you. You are a very helpful, loving, and compassionate mother. Trust me, your daughter loves you and her life is better for having you in it. I am a mom and in my eyes you are very much a mom especially knowing how much value step-mothers can have. It is every bit as much as a biological mother. 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day! Celebrate! You deserve it.

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