Phoenix

No. I didn’t run off to Phoenix, nothing personal to anyone who lives there, but I’m not a fan of the desert. If I am not near a body of water I get disoriented and wander around in circles like some kind of dehydrated nomad. Plus as I’ve said before, my natural color is somewhere in the range of “pale blue” so the desert doesn’t generally look good on me.

I went to see Dr Yelian this morning, was happily greeted by my favorite vampire, where my blood was drawn and she informed me that I was indeed scheduled for an ultrasound. To which I responded “Dammit!” because if my cycle is going to be canceled I should be exempt from having to take my pants off. Right? It’s in the rulebook. Oh that’s right, there is no rulebook.

The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound, “cold gel, I’m sorry its cold, please let me know if its gets too uncomfortable” Right ovary, no clear visualization. Because its Memorial day, and it apparently went away for the long weekend.

Left side… 1 follicle that at first appeared around 5.2 mm, then after looking around again and checking from another angle measured 9.8. She didn’t believe it so she called for Dr Y to verify it. I hung out pantsless for about 20 minutes before Dr Y came in, shook my hand, looked for himself, couldn’t find anything and said “Get K in here so she can show me this follicle.” She came in, showed him, he said “Yep that looks like a real follicle”. What? There are fake follicles?

E2 137, LH 15.3, P4 1.47

What does this mean? I’m not sure, to quote the Dr. “I was monitoring your levels from China, and this is a very strange cycle”  My P4 from Friday made it seem I had ovulated. Although, how an egg can be mature at 6mm is beyond me. Whatever. Yes this is still a strange cycle. I now having something called a Luteal Phase Follicle. Which means a new, maturing follicle of good size AFTER I’ve already ovulated. Wait, are you still confused? Me too. I will do another post later about Luteal Phase follicles, just bear with me here.

They left, I put my clothes back on and put the paper sheet in the trash and was told to wait to be called by the nurse. Dr. Y was insanely busy so I didn’t really get a chance to speak to him but he said I would be given meds to take home, and when my blood work came back they would call me with a plan.

296.00 for 2 shots later, I left with 2 big doses of Menopur, in the clinics signature pink bag, and a lot of questions.

We had Dim Sum with my husbands mother, and sister, and her husband. His mother told me I was not eating enough, but that I’m too fat, and that my face is too thin, so keep losing weight, but not in my face. Hard to please much? Shes 89. My understanding is that women over the age of 60 can say and do anything they want, to anyone they want, when ever they want. So we have that to look forward to.

Here’s the treatment plan, 1, 150ml shot of Menopur tonight at 8pm along with Clomid. Continue Clomid daily, another 150ml shot of Menopur on Wednesday night and I see the Dr on Thursday.

Do I know what happens after that? No. What do I think? I have no clue. Am I hopeful? I don’t know. But it feels better to be DOING something than to be contemplating my navel and berating my ovaries.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you call it the Fertility Circus?” This cycle is a perfect example of why. Plus it sounds way better than the Fertility Roller-coaster, or Fertility Merry go Round.

Why did I call this post Phoenix? Because apparently like that mythical bird, this cycle has risen from the ashes.

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14 comments on “Phoenix

  1. Daryl says:

    Holy shit. Can I say that? Well, if you’re going to have a crazy-ass cycle, at least it’s crazy-ass in a good way. Sort of. i think. I am totally confused. But I think this is good news, or at least not a total bust, right?

  2. alleycatm says:

    What a confusion, I really really hope this miracle follie turns into a gold egg that gives you that miracle. Good luck and hang in there

    • Jeanette says:

      thank you so much! I dont know what will happen, and there are times I feel low, but Im pretty determined to keep trying.

      I know the amnio is a big deal and scary so you will be in my thoughts!

  3. So, i have to ask- is your spouse asian? The words from his mother’s mouth sound exactly like something one my aunt’s would say. Hopefully at least the dim sum was good (hard to find here in Belgium). On a more serious note, of all the reading I’ve done on IVF land, I confess your ‘circus’ is the most puzzling. It must be so hard. I’ve come to depend on the certainty of each step of a process, the methodical timeline, the comfort of the routine (okay, that sounds bizarre), but for you- you do not even have the lull of rhythm. I wish I had a crystal ball for you, I really do.

    I know you have done a lot of work on the AMH thing. I had that done and it was also low and then I had it done again and it was less low. And my results have never given anyone enough clarity to decide a clear course of action. It seems as though a lot rests on this test for you.

    big hug (aka thundershirt)

    • Jeanette says:

      Yes. Hes born and raised in Hong Kong. He was 14 when he came to the US after his father died. Cantonese is his first language. His mom is a little harder to understand because the Cantonese is mixed with a dialect. She was maybe 60 or so when she came here but most of her family was murdered by the Japanese in the 30’s so she never mixed with anyone but Chinese. I have actually posted his story, because hes very special and brave in a way Im not sure I have the strenght to be. Its called “An Extraordinary Husband” and there is also a cont. because his story is long.

      The Dim Sum here is pretty good. Ive had better in NYC, and SF, but it rates pretty high. There are more variations in Hong Kong and China but I like NYC the best. It’s a clear indicator that hes Chinese. Food is extraordinarily important to him.

      There has never been any “certainty” for me in any step of this process. I’ve had every possible scenario happen, ovulating early 3 times, losing the lead follicles, no follicles as late as day 8, high FSH, really really high E2, cysts, 6 retrievals with no anesthesia, and 1 where they got in there and there was nothing to retrieve.

      There is no other way to describe what is happening to me other than a circus. I dont know what to call it. I try to laugh at this absurdity, because my life has become unrecognizable to me. It is hard. Still I refuse to let it define me. I know I sound crazed at times. Managing the stress of no rhythm, no normal, my regular life, and my work and my family is sometimes too much for me. I’m only half kidding when I say I’ve watched my sanity walk away from me while I’m standing there watching it go. Its surreal and if I am honest, its wearing on me.

      AMH only indicates ovarian reserve. Nothing else. It doesn’t tell you a single thing about egg quality or if you can become pregnant. The test was created for no other reason than to weed out candidates for conventional IVF so clinics success rates stay high, and to give an indicator as to who the Clinic should be recommending to use donor eggs. *that will be another six thousand dollars per attempt* It really serves no other purpose.

      I appreciate the hugs! I notice you’re pretty reserved, I enjoy your posts SO MUCH and how well thought out they are.

      I really do think that thundershirts should be available for people. Id wear one. Id look absurd but if it meant I could face this process longer I would.

      • I’ll have a read! Vancouver dim sum beats NYC anyday, I promise!!
        I have many many memories of dim sum. and many memories of not understanding my grandmother who spoke only dialect. I was born in Canada but I’m chinese but I don’t speak.

        Remember, magical things can happen in the circus.

      • Jeanette says:

        Thank you for reminding me of that.

  4. Deborah says:

    How bizarre and great. It sounds like your body is trying for you. ‘Golden egg’ is right

  5. Theresa says:

    I didn’t know a luteal phase follicle was possible! Crazy!

  6. dnwible says:

    Holy cow! I hope this is a magic, baby-creating follicle! Grow, follicle, grow!

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