CD20, Egg Retrieval #7
Today is my youngest brothers 42nd birthday. He has three kids, twin sons and a daughter all conceived naturally. His kids are amazing and beautiful, but he doesn’t speak to me so I don’t see them much. I miss his kids though, they are really special kids.
I’ve been awake since 4:30. I didn’t do my regular OCD superstitious routine before a retrieval because I don’t have a lot of faith in this months cycle. I’ve drunk a lot of water, but no pedicure, no shower last night, I will take one this morning. No visualizations for me this month. Maybe next time if things start ok. No food since Thursday in the afternoon I think. That’s going to piss off my acupuncturist. Sorry Dr P. I just haven’t been able to force anything down.
A lot of back and forth about if I wanted to let this cycle pass with no retrieval. What I choose was to have it. The reason is, if it’s a cyst, I want it out of me. I appreciate everyone’s hope so much. But the science shows that my LH has been elevated for too long. Which means that if the egg is aspirated and is still an egg, that it will be so degenerated it wont matter. If I don’t get it aspirated it may become a cyst. Where there are cysts, no good follicle or egg will ever grow.
This cycle was a long and strange one. It started as ideal, and quickly went downhill. Whatever is in there isn’t good. It’s too slow-growing, too much struggle to get my E2 higher, too much struggle to grow the follicle. P4 elevated for too long, LH elevated for too long. Even from Thursday’s monitoring my E2 was too low by over 100 points, and the follicle was barely large enough to aspirate as a mature egg.
To be clear, I dont cry over eggs or follicles. I cry over lost opportunities, that these cycles are stacking up behind me like firewood and not much good is coming from them.
I’ve listened to a lot of Bluegrass music which according to my husband is incredibly sad. Sadder than traditional Chinese music. Traditional Chinese music reminds me of Irish women keening at a funeral, so we’ve had lots of happy in our house lately. This particular CD makes me want to go running in complete darkness, the music is moody and haunting. Which is sort of funny really, because I hate running. I only run when chased.
I am impatient with myself to snap out of this dark mood, to move forward and stop thinking about what is past. In a little over 3 hours this will be over, and I will move on. I will focus on trying to stop looking back at these bad cycles and try to make an intention for ones coming.
Thanks to everyone that commented and said that they hoped for me. I appreciate it, its nice to know that even though I can’t hope for myself this month, someone is willing to step in and fill the breach. Thank you.