低调

Its been a tough week. Thank you to everyone who commented on my arrested post. I loved your willingness to be vulgar and awesome all at once! For some reason, the thought of women I’ve never met cursing on my behalf so I didn’t have to was really comforting. I’m not kidding. Thank you.

3 more days of Provera and Estrace, and a few days after that a new cycle will begin. The 9th one. I bought a new package this week. There will be 3 more attempts, at least. I never thought I’d be one of those women that goes through this month after month. I never thought I’d be someone who would be willing to do anything to have a child. But apparently I have become THAT person.

It’s just one more way my life is unrecognizable to me.

People ask me how I keep going. The truth is, I don’t know what else to do but keep trying to move forward. I try to focus on the future, and hope for the best. More and more I try to make my mind quiet, and with some practice maybe eventually, I will get good at it.  There are days though that I fail epically. I had at least 2.5 epic failure days this week. Including crying so much during acupuncture the Dr. put little wads of tissue in my ears so that the tears didn’t pool there. While useful I’m certain it wasn’t my best look. But then crying with my nose running and my eyes streaming red isn’t my best look either. I admit it. I’m a really ugly crier.

2.5 is  better than 7 but I’d like to do better.

Its hard, but I’m trying to get into the habit of allowing myself the grace to dream and hope. I can’t always see it and that scares me a lot. But if I focus and let my mind wander, I can see myself, and my completed family.

There it is again. Those words, hope, dreaming, and an implied faith. While all of this sounds suspiciously cheesy, I will take that over cynical, bitter and angry every day of the week. With every single fiber of who I am, I do not want to become that person.

I was that person for 2.5 days this week so I’d like to issue a blanket apology to everyone who saw me, drove near me, talked to me or had to interact with me in any way during that time.

Someone said something to me today that resonated with me.  低调.  The translation is something like “blessings arrive in tune”  like music, but what it really means is “low-key” as in good things happen when you’re not shouting the house down. It’s a Chinese proverb that I need a lot more practice with. A whole lot more.

I’m going to keep practicing, and continue trying to quiet the cacophony of noise, thoughts, anxieties and worries that are in my head. Someday, the silence is going to be peaceful and amazing.

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13 comments on “低调

  1. Daryl says:

    I love that. “Low key.” I think I have that appearance on the outside, but inside, I’m raging. Good for you for keeping it together the other 4.5 days of the week. I admire your strength to keep going month after month. It’s got to be hard, but you just keep doing it. You’re my hero.

  2. Theresa says:

    Hey you have every right to have 2.5 days of crazy, and as many tears as you want. While I agree that crazy isn’t a great idea in the long term, I think sometimes we need a little bit of crazy to cope and keep moving forward. All of those emotions are natural so long as you don’t let it consume you, which you haven’t. I admire you!

    • Jeanette says:

      I cannot for the life of me see why. I dont sleep well, I am overly emotional and frankly being a gibbering idiot would be easier than keeping it together. But long term it gets me no where so No crazy is a good start, nor a good middle nor a good end.

      All the same, the rational hopeful world is where Id like to spend most of my time. And ugly crying aside Id like to get closer to 1 out of 7 vs. 2.5 hour of 7.

  3. Louisa says:

    2.5 is really pretty good, I think it’s immportant to practice “low keyed blessing” but don’t beat yourself for crying or breaking down. This is a tough journey you are on.

  4. Well, I don’t have any wise words of wisdom that will make that will help you with your low-key goal (one I mega need to work on)…but I can tell you this. You are not alone – I am also a very ugly crier. ;-P

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