Baking

 

Cycle 9, CD2 Monitoring update:
My appointment is at 1pm. And because for some reason I am nervous about both this appointment and this cycle, I spent last night and this morning baking stuff to take to the Dr’s office. Like I can feed them into getting me pregnant. The plus side is that I haven’t had so much as a taste of the things I’ve made for them, the downside is, it is clear that I am a nervous baker. A nervous gifter. I’ve baked 18 chocolate cupcakes with raspberry butter cream frosting. Flavored with the jam I made last week. I’ve baked 18 chai spice cupcakes with chai spice butter cream frosting. 1 loaf of banana nut bread and fresh lemon bars made from lemon curd from my tree, and a shortbread crust.

I need to make 2 acupuncture appointments for this week. And I need to be focused on the positive, and the idea that whatever will be will be. I cannot control this process, I cannot control the outcomes or  that the Circus aspect of my cycles bothers drives me crazy. I have to accept it, I have to recognize that my care is in the hands of capable people and trust them.

It’s a hard word trust. Maybe harder for me than most. I don’t do blind faith very well, not even for God. My “experiment” with accepting the crazy of my cycles was in my opinion, a complete failure. All of this has to do with my resistance to being vulnerable. I’ve always been the strong one, the tall one, the one that no one ever stands up for. That has put me in the position of being afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid my vulnerability will be seen as weakness. Afraid I will never find redemption for all my failings.

I still haven’t committed to our family vacation and my husband is waiting, kindly, patiently for me to come to my senses.

So I will come to my Dr’s office today loaded with baked goods, trying to start the cycle with sweetness and a good intention.

I will see what the cycle brings and try to hope for the best possible outcome.

 

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14 comments on “Baking

  1. Louisa says:

    Wow! That’s a lot of baked goods! I hope they appreciate it. The whole vacation thing is so difficult, its kinda normal to put everything on hold while doing IF treatment. Not healthy not good for marriages but it happens.

    • Jeanette says:

      How are you Louisa? How are you feeling and managing?

      Yes it was a lot but it was mostly gone by the time I left this afternoon.

      I know it happens with IVF and vacations, but my husband he deserves a holiday so much! I feel disgustingly guilty about it so far.

  2. cassiedash says:

    Those baked goods sound delicious! I hope the baking of them helped to occupy your mind for a few hours, or at least get out some frustration. Wishing you luck with everything! I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. Theresa says:

    I don’t do trust or blind faith very well either – it feels too much out of my control (can we say OCD a little?)

    IMHO, anyone who sees your vulnerability in this situation as weakness isn’t really the kind of person you want to have around. Put them in our shoes for a second and they would probably run away screaming….

    Also, please feel free to send me baked goods 🙂

    • Jeanette says:

      Theresa, I can say OCD a lot! Bleh but thats just me.

      Vulnerability is a hard thing. Its not easy to show it, and in some situations it not easy to hide it. Its one of those things wehre you just have to hope that the other person has some compassion.

      I will send you recipes. As many as you want, not that I wouldnt send you baked goods I would, but somehow Im just not sure they would taste good after being in at mail.

      Do you have a favorite color, or a quality you wish for like hope or strength or healing? Or I can give you a list of other words but do you have a favorite color and a word that you mostly identify with youre TTC process? Id like to send you something.

      • Theresa says:

        Hmm….I’d have to say strength (and not just because you suggested it 😉 ) and blue. I love blue because it fits just about every feeling out there – sad, happy, calm, serenity, you name it. Should I email you my address?

      • Jeanette says:

        Yes. Yes you should. And wrist size? 7-0 or 8.0 or somewhere in the middle?

      • Theresa says:

        gosh thats a good question.My aunt got me a bracelet recently – I’ll have to take it in to work and measure the length….

      • Theresa says:

        sorry my brain is full of brain farts. It appears to be between 6-7. I lined it up against the 11″ sheet of paper and it covers a little over halfway

      • Theresa says:

        Also, I don’t think I have your email

  4. At least you’re a nervous baker as opposed to a nervous eater like me! Good luck with this cycle chica. Fingers always crossed for you!

  5. Daryl says:

    If I somehow figure out a way to help you get pregnant, can I please have one of those cupcakes? Yum.

    Control and vulnerability. I think a lot of us struggle with that because so much of this process is out of our control and it makes us feel very vulnerable. But doing something–like baking–that you can control? I think that helps a lot! Plus, again, yum.

  6. All the best… may the cupcakes work their magic.

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