Cycle 9, CD2 Monitoring update:
My appointment is at 1pm. And because for some reason I am nervous about both this appointment and this cycle, I spent last night and this morning baking stuff to take to the Dr’s office. Like I can feed them into getting me pregnant. The plus side is that I haven’t had so much as a taste of the things I’ve made for them, the downside is, it is clear that I am a nervous baker. A nervous gifter. I’ve baked 18 chocolate cupcakes with raspberry butter cream frosting. Flavored with the jam I made last week. I’ve baked 18 chai spice cupcakes with chai spice butter cream frosting. 1 loaf of banana nut bread and fresh lemon bars made from lemon curd from my tree, and a shortbread crust.
I need to make 2 acupuncture appointments for this week. And I need to be focused on the positive, and the idea that whatever will be will be. I cannot control this process, I cannot control the outcomes or that the Circus aspect of my cycles
bothers drives me crazy. I have to accept it, I have to recognize that my care is in the hands of capable people and trust them.
It’s a hard word trust. Maybe harder for me than most. I don’t do blind faith very well, not even for God. My “experiment” with accepting the crazy of my cycles was in my opinion, a complete failure. All of this has to do with my resistance to being vulnerable. I’ve always been the strong one, the tall one, the one that no one ever stands up for. That has put me in the position of being afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid my vulnerability will be seen as weakness. Afraid I will never find redemption for all my failings.
I still haven’t committed to our family vacation and my husband is waiting, kindly, patiently for me to come to my senses.
So I will come to my Dr’s office today loaded with baked goods, trying to start the cycle with sweetness and a good intention.
I will see what the cycle brings and try to hope for the best possible outcome.