Saturday in the Park

 

Last Saturday was my CD2 monitoring for the first time after what appears to have been a chemical pregnancy. It was crampy, uncomfortable, really messy and emotional. I don’t know why. It’s like limbo. It’s not far along enough to even register but all the same, to know my second FET failed was disappointing and sad. It’s also the longest shark week I’ve had in years. 6 days.

I made it through the ultrasound ok, 1 follicle on each ovary, 5mm each, until the tech left the room. At which point I stood up and looked down at the floor at a small thick puddle of blood, and burst into tears. I cleaned myself, put my clothes back on and crawled around on the floor trying to clean up the mess, crying all the while. Mortified.

My blood work was drawn, my E2 was less than 25, my FSH was 17.5 and it will be a natural cycle, with another check on day 9, this Saturday. I’m guessing I might have a retrieval later in the month, and at some point after that an endometrial biopsy. Last Friday I was tested for a vitamin D deficiency, and a bunch of auto-immune issues. I should get the results by Saturday.

I have not had a lot of good things to say about anything so I’ve done my best not to talk. I’ve avoided my husband and stepdaughter, avoided my friends, let calls go to voice mail and just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to say, I need support. I don’t know how to say, I need love or care or kindness. So I’ve said nothing.

I finally went out to lunch with the husband and stepdaughter today, it almost felt normal, except I no longer finish meals, and I am not hungry 95% of the time.

I guess that’s how you get back to normal, you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

 

 

 

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12 comments on “Saturday in the Park

  1. Your closing line is perfect.
    I think I said exactly that in our therapy session last Thursday. Or something like that. I’ve been saying “I go on, because I must,” a lot lately.

    When you feel like you can’t take another step; just remember that you are not marching alone.

  2. babyfeat says:

    I think about you every day. If there was anything I could do for you I would. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and all the support you need. This really sucks and seems so unfair all that you have gone through. I’m so sorry. Can you give your husband a big hug so he knows how much you need it? I really don’t understand why life has to be so damn difficult some times. Would gestational surrogacy be an option? I don’t know how how get through each day. It must be pain staking. My heart goes out to you

    • Jeanette says:

      Surrogacy isn’t really the issue, so far its been that the embryos Ive created have been abnormal.
      My husband tries, but he has a mild case of aspergers and sort of thinks “well I don’t need it so why should anyone else”

      It has been difficult and I thank you so much for your kindness and support.

  3. Daryl says:

    My dear Jeanette, keep putting one foot in front of the other. But if you need help, you have to ask for it. I know it’s hard. Sometimes the asking is the hardest part. But please, please, please let the people in your life support you.

    And if not them, let us support you.

    Always here, always thinking of you. Sending big hugs.

  4. I hope the test results provide some indication of what happened and what can be fixed…wishing you tons of luck this cycle

  5. Louisa says:

    I can’t remember who said it but I think it appropriate, “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. You’re right, putting one foot in front of other helps. I wish there was some way to say to your husband–I need some extra love right now. Maybe leave him a note?

  6. disorientata says:

    You’re right, here they say “keep calm and carry on”…lots of hugs for you and good luck!

  7. taylor says:

    Honestly, my new normal is a complete clusterfuck. Also I’ve been avoiding everyone since early August. I ate my first full meal yesterday. Please don’t beat yourself up for grieving. Try to treat yourself with some grace (this from a girl who is trying to do that too).

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