I will be seeing Dr Yelian again tomorrow before he leaves for Shanghai for 4 days. My labs were on the spectacularly craptacular side on Saturday. 1 follicle right side, 7.6mm. FSH 41, LH 22 because of elevated FSH. No more natural cycle, Estrace twice a day and one last visit before he leaves the country. I think tomorrow an egg retrieval date will be decided upon and I hope to Christ it’s NOT during the time he’s gone. Not that I don’t trust any other Dr to do it, but I uh, don’t trust any other Dr to do it.
Molly the magical embryologist will be there when it does happen thank god, hopefully sometime next week. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Shes a rock and she’s kind and comforting and I love her. I’m not just saying that. I actually really love her.
I’m not nervous this time. I’m numb.
The past few weeks have been hard and I am sorry to say my husband hasn’t been much in the way of support. He doesn’t know what to do, he says horrible things to me when I am on my knees in pain. So basically I’ve just shut down emotionally. I know he can’t help it, but its painful all the same. I struggle more than ever with hope, and faith and trust and wonder if this is ever going to work for me.
I’ve continued to see Dr. Paul, and he’s been helpful mostly except when he tries to get me to be my normal snarky self, and I’m just not biting. I don’t really have any snark in me now, I’m having a hard enough time just putting one foot in front of the other.
This last few weeks has been incredibly lonely. I feel like the support system I have been so careful at building (or thought I was) kind of let me down. I don’t know, maybe its my fault. I am a creature of habit, so my tendencies is to go off and lick my wounds in private.
I don’t blog when I am unhappy. I just go silent. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so lonely in my life.
I want to be the funny person, the one who laughs at all the crazy and at all the indignities. But right now, there just isn’t anything funny about whats happening. It scares me.