I will be seeing Dr Yelian again tomorrow before he leaves for Shanghai for 4 days. My labs were on the spectacularly craptacular side on Saturday. 1 follicle right side, 7.6mm. FSH 41, LH 22 because of elevated FSH. No more natural cycle, Estrace twice a day and one last visit before he leaves the country. I think tomorrow an egg retrieval date will be decided upon and I hope to Christ it’s NOT during the time he’s gone. Not that I don’t trust any other Dr to do it, but I uh, don’t trust any other Dr to do it.

Molly the magical embryologist will be there when it does happen thank god, hopefully sometime next week. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Shes a rock and she’s kind and comforting and I love her. I’m not just saying that. I actually really love her.

I’m not nervous this time. I’m numb.

The past few weeks have been hard and I am sorry to say my husband hasn’t been much in the way of support. He doesn’t know what to do, he says horrible things to me when I am on  my knees in pain. So basically I’ve just shut down emotionally. I know he can’t help it, but its painful all the same.  I struggle more than ever with hope, and faith and trust and wonder if this is ever going to work for me.

I’ve continued to see Dr. Paul, and he’s been helpful mostly except when he tries to get me to be my normal snarky self, and I’m just not biting. I don’t really have any snark in me now, I’m having a hard enough time just putting one foot in front of the other.
This last few weeks has been incredibly lonely. I feel like the support system I have been so careful at building (or thought I was) kind of let me down. I don’t know, maybe its my fault. I am a creature of habit, so my tendencies is to go off and lick my wounds in private.

I don’t blog when I am unhappy. I just go silent. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so lonely in my life.

I want to be the funny person, the one who laughs at all the crazy and at all the indignities. But right now, there just isn’t anything funny about whats happening. It scares me.



20 comments on “Apathy

  1. I know there is nothing I could say to make you feel better. It is a hard road you are walking, and only you know how far you will go on it. i’m so glad you have molly. take care.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you. I want to say I will stop when Im done not when I’m tired, but I dont really know what that looks like. I dont know if Im just hormonal or sad.I assume I will know when Im done. Maybe Im just not meant to be one of the luck ones. I dont know anymore.

      Congratulations! I hope your pregnancy is progressing well, and that you’re feeling good and that everything is moving nicely for you.

  2. I totally get it when your hubby cant do or say anything…I feel lonely sometimes as well…I know it can be really scary but I hope that it will all be worth it in the end

  3. LMC421 says:

    I completely with you on how you feel lonely and the support not being there. I want to say I am sorry if I have not been there to support you, or help with the support group along with you. It’s been hard for me not only because I feel like I’m on the other side and honestly I am trying to not be all out there with my stuff, but I also don’t know how to show you my support but only by saying that I always think about you and I get really pissed off seeing the situation you are in. It’s just not right!!!
    I would love to spend time with you and just chat about random crap just to get you out of that zone (or try to) that you are in. I am truly here for you, there is probably nothing I can say to make you feel better but maybe a change of scenery would help?

    Much much love to you (((hugs)))

    • Jeanette says:

      Thanks Linda, I know you mean well, but you are on the other side of it.

      I dont blame you for not looking back. Its not like you can change anything for anyone, or should feel badly for not having a harder time of it.

      But from this side, from this place right now, your side seems so far away from mine.

  4. Daryl says:

    I’m so sorry you’re not getting support when you need it most. I am glad you have Molly and a doctor that you trust, but the emotional support is so important, especially when things are not going the way you hoped they would. Please know that you can email me any time. I’m always thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

  5. Theresa says:

    I am here for you. You are welcome to email me if you ever need. I’m happy to send you my phone number as well. Hugs.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you Theresa for reaching out to me. I appreciate it, but you need to focus on your own journey, youre so close now and I hope you get lots of eggs, and they become lots and lots of high quality blasts.

      Youre in my thoughts.

  6. babyfeat says:

    I’m sorry you feel so alone at a time when you need the most support. I wish I could do more for you. I don’t know what it’s like what you are going through, but I do know how awfully painful it is to keep trying at something so important and every time feel like you are getting a slap in the face…or crushed. It is a lonely, shitty feeling. Sending you much love and hugs.

  7. Louisa says:

    I’m so sorry you are feeling so alone. Know that you have virtual friends and supporters who are cheering you on. Hugs!

  8. I wish I could do more. Just know that I support you.

  9. Hi, I just found your blog and am catching up on it and, wow, what a journey. No wonder you’re feeling knocked down and tired and overwhelmed. This process is so hard. My DH is supportive but frankly, this process has put his libido in the toilet. And we’re only 2 cycles in….

    I really hope things turn around really soon.

  10. taylor says:

    I am so so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Infertility really is an a cold, unforgiving bitch (I wanted to use the C word but figured that might offend a few people) who has left me lonely and apathetic, as well. I want to shoot you an e-mail, can you send me one, or list yours here? My e-mail address is 2lovebirdsivf@gmail.com

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