Tides

In less than 2 hours I have my last check to see if things are a go for tomorrows transfer.

I admit it, I’m nervous. Part of me want to move forward immediately and the other part of my want to yell slow down! Its my last frozen blast, I’m scared!

I ordered a rather expensive fertility bracelet 6 or 7 months ago, and I’ve worn it every single day, without fail no matter where I go for that entire time. I take it off only at night and at acupuncture. Last night after my class, I was taking it off and it broke. I froze for a second. Thinking is this a bad omen? Then I thought I don’t believe in omens, so I thought, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something? Then I thought, well that’s stupid. Always a fight between the rational and irrational me.

A bracelet isn’t going to make this transfer fail. An embryo with chromosomal abnormalities will. Chromosomal abnormalities that make it not compatible with life, that’s what will make this fail.

Maybe my hormone levels will cancel the transfer, or my Endometrium will not be ideal. I am ready for that to happen if that’s the case.

After my egg retrieval last Friday, my Dr prescribed Progesterone in Oil shots, progesterone pills and Estrace that started the same day as the retrieval. Last night because I had class from 7-10pm, I had to give myself a PIO shot with no mirror, in a public bathroom. Seriously?

Because the first night I hit a vein or something and caused a bruise that’s eggplant purple and about 4×6 my right side is out. The left side by last night had 4 little hard grape sized bruises so I just went for it, between them. It of course bled a bit but, I’m doing the best I can considering husband refuses to do it and I had to do it in a public bathroom like some kind of fertility medication junky.

There is absolutely no dignity in this process.

I don’t know if you guys remember my little “Luteal Phase Follicle” miracle, but this is it. This is the one that was retrieved post ovulation, fertilized normally, I was called on Day 4 that it died, and then it became a 6AA hatching blast. There is a series of posts written about it that I believe started with this one;l Circus School: Luteal Phase Follicle Edition.

There are a few more posts about it after, following me though the wait to see if it would fertilize and then live to day 5. This is the embryo that would be transferred back. Which I think is part of what makes me nervous, I’m a little afraid to let go of this embryo, a little afraid that it’s already had its magical moment and wont become a baby.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their opinions about this decision. Having been down this particular path before and failed, I’ve not been as much in a hurry as the rest of you, but I do have 3 additional retrievals and I guess that’s a good enough backup.

As you can see, I never made a decision I’m going to let the numbers and the professionals decide for me. It’s rarely been out of my mind since it was suggested to me 4 days ago. I’ve thought about it, meditated on it, and am giving it up to God or Buddha or the Creator, Science or whomever.

Consequently has anyone looked at the moon the last few days? September 30 was the Harvest Moon, and the Chinese Moon Festival, the time of the year when its closest to earth, its been beautiful and huge!

I will update once I find out which way the tide will be turning.

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26 comments on “Tides

  1. I hope all goes well at your appt!!! And I am aw that you can do a PIO shot on yourself…hubby has to do it and there is a whole thing with heating everything…its a big ordeal

  2. Theresa says:

    I like that plan. I’m rooting for you either way. (also, I don’t believe in omens either but I find myself looking for a meaning in the stupidest stuff)

  3. cassiedash says:

    Whichever way this goes, I’m wishing you the best. Here’s hoping the universe (or God, as I tend to believe) makes everything fall perfectly into place.

  4. Daryl says:

    Good luck today! Whatever happens will be what happens. If it’s not meant to be today, you’ll still have your miracle blast as backup. If everything’s perfect, this may be the one! Have you done/considered doing PGD to rule out chromosomal abnormalities?

    • Jeanette says:

      Yes of course but pgd testing is 6k for 1 embryo or 5. It can’t be done after day 3, and with pgd testing, the live birth rate is 11.2% per embryo in my age range. Without it the live birthdate is 17.7%. So there is a significant possibility of damage to the embryo, and I’ve never made enough to warrant it.

      • Jeanette says:

        Never made enough good quality embryos I mean.

      • Daryl says:

        Wow, I didn’t realize it was that expensive for just one embryo. We met with the IVF coordinator at our clinic and found out it will be an additional 5k, so we’re reconsidering whether or not we want to use it.

      • Jeanette says:

        You can test up to 4 or 5 for that 6k. Or you can test 1 for 6k. To them it doesnt matter but since Ive never had more than 2 blasts its never been worth it for me. If this fails I will reconsider again, but the older you get the higher chances of chromosomal abnormalities. Even a 30 year old has like a 50% chance so it can be an incredibly expensive endeavor depending on your age, how many times you cycle and your protocols. I was gung ho at first to use it, but my Dr advised against it as I didnt have enough embryos, and because truthfully the difference between 11.2% and 17.7% is really huge.

  5. disorientata says:

    Just a joke on the bracelet: you wore it for months and… It didn’t quite work. Now it breaks when you’re about to try again… It sounds like a good omen to me, if anything! I wish you the best!

    • Jeanette says:

      Actually a long time ago when my younger brother was trying to get into college, I made him a string bracelet with a tiny little bead knotted on it. The idea was to wear it until the string broke, and then his dream would come true.

      His bracelet broke, and 3 days later he was accepted to the college he wanted to go to. So maybe youre right. Maybe it is a good omen!

      Thank you so much for the good wishes!!

  6. MC says:

    The embryo tried very hard to suvive at that time…..now it’s your turn to take care of it….positive thinking is all it need~ Good luck my dear!

    • Jeanette says:

      Molly, I will take good care of the miracle you gave me. I will think positive and I will not test early.

      Just keep me busy with things you need. 🙂

  7. Louisa says:

    I’m sorry about the PIO, that sucks! Good luck on Wednesday!

  8. SM says:

    Wishing for the best! Good luck!

  9. The moment I read that your bracelet broke, I thought: you don’t need it any more! I am choosing to believe it is a good omen – although like you, feel kind of weird about believing anything about omens at all, but there you go. I put on a bird’s nest necklace early on in the piece when I found out about my infertility troubles and now I’m knocked up and I STILL can’t bring myself to take it off… hope finds itself manifesting in strange ways I suppose.

    • Jeanette says:

      I LOVE THAT! LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT!

      Actually when my younger brother was trying to get into college I made him this little string bracelet, and the idea was you wear it until the string breaks and then your dream comes true. When his broke 3 days later he got accepted to the college he wanted.

      Well, if its working for you then you and Ponyo must continue to wear it 🙂

      Thanks so much for the encouragement!

  10. Georgette says:

    Wishing you the very best….

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