By Law

Its been about 6 hours since I found out that my embryo didn’t grow. I am at a crossroads. Some people are already telling me to try again, and the truth is I just don’t know if I have it in me.

I still can’t believe I have to continue meds and check again in a WEEK to verify that it’s not growing.I asked how often embryos recover from this, but no one answered my question. It means I will be carrying a dead embryo for a week. The idea makes me sick, but it seems that by law they can’t give up now, they have to wait for 8 weeks.

I did everything I could, and I know that my Dr and Molly did as well. Maybe its time to give up, and acknowledge that I just don’t deserve to be a parent. I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant, I wouldn’t complain about the PIO shots or the symptoms or anything really. I haven’t. I promised that I would only care about the health of the embryo and that I would enjoy and embrace the changes I have spent the last weeks adjusting to. I kept my promise. I haven’t complained about anything. Not morning sickness, not the shots, not doing it by myself, not anything. I haven’t felt like I have the right to. If it meant getting a chance at a healthy baby then I would endure whatever I had to.

After the appointment my husband went back to work. I’ve spent the last 6 hours alone in a dark room trying to understand. Tonight I took my meds, gave myself the shot, my husband never administered a single one, was never in the room with me and never helped me with them. Mostly I think he just didn’t want to think about them. Like every night, he wasn’t here when I did it, and when he got home, he took my stepdaughter out for dinner.
I don’t know whats going to happen to this blog. I don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. I intend to mourn my loss privately, I do not need to feed the misery so many of you feel, and are still going through. So for now, I’m signing off. Good luck to all of you. For those of you that have my email address please feel free to contact me, but for now, I can’t continue to publicly write down my feelings. Right now they are overwhelming and almost too much for me to handle.

 

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15 comments on “By Law

  1. ivfmale says:

    Take all the time you need. We will be here if you need us. ((Hugs))

  2. What ivfmale said. We are here, thinking of you whether you blog or not. I truly mean that. You are one of my favourite bloggers and I pray for you and your embryo, whatever the final outcome. I know I don’t know you, but I feel like I really do. I’m sorry. Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself, and PLEASE look after yourself.

  3. I wish I had something better to say other than “I’m sorry” but there’s never really much you can say in these situations. Take care of yourself and I hope to hear from you soon.

  4. I haven’t logged on on a while and I’m just heartbroken for you. If there’s a chance things could turn around, I really pray and hope they do. Very big hug for you. x

  5. babyfeat says:

    I don’t know why things have to happen as they do. But don’t ever say you don’t deserve to be a parent. Sometimes life just hands us shit, and we are left to figure out what to do with it. And it’s hell. I hope people close by you can help you through this hard time. I’m glad you are taking the time you need to take care of yourself. Always thinking of you and sending you prayers.

    • cindysn says:

      Please do not think you don’t deserve to be a parent because you do!!! There is nothing I can say that will make the pain go away… This is so heartbreaking (((((((( hugs))))))))

  6. cassiedash says:

    Please take whatever time and space you need. I hope the distance from your blog helps in processing all of this and making peace with it (if that’s even possible — I’m doubtful it is). Most of all, I hope you find healing and strength. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please take care of yourself. ~ hugs ~

  7. Jeanette, I am just so sorry. I know it doesn’t help, and it doesn’t change anything. Please know that whether you return to write again, or you feel like you can’t handle it anymore, that we will miss you, and we will not stop thinking of you.

  8. John Markham/Cap Curmudgeon says:

    When I saw the words “didn’t grow,” I said “Oh, crap!” out loud. We’ve been rooting for you.

    I have three stepchildren myself, and I am Dad to all of them. While I’ve sometimes wondered how I would be as a biological parent, I have still tried to be a good Dad … in effect, playing the cards I have in my hand, not the ones I imagine might have been dealt to me.

    At this point nobody can coach you out of your current funk — nor should we try. You need time to grieve and to heal and even to resent everything about your life for a while, if that’s what you want.

  9. disorientata says:

    So sorry for you…. Don’t think you don’t deserve to be a parent, it isn’t true! Hugs x

  10. Daryl says:

    Oh, Jeanette, none of this is about what we deserve, or we’d all be mothers by now. Take as much time as you need to grieve, rage, question, and–hopefully–heal. I’ll be thinking of you always and sending my arms out into the universe to hold you tight.

  11. I’m so, so sorry … that your little one doesn’t seem to be growing, as well as that you feel like you’re going through the pain alone. It’s all so incredibly unfair, and I’m so sorry. As others have said, this has nothing to do with “deserve.” If it did, none of us, including you, would be here writing these blogs.

  12. dnwible says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this! No one deserves such sadness. You definitely deserve to be a mom, and I hope and pray that you get better news next week.

  13. I am actually glad to read this blog posts which
    contains lots of helpful facts, thanks for providing such data.

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