Uncertain

Its been a terrible week.

Time has crawled. I’ve gone over every single worst case scenario and I have no idea what comes next. If the pregnancy continues great, it means every week until week 16 will be terrifying. If it doesn’t, I am back literally at square one. I have nothing frozen, so I will starting from zero. If the embryo has died what happens then? D&C tomorrow? I have no idea.

I’ve continued my meds as requested. I’ve not bled at all. I sometimes feel more pregnant than others, and sometimes feel almost not pregnant except for sore boobs and the feeling like my uterus is full. Nausea has abated, I am still drinking a lot of water, I’m not really hungry, I’ve lost some more weight and according to Dr Google I may be experiencing something called a missed miscarriage. Or not.

Does anyone know if symptoms lesson if the embryo dies? One thing has changed this week, I can’t get through the day without a nap when I get home from work. Which means, I sleep for 2 hours and about 2 hours later go back to bed. That’s definitely new. I’m a bad sleeper on the best of days. In fact this morning I was awake at 4am. I don’t know if this means something, or if I just WANT it to mean something.

I did one brave thing this week. I came out on Facebook about my fertility struggles, and my IVF situation and mostly have had the most incredibly kind responses. In fact, on my blog this week I’ve had some unbelievably kind people leave comments that they have read for a long time, never commented before and are rooting for me. Its been amazing, and its made me cry more than once. Thank you to everyone that took the time to write to me and to say you’re hoping for me. Its appreciated since I’m not sure I have it in me now to hope for myself.

I only have a few family members on Facebook and of them, only one said anything about my news. My brothers daughter, my 21-year-old niece. I didn’t hear a word from my younger brother or his wife, so I guess it says a lot about who you can count on and who you can’t.

One thing I have noticed, is that some of my friends who are now pregnant via IVF (in person real life friends) have suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, like miscarriages are catching. That’s been…upsetting.

Overwhelmingly this week has been lonely. Hopefully tomorrow I will know, and this horrible limbo will be over.

 

 

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23 comments on “Uncertain

  1. When we lost our first pregnancy, it was due to a missed miscarriage. I don’t want to create false hope or false despair, but I will list the few things I know. One of the POSSIBLE indications of a missed miscarriage is a loss of symptoms, but I think it’s more of an all-or-nothing situation. The last day or two before we found out ours had died, I didn’t feel pregnant at all any more. I was almost 8 weeks. From what you listed, it sounds like you are still experiencing some symptoms (sore boobs, uterus feelings, and fatigue). On a possible good note, I also experienced the same fatigue symptoms you described. I would get home and fall asleep on the couch almost immediately, get up to eat dinner, and fall back asleep until my husband dragged me to bed.

    As far as what to expect if it is a missed miscarriage, it might depend on the time of day that your appointment is. Our doctor made us go home and think about our options overnight (whether to have a D&C or to wait for it to pass naturally). Then, we called the next morning to schedule the D&C. I actually ended up having a D&E, but I’m not really sure what the difference is. I would recommend fighting for the same day if the D&C is something you would want to do. It was difficult to have to wait. If that is something that you have to go through, and I pray that it’s not, I will say that on a physical level, I had no pain really. Emotionally, is obviously different.

    I’m so sorry you are having to go through this horrid week, and that you are feeling so lonely. I wish that we were able to help more with that. We are all here, if only connected through the magic of the internet, and we are all rooting for you. You ARE NOT ALONE. Please remember that, even when it feels like you might be.

  2. diane says:

    Congratulations! Take it day by day remember you have worked so hard to get where you are at.Did you do conventional IVF?Or Mini how many cycles? Wish you the best!

    • Jeanette says:

      Diane, Congratulations on what exactly? Ive done 11 egg retrievals, had 3 failed FET’s, 1 chemical pregnancy and am now looking at a miscarriage.

      Congratulations on what exactly? Ive never done conventional IVF because I am too old and my chances of it working are extremely slim.

      So congratulations on what what exactly?

  3. Fingers still crossed for good news for you tomorrow….

    As for your successful IVF friends, I’m sure it’s not that they think miscarriages are catching, but maybe they just feel like contacting you could make you feel worse or you’ll resent them or something? I can’t help but feel guilt when I try to send supportive messages to one of my good friends currently going through it. I could be wrong and I know it probably doesn’t make you feel any better but just thought it was worth mentioning x x x

  4. Belle says:

    “like miscarriages are catching” – too true. I have been through this, also and it sucks. I have been thinking and hoping so much for you. I want you to be our miracle.

  5. LMC421 says:

    Well I don’t think miscarriage is catching! 😉 I’m here supporting you and having all the hope and prayers and all that stuff that someone can have. both Doug and I think about you and hope its all a false alarm, we really really do! Much love to you!

    • Jeanette says:

      thanks Linda, I could use a hug and some TLC right now this is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. My husband wont be going with me today so if I wind up getting a d&c it will be with no anesthesia because I will have to drive myself home.

  6. cindysn says:

    I am hoping that you get some good news tomorrow!!! That sucks that your friends have dropped off you would think those that have gone thru infertility treatments would be the most compassionate ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

  7. Theresa says:

    You know I’m rooting for you both over here.

  8. Louisa says:

    Jeanette-
    Pregnancy symptoms come and go in both healthy pregnancies and unhealthy ones ( did for me). So not a great indicator. I hope get great news today but if you don’t the choices are: D and C or go home with or without meds and pass the fetus on your own. Having done both I highly recommend a D and C under general anesthesia—- NOT local. Sorry this so brief and to the point I’m late for an appoint but wanted to give you my assvice.

  9. I wish we could all reach out and sit with you so you weren’t feeling so alone in this. Like Belle, I want to be positive for you and for this to be your miracle so I am sending so much positive energy your way.

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