An American Horror Story

I can’t get warm. I live in Southern California,  and even though just about everywhere is colder than here, I can’t get warm.

I’ve spent the weekend waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to stop crying, waiting for something to feel normal or logical. I haven’t, started bleeding, I still cry easily though for shorter durations and thank god, usually in private. I’ve been waiting for the pregnancy symptoms to subside, they haven’t either. What has happened is that everything has begun to feel really surreal. Like it’s happening to someone else.

Saturday my husband spent the day with a client so I wandered around trying to do errands I wasn’t able to get to during the last few weeks when I’ve felt so ill, and tired. At some point I started to feel like I was so desperate and crazy that I couldn’t stand the idea of having a dead embryo inside me anymore. It was like some sort of surreal anxiety attack that just went on and on and felt bigger and bigger. I texted my acupuncturist on Saturday afternoon, to see if he could help me get the miscarriage started. He was shocked. He thought I was accusing him of hurting me. I wasn’t. I said “No, I want you to help me start bleeding”. He kept asking me over and over if it was true that there wasn’t any more hope, said there really wasn’t much he could do, got kind of annoyed with me that I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks (due to work, and just being overwhelmed with adjusting to being pregnant and the expectations my husband and family have of me) so I agreed to see him this afternoon. He says the best he can do is help calm me. I am not sure how well this appointment is going to go because I’m not sure anything except strong drugs will help calm me at this point.

I’ve dreamed about dead babies. The box the Dr gave me to collect a “sample” of the tissue has very graphic pictures of what is the right tissue to send and what is not the right tissue to send. Its like something about of a sick science experiment. It will need to be “collected” thoroughly washed, and placed into the sterile jar. A vial of the miscarriage blood must also be collected. once collected they are both to be wrapped in a “bio-hazard” bag, placed back into the box and sent to the lab. The box also says that while it can be used by a patient, it’s created specifically for the use of medial staff after conducting a d&c. No gloves come with it. So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to collect the sample from the toilet, wash it, identify it, and place it in a sterile jar? I’ve done a lot of things to become pregnant. I’ve gone through a lot but I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I am brave enough to do this.

I woke up from a nightmare about doing this last night drenched in sweat, heart racing and shaking at 1:30am last night. I didn’t go back to sleep for a long time.

There is only a 50% chance that I will miscarry naturally. On Friday if I still haven’t started then I am to call the Dr who will give some vaginal suppositories that should bring it on. There is a possibility that also wont work so the Friday after that if I still haven’t miscarried, then he will tell me to get a d&c from my own Ob. I honestly don’t know if I can wait another 3 weeks for this to be over.

Overwhelmingly, sharing my story on Facebook has been amazing. Except for a few comments like ” You know if you really want something it will happen, so you must not have wanted it enough” and a God is punishing you, I never really thought you were cut out to be a mother”.

Why is it that I can get 50 amazing, caring, supportive comments, and the 2 that aren’t just bring me to my knees?

So where am I now? I’m about to get ready to go to work, dizzy, light-headed, shaky, anxious and with tremendous back pain that started on Saturday. I’m about to step back into my life, feeling more disconnected then I’ve maybe ever felt, and wondering if this was my last chance at my own biological child.

I know I need to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and support, but please be patient with me, I am still in the thick of this and just putting on foot in front of the other is proving to be as much as I can do.

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12 comments on “An American Horror Story

  1. Belle says:

    Oh Jeanette, I am too aware of what you are going through. The suppositories did not bring on a miscarriage for me and I had a very similar melt down about just wanting the dead baby out. I called my RE and begged and pleaded for a D&C and they finally worked me in at 6 a.m. the next day. We have suffered enough. It is utterly insulting that your doctor expects you to suffer up to 3 weeks more. If you feel you need to move this forward then by all means, please please do. xoxo

  2. babyfeat says:

    It’s utterly horrific what the doctor is asking of you. You’ve been through enough. I hope your doctor shows you compassion and works with you to find some way to move forward with this so you can begin your grieving and healing process instead of having to wait another 3 weeks.

  3. Theresa says:

    Seriously? Who the hell said that to you? I’d like to personally rip them a new one. Seriously. Fuck them.

  4. cassiedash says:

    I completely, totally, utterly second what Theresa had to say. Those people are NOT your friends! I’m so sorry, and hoping that this period of waiting can be gone in a flash. Hugs.

  5. Louisa says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please do not hesitate to call your OB if the “do it yourself” method doesn’t seem to be working. The sooner you call them the easier it will be for them to schedule a D and C. Please email me if you want to talk.

    • Jeanette says:

      My insurance says it will take 3 days to get approved and then Id need to schedule it. So I’m going to the RE to see if he will give me the suppositories later today.

      Its been 4 days and still not even the first beginning of a bleed.

  6. Daryl says:

    I’m sorry this is happening at all, Jeanette, and the fact that it seems to be taking forever just makes it worse. I know what you mean about two negative comments being the ones that stick with you, but try to ignore those people, who clearly don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. I wish I could give you a big, inappropriately long hug, but know I’m sending my love long-distance.

  7. I am so shocked that people think it’s in their right to leave comments like that! Esp. that God one – I would have replied ‘I’m sorry but are you God to know what God’s doing?’ Then hit the unfriend button.

    As for acupuncture, I don’t know if it brings on miscarriage but I know there’s a point on the inside of your left ankle – spleen point- that they tend to avoid when they think you’re pregnant because it encourages your period to arrive. You might want to see if he puts a needle there.

    Sending you a huge hug from the UK x

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you for the hug, they are always appreciated!

      I went to the acupuncturist yesterday and he did the contra indicative points but so far nothing.

      The god comment, came from my mother who isnt on FB. Shes just generally not a very kind of supportive person

  8. cindysn says:

    How dare some ppl on their high horse tell you something like that…I would have cursed them up and down then blocked them…with friends like those who needs enemies??? Is there anyway that they can do a D&C so you dont have to go thru a natural miscarriage?

    • Jeanette says:

      The harshest comment came from my mother who is not on facebook. The other comment well shes pregnant with her second kid and I assume she meant well but it stung all the same.

      I took the day off work so I can do something. The miscarriage hasnt started yet, I cant get my insurance to approve a D&C without it taking 3 days and my only other alternative is to take the meds the Dr suggested. I am waiting on a call back now to see if it can be done today.

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