Saying Goodbye to the Circus

I’ve seen a lot of posts lately, about people’s successes, and truly I am so happy for each of you who has toiled and suffered and worked so hard for the shimmering happiness that comes with getting a longed for positive, with each week that passes that brings you closer and closer to the safety zone. I do not begrudge your obsessive pee sticks, your burgeoning belly shots and your tentative steps toward a cautious joy. I  happily root for you. I sincerely hope that each of you finds that. I hope I find that.

But the posts about resentments have always made me wonder if I was a good fit for this community. How different my belief systems are, how much older I am,  how different my experiences have been, and all the ways those experiences have shaped me.  I don’t understand how you can wish like crazy for a baby and resent someone who has been on their own path through hell, a positive pee stick or a belly shot. Even in my current state of grief, I can’t grasp this thinking. I can’t wrap my head around it. I understand it. I’ve felt those twinges as well, but I have never given in to them. I never will allow myself to.

To be completely clear, I do not judge you if these are your feelings, they are yours. But I do not understand them in the grand scheme of things.

“Coming out” on Facebook has been nice, sort of. But embarrassing and kind of humiliating. The truth is I don’t think most of my “friends” really want to read about the misery I am currently experiencing. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to continue to share it. If I am brutally honest, I think it was kind of pathetic on my part, to call attention to it. Clearly it was me reaching out into the void, looking for support. I’ve said all  along I don’t have a support system. That has never been clearer and more “in my face” than since my embryo died. I call it an embryo because by medical definition, it wasn’t a fetus yet, and I can’t handle calling it a baby.

Yesterday, someone I respect said to me, “You are right. You really don’t have anyone in your life, like a best friend or a spouse that supports you, so you can’t afford to fall apart. You’re going to have to be stronger.”

This statement made me really angry, because after all I’ve been through, I feel entitled to be weak for a minute. I feel like I deserve to be allowed to fall apart. The truth is, he was right. I have no one that will pick me up again so I AM going to have to be stronger. I am going to have to keep putting one foot in front of the other because there is no one else to do it for me. No one to share my burden.

This most recent series of posts that I’ve read and posted, has made me wonder if I have lost the purpose of this blog. When a Circus becomes a Horror Story perhaps its time for the Circus to close down.

That’s what I’m going to do.

I will not be taking the blog down. I will be reading and responding to comments, but I no longer think this is a positive means to express my feelings about my journey. I have decided I will try IVF again, but I have a lot of ugly to get through first. I think its best sorted out in private, so this will be my last post here.

I have found I really love writing, though I’m not terribly good at it,  and you will now be able to find me at The Luncheonette.

It’s still under construction, but I think it will be a more complete representation of who I am. I will be sharing a menu of my travels, photography, food, my husband and stepdaughter, things I think are funny or inspiring, books, music, movies, my observations of the world, and my immature shenanigans.

I want to thank the IF community for being kind to me, for supporting me and tolerating my sometimes controversial posts. For reading even when I’ve been a bitch or my posts have sucked. I know in my heart that the day will come for each of you when you hold your baby(s) in your arms and feel happier and more complete as women, and as part of families.  My email address is jlko@att.net if you want to stay in touch.

I hope it’s not goodbye, I hope it’s just so long, and I hope to see you at the lunch counter!

Jeanette

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25 comments on “Saying Goodbye to the Circus

  1. babyfeat says:

    You know what, you have the right to fall apart. We all need to sometimes. It’s better than carrying all those unexpressed emotions, which can grow heavy and burdensome and can make us sick. And when ready, we put ourselves back together again, stronger and wiser, and begin the next step in the journey.

    I like your new blog name and idea! I just subscribed to it. Can’t get rid of me. lol

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you! I support you through all you have facing you, I will continue to be here and following your story, and rooting for you. I wish I could do more, but my love is with you.

    • Jeanette says:

      I thought some more about having the right to fall apart. I do, but I dont have the tools to put humpty dumpty back together again, at least not by myself. Because of my husbands Aspergers, I do not have the luxury of falling apart. He wants to be supportive, and he tries, but he literally just isnt capable of handling hard emotions. He loves me. He even read this before I posted it. Told me he knows Im right, that hes sorry, and that he knows it hard for me. For me at this point, its just not possible.

  2. ivfmale says:

    We all must find our own path to heal our emotional wounds. I’ll be sure to catch you on your other blog.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss! Sending warm thoughts for this tough time.

    And I will see you at the Luncheonette!

  4. We will miss in this community. You have to do what you feel is right for you. I won’t stop hoping for you.

    • Jeanette says:

      I wont stop hoping for you either. It could be closer than you think.

      I dont really think the community will even notice me gone, Ive never really felt like I fit in to begin with.

      I hope you get your BFP soon, and I agree the 2ww can just suck it. Best of luck and big hugs!

  5. Wannabemom says:

    I only recently started reading your blog, so who the hell am I to have an opinion, but I appreciate your blunt honesty. I guess it also gives me comfort to read about other people struggling, instead of the droves of BFPs. Maybe that’s sick, I’m not sure. I also appreciate not wanting to share the “journey” with the world anymore. I’m in that place myself right now. Anyways, good luck to you.

    • Jeanette says:

      You are entitled to your opinion, and to express it however you like. One thing I do need to point out though, is if you cant be happy for someone else’s hard earned success, when it happens for you, how do you expect anyone to be happy for you?

  6. dnwible says:

    Best wishes to you! I will definitely follow your other blog, and wish you the best of luck in everything you do.

  7. John Markham/Cap Curmudgeon says:

    My daughter is about your age (b. 1965). As a young woman, when she had her heart broken, I said to her, “You look like you could use a hug,” and she ran to me. I wish I could comfort you personally.

    All my best wishes to you. May this eventually turn in your favor.

    • Jeanette says:

      John,

      I lost my father in 2001, so Id with a tremendous amount of gratitude accept a hug. Im a few years younger than your daughter, but that’s irrelevant I guess. Thank you so much for your generosity, your kind words and your encouragement. I love you for it.

      Jeanette

  8. Canada says:

    I have been following your blog for a few months now. Our journey’s have taken a similar route. I wanted to thank-you for sharing everything that you have over the past few months. When I felt my lowest and the ache of the past few months seemed too much to handle, reading your messages made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Thank-you so much for that. I hope that in time you find peace. I will continue to cheer for you.

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you for your kind message and your sweetness.

      Now that I know about you will continue to cheer for you. Please stay in touch, I can be a good email friend, and am more than willing to share my shenanigans if you want to hear them.

  9. Daryl says:

    I’m sorry you’re struggling to get the support you need. An online community of disembodied voices can only do so much if you don’t also have someone to turn to in the real world. I’m sad to see you leave this place, but it’s definitely not goodbye–I’ll see you on your other blog. And if I obsessively email to see how you’re doing, that’s just me showing I care. 😉

    • Jeanette says:

      Daryl,

      I haven’t figured out how I will give occasional updates about my treatment but I will figure it out. Disembodied voices have been both helpful and hard for me for a variety of reasons. Some of the things I’ve read are incredibly negative, and some have been almost unbearably kind. Trying to find the middle has been hard to say the least.

      The decision Ive made to end this blog, has been one, that’s probably months in coming, but has only in recent weeks become obvious that I need to do. It’s not that I don’t root and love each of you, its that I have an innate desire to protect myself from additional stress and unhappiness while I am dealing with my own process of grieving and starting over. I don’t know how else to do that but to turn inward, and project the person I believe I really am, when outside of these extraordinary circumstances. Someone that is serious but loves to laugh, who doesn’t take herself too seriously who has worked hard for the ability to laugh at how absurd and random this process is, and someone who has other loves and gifts outside of not being someones birth mother. I know it will happen for you, but as I have said before my time is short, and I no longer know if it will happen for me. But I intend to keep trying.

      Some of you I am extremely invested in following. And will continue. But after a year of IVF treatments with a miscarriage happening on almost the exact 1 year date, is a lot for me to swallow.

      You in particular have touched me, and I know with all my heart your ending will be happy. It jsut may not be on the timeline you want.

      Please keep in touch and know that my hopes and best wishes are with you.

      Jeanette

  10. cindysn says:

    I am so sorry that you will be ending your blog but if it helps you in the healing process then do it…you are your first priority and I cannot imagine the pain you are going through but I hope that you are able to find peace one way or another!!! You deserve to be happy and I hope that you find that happiness someway somehow (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

    • Jeanette says:

      Thank you so much! Im kind of sad about it, but I tihnk its time. No one wants to read the horror story my life has become. Jesus I dont even want to LIVE the horror story my life has become.

      I will keep trying for a bay, but Im getting really tired. Im trying to take some steps toward happiness but first I have to find my way out of this darkness. I hope I find it soon.

      Thank you again and huge hugs back to you.

  11. Louisa says:

    Dear Jeanette-
    Your blog is here for you. If its not helping you then you are absolutely right you should stop. I applaud your decision not to take it down as you have no idea who it might help or inspire. Example: it was a blog post from the blog “a little bit pregnant” from 2004 that gave me the most accurate and useful info on small gestational sacs during my last pregnancy. I will happily join you at your lunch counter and will continue to root for you whatever the future holds.

    • Jeanette says:

      While a lot of what I wrote was gibberish, I did put some pretty solid efforts into my posts about AMH and what it means and in educating people about alternative methods of IVF so that they dont necessarily feel so stuck.

      Im going to keep trying, but Im still trying to get past this first most horrible hurdle. I have had 2 doses of the medication, and it doesnt really seem to be working. Except I was up all night vomiting last night. So its a d&c on friday.

      • Louisa says:

        I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs

      • John Markham/Cap Curmudgeon says:

        I never saw gibberish. Never once.

        Maybe you want to dismiss having bared your soul, which you certainly did. But please don’t, because all of it was of beneit to your readers, who saw your strength and resolve. We’re rooting for you, come what may.

        “Gibberish” was never anybody’s interpretation of your incisive commentary.

  12. Jeanette says:

    John, Thank you again. As usual you have brought me to tears with your kindness and encouragement. I cant tell you what it means to me or how much Id like to cash in on that hug.

    Thank you and I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving!

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