Epilogue – Mothers Day 2015

I miscarried very traumatically via D&C  at 16 weeks. It was a perfect, with no genetic abnormalities, baby girl. She was as I felt then, my last chance. I became extremely depressed after my miscarriage but I tried twice more with no eggs retrieved and no further success. A few months after my last post I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve spent the last  18 months fighting for my life. I’ve had 14 surgeries in 16 months. And I am due to be tested for leukemia as soon as I have the courage to take the test.

There will be no children of my own for me.

In the meantime I’ve lost many friends. many young women who have succumbed to this disease. I am inspired by each of their spirits, their love, their hearts, kindness and their bravery.It’s been a long dark lonely road. One that I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the end of, but with the help of a few endlessly kind people I have come through, mostly whole. They know who they are.

Meanwhile Emily has gone off to college, made me incredibly proud, she choose Georgetown. Shes had the biggest best college experience I could hope for her, and shes doing amazing. Shes beautiful and astounds me daily with her grace and loveliness as a young woman. I know shes not mine but I love her like she is. I adore her like she is. I’m proud of her like she is. I don’t know if that counts or not but in my heart she belongs to me.

Im trying. Its the best I can do. To  find life. To find happiness. To find resolution to old family issues. Im trying. To find solutions, to find peace. So to anyone that might read this, I wish you a happy mothers day. To know that mothers come in all forms and love does as well.

Big love to all of you.

Jeanette

 

 

 

 

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5 comments on “Epilogue – Mothers Day 2015

  1. LaineM says:

    I used to love to read your blog, I was surprised when your post popped up today so many years later. Of all the IF journeys I have come to learn about, yours was always the one that stood out to me to most, or perhaps it was more you who stood out to me. I was so sad when you miscarried and then when you posted your last post back in 2012, I remember wishing so hard that you might finally catch a break. I am grateful to know where you are now in life although so incredibly sad to hear about what you have been through and are going through. I hope you find all that you are looking for.
    I wish you all the best Jeanette.

  2. Jeanette says:

    Thank you so much! I Had no idea anyone really still cared. Most of the women went on to have their kids just like I said would happen, and no one has asked whats happened to me. I just felt the need to write this because Ive headed so many groups and tried so hard to be a positive influence.

    But the time had come to put the part of my life to bed, to say good bye, and to try to look for the positives out of it. Today I got my first unprompted happy mother day from my stepdaughter who Ive been raising since she was 3. This years been a lot of firsts. MOst of them really good ones. Her mother givers her a rough time for her tiny rebellions, she calls me crying and console her laugh tell her shes beautiful and fine and if this is the smallest thing she ever does thing her mam will be grateful. She laughs through her tears tells me she knows Im right and that everything will be ok. I tell her its good to be independent, that these small steps keep her from being overly dependent on her mother. That I love her, that Im proud of herand not to cry. I will always be here for her no matter what.

    Thats how I know shes my girl. Im so proud of her. I didnt give birth to her. But shes my girl.

  3. Theresa says:

    Hey Jeanette! I am glad to see you pop out again but am just in disbelief over what you’ve gone through and what little support you’ve had.
    So glad Emily is doing well, and HUGS.

  4. Jeanette says:

    Thanks Theresa, Congratulations on the success of your little family, I hope that all is well with you and yours!

  5. I used to read your blog and had the impulse to read it today. I’m so sorry this has happened to you! I sincerely wish you health and healing

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