Answers

Its been confirmed that the embryo stopped growing. The dr. would like me to have a natural miscarriage so I have that to look forward to.

I was told to stop all medications, and sent home with a box where I can send a sample of the tissue to confirm it was a chromosomal abnormality. If I don’t miscarry naturally in a week then I move on to some sort of pills that will make it happen. If that doesn’t work then I get a d&c.
Thank you for all the kind wishes, thoughts and prayers everyone has sent my way, I appreciate them. But as I said to Belle this morning. I am no ones miracle.

Heartbeat

There was growth of the gestational sack this week, but no growth of the embryo. No fetal pole, no heartbeat. My RE wants me to continue meds, and  monitor again in a week, but the chances of miscarriage are extremely high.

 

Conversations with a Crazy Person

It’s Tuesday night. 6dpt. I started getting anxious to test today. Really anxious and I had to go to Target so that made it worse. I had to get some cleaning supplies, and some vinegar, and some other stuff for my friend’s birthday party that I am helping her with. I wandered by the pregnancy test kit aisle. Put a box of 3 in my cart and then proceeded to have the stupidest conversation with myself for the next 20 minutes while meandering around Target.

“You promised you were not going to test early”

I know but I can’t help it, I’m getting really anxious today.

“You PROMISED! Look at how crappy it’s turned out for you the other 2 times?”

I know but this feels different.

“It could just be the progesterone. It’s probably just the progesterone”

Yes. Possibly. Fine. God you’re an ass.

I remove the tests from my cart somewhere around kids toys. I then wander over to the baby section. The section of Target I always have avoided. I think for a minute, what it would be like to actually BE pregnant and be able to justifiably buy these items. I move on to another aisle.

The conversation continues:

“No you are not buying those! I’m not kidding. NO!”

Ok but the results aren’t going to change if I test early or not.

“No but you will wreck this peaceful happiness bubble of insulation you’ve worked so hard to create around yourself if you test early. Look how well you did at acupuncture yesterday. You didn’t whine or cry or act like a maniac. For Once.”

“You’re 11 days into all the meds, you are doing well. Don’t ruin it”

Always fighting between the logical and possibly insane me.

La Bamba

My body is sensitive to the medications given for IVF. I become a crazy person on Clomid. I cry easily and often on Estrace and Provera, I can feel follicles growing on Menopur. All of them make my lower back hurt. I don’t know why, but I’ve learned to deal with it.

A full 9 days into the progesterone, the Estrace, and the progesterone in oil shots, my lower back is aching. It’s 3dp6dt and I feel good, as in I’m happy to be thinking I could am pregnant until proven otherwise. Other than a bloated rumbly feeling in my stomach, I’m doing fine. Except it feels like my transfer was eons ago already. How can it only be 3 days?

Maybe its midterms, or that I’ve been busy with lots of other things. My stepdaughter took her SAT’s today. She’s been taking PSAT classes since the summer she finished the 7th grade and she’s now a Junior and 16 years old. I didn’t think it was a good idea either, but her mother is one of those Tiger Mom women, where nothing she does is ever good enough. Don’t get me started. So Stepdaughter is upstairs sleeping it off.

I haven’t been sleeping that well, my mind is restless and uneasy.Which I’m a little worried about. I wanted to meditate today but some our neighbors across the street are having a Mariachi band on their front lawn this evening, as well as a party. Ugh. Not. A. Fan. I have half a mind to blast Leonard Cohen and just base boom them out, but our neighbors to the left of us already hate me so I don’t need to make anymore enemies.

My husband keeps talking to my little goldfish before we go to sleep “You are wanted little Jinyu, and you have been extremely expensive, in fact I could have had a brand new expensive car, so swim, and grow and become a little person.” Which I find to be weird, and sort of charming. I do have to admit, I laugh when he’s said it.

OMG they are starting to sing La Bamba, which is intolerable. I might start blasting to Foo Fighters. The last thing I need is La Bamba as an earworm. If I have just given it to you as one? Well then my work here is done.

 
You’re Welcome.

Transfer #3

I realized something today. I wasn’t blogging yet, when I did my first transfer. I didn’t blog about my second transfer until after it failed, I’m not sure why really, the support would have been nice, but I didn’t. Today was FET #3. The miracle Molly gave me, a 6AA fully hatched blast. It was unfrozen, fully expanded and transferred without incident.

I was running late to my pre-transfer acupuncture appointment, and in my rush to get there, I got the first speeding ticket I’ve ever had in my life. Which I guess I can do to traffic school for, but whatever. Transfer went well, while I was in the recover, Molly came to talk to me a little said my uterine lining was great, no stripes, completely white which I guess is what they wanted to see. My P4 from yesterday is a little on the low side at 26.87, she said that a level of about 40 usually indicates a higher than average chance of pregnancy, hence the increase dosage of my PIO shots, and that my E2 was perfect.

I went to the post transfer acupuncture appointment and that went well too, I lay there just trying to keep my mind blank and focus on feeling the needles.

I just walked in the door about 20 minutes ago, so its been a long day for me.

The Beta is next Friday at 11am. Between now and then I hope to do a lot of meditating, catching up on some TV, doing homework for my classes, working on some projects I’m in the middle of, and generally taking things sort of easy. Not too much stress, not too much worry, just focusing on resting my godforsaken noisy mind.

The outcomes at this point are out of my hands. All I can do is wait, try not to be anxious and promise myself not to pee on any sticks. This time, I’m going to wait for the Beta, I’m going enjoy not knowing, and if I cry in front of the Dr so be it.

Snuggle in little bean, snuggle in tight and thrive in your new, less frosty environment.

Today

I went to my clinic to get a final blood draw, and ultrasound this morning to see what my levels are and what my Endometrium (lining) is. Dr Yelian did it himself.

Results: Endometrium 12.4, E2 185+, P4 26.87. My PIO dose has been increased to 1.5ccs. Ow! The transfer is tomorrow at 2:15pm. I will need to be there 30 minutes early, and I will be having acupuncture both before and after the transfer.

I stopped by the Temple today to light candles, meditate, pray, I asked a monk for a blessing, I asked for strength and grace, for this blessing to become a reality, and for happiness good health and harmony for my family. I also asked for forgiveness because I’m a tremendously flawed person. But I am becoming someone I like.

Then I went and got my hair done, because you know what? I don’t want to spend the next few weeks looking at my dark roots. I’m such a girl (I don’t know where this vanity comes from, I’m not even a big makeup wearing person). On the way home, I stopped Costco and bought a big fragrant pineapple, some milk, and some nuts.

You know what I didn’t do today? I didn’t hide me knickers at the ultrasound. In fact I took a picture to prove it.

I even wore hot pink ones just to give my otherwise boring underpants choices a pop of color. I’m starting a knicker revolution. Not really but my blue skirt and hot pink underwear made me laugh and Dr. came into the room before I could shove them out-of-the-way. So here you are. My knickers. It’s not the full shot but its them all the same. Also notice I was not tidy and didn’t fold anything. Its been about 100 degrees lately so knit skirt, t-shirt sandals, I’m golden.

Meditations tonight, some happy thoughts, my first butternut squash soup of the season. A nice peaceful, quiet, evening.

Thank you to everyone that responded to my earlier post, What ever happens is out of my hands now. But I will be praying my little Jinyu snuggles in tight.

Lastly, I’m going to post my IVF song. Don’t look at the video just listen to the music and lyrics. It’s by Ian Britt, an incredible artist and a friend. It’s what I’d say to my imaginary baby. (Shameless plug) You can buy Ian Britts amazing work on iTunes.

Wish me luck. Thank you so much!

The Shape of Us

 

Tides

In less than 2 hours I have my last check to see if things are a go for tomorrows transfer.

I admit it, I’m nervous. Part of me want to move forward immediately and the other part of my want to yell slow down! Its my last frozen blast, I’m scared!

I ordered a rather expensive fertility bracelet 6 or 7 months ago, and I’ve worn it every single day, without fail no matter where I go for that entire time. I take it off only at night and at acupuncture. Last night after my class, I was taking it off and it broke. I froze for a second. Thinking is this a bad omen? Then I thought I don’t believe in omens, so I thought, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something? Then I thought, well that’s stupid. Always a fight between the rational and irrational me.

A bracelet isn’t going to make this transfer fail. An embryo with chromosomal abnormalities will. Chromosomal abnormalities that make it not compatible with life, that’s what will make this fail.

Maybe my hormone levels will cancel the transfer, or my Endometrium will not be ideal. I am ready for that to happen if that’s the case.

After my egg retrieval last Friday, my Dr prescribed Progesterone in Oil shots, progesterone pills and Estrace that started the same day as the retrieval. Last night because I had class from 7-10pm, I had to give myself a PIO shot with no mirror, in a public bathroom. Seriously?

Because the first night I hit a vein or something and caused a bruise that’s eggplant purple and about 4×6 my right side is out. The left side by last night had 4 little hard grape sized bruises so I just went for it, between them. It of course bled a bit but, I’m doing the best I can considering husband refuses to do it and I had to do it in a public bathroom like some kind of fertility medication junky.

There is absolutely no dignity in this process.

I don’t know if you guys remember my little “Luteal Phase Follicle” miracle, but this is it. This is the one that was retrieved post ovulation, fertilized normally, I was called on Day 4 that it died, and then it became a 6AA hatching blast. There is a series of posts written about it that I believe started with this one;l Circus School: Luteal Phase Follicle Edition.

There are a few more posts about it after, following me though the wait to see if it would fertilize and then live to day 5. This is the embryo that would be transferred back. Which I think is part of what makes me nervous, I’m a little afraid to let go of this embryo, a little afraid that it’s already had its magical moment and wont become a baby.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their opinions about this decision. Having been down this particular path before and failed, I’ve not been as much in a hurry as the rest of you, but I do have 3 additional retrievals and I guess that’s a good enough backup.

As you can see, I never made a decision I’m going to let the numbers and the professionals decide for me. It’s rarely been out of my mind since it was suggested to me 4 days ago. I’ve thought about it, meditated on it, and am giving it up to God or Buddha or the Creator, Science or whomever.

Consequently has anyone looked at the moon the last few days? September 30 was the Harvest Moon, and the Chinese Moon Festival, the time of the year when its closest to earth, its been beautiful and huge!

I will update once I find out which way the tide will be turning.