Epilogue – Mothers Day 2015

I miscarried very traumatically via D&C  at 16 weeks. It was a perfect, with no genetic abnormalities, baby girl. She was as I felt then, my last chance. I became extremely depressed after my miscarriage but I tried twice more with no eggs retrieved and no further success. A few months after my last post I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve spent the last  18 months fighting for my life. I’ve had 14 surgeries in 16 months. And I am due to be tested for leukemia as soon as I have the courage to take the test.

There will be no children of my own for me.

In the meantime I’ve lost many friends. many young women who have succumbed to this disease. I am inspired by each of their spirits, their love, their hearts, kindness and their bravery.It’s been a long dark lonely road. One that I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the end of, but with the help of a few endlessly kind people I have come through, mostly whole. They know who they are.

Meanwhile Emily has gone off to college, made me incredibly proud, she choose Georgetown. Shes had the biggest best college experience I could hope for her, and shes doing amazing. Shes beautiful and astounds me daily with her grace and loveliness as a young woman. I know shes not mine but I love her like she is. I adore her like she is. I’m proud of her like she is. I don’t know if that counts or not but in my heart she belongs to me.

Im trying. Its the best I can do. To  find life. To find happiness. To find resolution to old family issues. Im trying. To find solutions, to find peace. So to anyone that might read this, I wish you a happy mothers day. To know that mothers come in all forms and love does as well.

Big love to all of you.

Jeanette

 

 

 

 

Tides

In less than 2 hours I have my last check to see if things are a go for tomorrows transfer.

I admit it, I’m nervous. Part of me want to move forward immediately and the other part of my want to yell slow down! Its my last frozen blast, I’m scared!

I ordered a rather expensive fertility bracelet 6 or 7 months ago, and I’ve worn it every single day, without fail no matter where I go for that entire time. I take it off only at night and at acupuncture. Last night after my class, I was taking it off and it broke. I froze for a second. Thinking is this a bad omen? Then I thought I don’t believe in omens, so I thought, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something? Then I thought, well that’s stupid. Always a fight between the rational and irrational me.

A bracelet isn’t going to make this transfer fail. An embryo with chromosomal abnormalities will. Chromosomal abnormalities that make it not compatible with life, that’s what will make this fail.

Maybe my hormone levels will cancel the transfer, or my Endometrium will not be ideal. I am ready for that to happen if that’s the case.

After my egg retrieval last Friday, my Dr prescribed Progesterone in Oil shots, progesterone pills and Estrace that started the same day as the retrieval. Last night because I had class from 7-10pm, I had to give myself a PIO shot with no mirror, in a public bathroom. Seriously?

Because the first night I hit a vein or something and caused a bruise that’s eggplant purple and about 4×6 my right side is out. The left side by last night had 4 little hard grape sized bruises so I just went for it, between them. It of course bled a bit but, I’m doing the best I can considering husband refuses to do it and I had to do it in a public bathroom like some kind of fertility medication junky.

There is absolutely no dignity in this process.

I don’t know if you guys remember my little “Luteal Phase Follicle” miracle, but this is it. This is the one that was retrieved post ovulation, fertilized normally, I was called on Day 4 that it died, and then it became a 6AA hatching blast. There is a series of posts written about it that I believe started with this one;l Circus School: Luteal Phase Follicle Edition.

There are a few more posts about it after, following me though the wait to see if it would fertilize and then live to day 5. This is the embryo that would be transferred back. Which I think is part of what makes me nervous, I’m a little afraid to let go of this embryo, a little afraid that it’s already had its magical moment and wont become a baby.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their opinions about this decision. Having been down this particular path before and failed, I’ve not been as much in a hurry as the rest of you, but I do have 3 additional retrievals and I guess that’s a good enough backup.

As you can see, I never made a decision I’m going to let the numbers and the professionals decide for me. It’s rarely been out of my mind since it was suggested to me 4 days ago. I’ve thought about it, meditated on it, and am giving it up to God or Buddha or the Creator, Science or whomever.

Consequently has anyone looked at the moon the last few days? September 30 was the Harvest Moon, and the Chinese Moon Festival, the time of the year when its closest to earth, its been beautiful and huge!

I will update once I find out which way the tide will be turning.

Whorehouses and Underpants

That’s a title that will get your attention.

Last Wednesday I had my Endometrial Biopsy. After my protocol was 10 days of Estrace and 10 days of Provera. Then shark week, and the circus begins again.

The Husband and I had a nice weekend, we spent Saturday trying to see a movie which didn’t work out so we went to go get his hair cut, and I tried out one of those weird Chinese $15.00 for one hour of foot massage places. If you live in or near a city with a large ethnic Chinese population, you see they are everywhere. Personally I’ve always been afraid to go in one because it might be some kind of whorehouse or something that involved a “happy ending” and I don’t want anything to do with anywhere like that. Because its weird and creepy and obviously my mind goes to the perviest of all places. I only went in because husband was with me and said it wasn’t a secret prostitution ring.

Oh Mah Gerd. I’ve paid 100.00 for massages that didn’t feel as good as this. It was not weird or hinky at all, and the person that did mine really worked some of the meridians used in Chinese medicine. I wondered briefly while I was getting it done, if this would undo anything my acupuncture Dr. has been doing. Mother of all that is holy, there were some areas that freaking HURT! But once it was done, I was so sleepy and felt so much more relaxed, it really was amazing!

You sit in these lounge chair thingies, it’s all very hygienic and you stay dressed because its like one huge room of people getting massaged. There was pleasant music, and a TV on, showing some weird Chinese TV show with Caucasian people speaking fluent Mandarin, talking about eating weird foods. If you know anything about authentic Chinese food, then you know they eat some weird shit. The TV show was sort of surreal but whatever, you’re missing the point. After, Husband took me out to dinner, and we went home. By then it was about 10pm Saturday night. We settle in to watch TV, and SURPRISE! Shark Week is early. I’ve been on 2 separate meds to keep exactly that from happening. It was between 6 and 10 days early, and I still had 6 days of meds left.

Are these 2 things related? I don’t know, my acupuncturist says no. I just know he’s been telling me that my chi (energy) is really stagnant in some areas and that was one of them. I will see him today, so lets see if that’s still the case.

Which makes yesterday CD2. Blood work, ultrasound, all that jazz. Oh and the results from my Endometrial Biopsy. I have one follicle on my under performing, wallflower of a left ovary that CD2 is 6.1, right ovary is “quiet” for once. Natural cycle for now (no meds yay!) see him again on Day7 which will be Saturday.

While I was waiting without pants for the ultrasound tech, I started wondering why it is that I always hide my panties when someone is going to look at my vagina. Do we all do this? Why? I mean, someone is about to look at a part of our bodies that most of us have only seen a few times anyway. Or is that also just me? My ultrasound tech has seen my junk more than I have in my whole life. My RE has seen it even more than the ultrasound tech, but doesn’t matter, if there is a paper sheet involved, my panties must be folded and hidden underneath my regular clothes. Predictably irrational, anyone?

I’m feeling pretty good about my new plan. In fact I’ve felt better in the last few days than I have in over a month. I keep reminding myself “one thing at a time” “Control what you can left everything else go” I know, I’ve had about as many plans as I have had cycles so yes I know my “plan credibility” is poor. But I’m trying. I really am going to try to stick with this one. My numbers yesterday were not fantastic but whatever, I’m not going to let it bother me which is why I’m not bothering to post them. I’ve had better numbers and gotten nowhere, and I’ve had worse and gotten a blast so I’m not going to let one days blood work dictate my response to the rest of the cycle. New for me, and shows some improvement in my attitude, to toot my own horn. vvg

Dr is going to “wait and see” this cycle to see what happens since I had to stop meds because of the early period. Normally this would stress me the hell out, but I’m ok with it. Lets see what my body does and go from there, it’s still early so, no reason to start thinking negatively.

The results of my Endometrial Biopsy were perfectly normal.
On a completely different note, there have been a lot of women in the Infertility Blogosphere talking about peeing on things lately. A large number of posts about it in fact. I know there are lots of you waiting for BFP’s and I just want to make the blanket statement to all of you that I’m here, each of you are in my thoughts, my fingers are crossed and I hope you get them. But for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, stop peeing on things early. All of you.

I have never reblogged someones post before, but I love this blogger so much. To be honest, I can probably use a Thundershirt.

Give it a read and see if you don’t fall in love with her too. Shes wise, articulate, clearly kind and thoughtful, and I admire her so much.

Mother Sugar

Ah, there’s a storm brewing. I can tell by the way my dog begins to pace the hall, her toenails tap dancing lightly on the reclaimed floor boards, by the way she grins at me, the whites of her eyes making her look desperate to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny. She sniffs the air, smelling something powerful rolling towards her even as the sky, so far as I can see, remains a thin blue.

When she gets this way, I have about thirty minutes before the sky turns black and the drum beats sound and the army of raindrops hammer down on our old roof. Rat tat tat tat tat, and my dog stands and trembles. Now, she’s 63 pounds and when she trembles, let me tell you, you’re trembling too.

A word about my dog: she’s the same breed that got Osama Bin Laden. She’s the…

View original post 921 more words

Maybe Not Maybe

CD 8 monitoring update

I want to think of everything as a new cycle a new beginning. I don’t want to become cynical or bitter or someone who doesn’t hope. But to review, after last months cyst freak show, I was put on Provera. Which means from the start of that cycle to the start of this one was 16 days.

On day 3 I had 2 follicles right side was 8.2 and left side was 5.8. Today I had 2 follicles right side was 6.3 and left side was 6.6. My RE says that its very possible that the 8.2 follicle disappeared, and that a new follicle grew that is now 6.3. Or it shrunk. He doesn’t know. Of course neither do I.

So, the rest of the numbers are: E2 90.3, FSH24, LH9.1.

Dr Yelian asked that I monitor again on Friday, and that if there is a retrieval it will probably be Monday depending on Fridays results.

After consulting previous cycles my “normal” retrieval day is around day 11 or 12, and the one time I had it later the results were extremely poor, but I am told that a longer cycle is better and that this may still turn out to be a good cycle.

To explain how all this works, if the Clomid works and the follicle grows, FSH goes down inversely to the E2 which goes higher. A good cycle will be an FSH under 10, and an E2 over 120 or so. An FSH over 30 can inhibit the growth of the follicles so at that point es-trace or some other kind of estrogen medication can and often will be administered.

I did a LiveChat with my RE on Friday night. Only a few people showed up (much to my disappointment) but the questions were serious and educated. I’m not sure how he feels about it, but I recorded it in case anyone is interested in listening. I will post the link if I get some requests for it. The women that attended really liked it. Because this is my field of work, this lead to a discussion of how he could improve his site, what videos he needs to do, what kind of forums he needs and what are the best practices to keep him one step ahead of everyone else.

He and I had one of those heart to heart talks today, where I explained to him why I want to be a mother so much (for the first time), and why I cried so much at the beginning, and he told me he knew we had “glitches” but that he really thinks I’m a good person and will do everything in his power to help me get pregnant. Clearly we now have a better understanding of one another.

Can someone just wring me out so I stop with the bizarre weeping? Please?

While I’m a little worried about not having a retrieval this week, he gave me comfort in knowing that if I do have a retrieval it will probably be Monday when he’s back from China. Which is some comfort for me. He’s going to China to be a Keynote speaker at some event, traveling for literally a day and a half, to do a speech and then travel back in a total of 3 days. How committed is that?

Monday will be Memorial Day, when Banks, normal Drs offices, and other govt related businesses will be closed. Dedicated? I have to say, I like what he stands for, and I like his commitment and passion. I have to admit when he said he considered me a friend, I started to cry.

I’m blaming the Clomid. Not my sentimentality or the acknowledgement or the care. I’m blaming the drugs.

Because normally no one ever sees me cry.