Carnival Swings

You know that swing ride at the carnival, the one that spins faster and faster and the swings spread out and rise through centrifugal force? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Kind of dizzy and light-headed.

I’ve been pretty calm since the Dr told me about the blast. I’ve been happy, calm, feeling really positive and good. Trying to eat right and catching up on my sleep.

Yesterday I started feeling anxious to get started again, I can’t do a transfer with just one blast, because well, I don’t know, I just think that banking is better. You see the more blasts you have the higher the chance that you have a successful pregnancy. Once I get pregnant I will then need to focus on not miscarrying as women of my age are at a higher risk of miscarriage later into the pregnancy. There’s also the amnio, and then, and then it all begins the spiral of crazy. Which I have promised myself I will not be going down again. I’m not a fool, yes I will probably have more meltdowns, but all this anxiety, is under my control. I can choose to give in to it, or I can choose not to. To continue with my little plan of one hurdle at a time. Which is what I have every intention of doing. Each step I get a bit closer to trading each little prize in for a larger one. Realistically, I’m still a ways out so pacing myself is important. In fact it might be the key to this whole endeavor.

Last evening, I wasn’t feeling that well, I was dizzy and tired and taking some stuff upstairs. I have 2 little dogs and they follow me everywhere. I was getting light-headed about halfway up the stairs. I stopped at the top of the landing, the dogs, kind of weaving through my feet, I was already kind of off-balance and I fell. Backwards. Down 16 polished concrete steps. I tried to grab the railing, my butt hit first, and then my head and fell all the way to the bottom. My husband was still at work, and as I lay there at the bottom of the steps, my eyes watering, with the dogs at the top of the stairs looking at me like I was an idiot I realized something. That I’m not doing well enough at taking care of myself. Eating, sleeping and exercising is one thing, but what about managing stress, anxiety, fear of failure and giving in to the spiral of “what ifs?”

4 months ago the overwhelming nature of these thoughts would have brought on an anxiety attack, a barrage of tears and a feeling of defeat. Today I just went to the Dr to make sure I didn’t really hurt myself, I made an appointment with my acupuncture Dr and I began researching meditation and visualization. Even though I feel foolish. I will do it because while I have done pretty well, I haven’t been doing well enough. If I am going to make it through the long road ahead, I must have some more tools at my disposal.

There is a Buddhist temple near where I live that’s so beautiful, and so incredibly peaceful, it doesn’t even seem like you are in Ca. It’s otherworldly. We went there during the Lunar New Year to see the decorations, its been on my mind ever since. I also went there today to clear my head and take in the peace of the place. Plus I took this picture of a statue of Buddha surrounded by children. All fat and happy.

Life wouldn’t be a circus if there weren’t a fun house, some questionable rides, disgusting food and those mirrors where you look all wavy and distorted. There’s some kind of parable or metaphor in this that I’m not articulating well but you get the general idea.