Today

I went to my clinic to get a final blood draw, and ultrasound this morning to see what my levels are and what my Endometrium (lining) is. Dr Yelian did it himself.

Results: Endometrium 12.4, E2 185+, P4 26.87. My PIO dose has been increased to 1.5ccs. Ow! The transfer is tomorrow at 2:15pm. I will need to be there 30 minutes early, and I will be having acupuncture both before and after the transfer.

I stopped by the Temple today to light candles, meditate, pray, I asked a monk for a blessing, I asked for strength and grace, for this blessing to become a reality, and for happiness good health and harmony for my family. I also asked for forgiveness because I’m a tremendously flawed person. But I am becoming someone I like.

Then I went and got my hair done, because you know what? I don’t want to spend the next few weeks looking at my dark roots. I’m such a girl (I don’t know where this vanity comes from, I’m not even a big makeup wearing person). On the way home, I stopped Costco and bought a big fragrant pineapple, some milk, and some nuts.

You know what I didn’t do today? I didn’t hide me knickers at the ultrasound. In fact I took a picture to prove it.

I even wore hot pink ones just to give my otherwise boring underpants choices a pop of color. I’m starting a knicker revolution. Not really but my blue skirt and hot pink underwear made me laugh and Dr. came into the room before I could shove them out-of-the-way. So here you are. My knickers. It’s not the full shot but its them all the same. Also notice I was not tidy and didn’t fold anything. Its been about 100 degrees lately so knit skirt, t-shirt sandals, I’m golden.

Meditations tonight, some happy thoughts, my first butternut squash soup of the season. A nice peaceful, quiet, evening.

Thank you to everyone that responded to my earlier post, What ever happens is out of my hands now. But I will be praying my little Jinyu snuggles in tight.

Lastly, I’m going to post my IVF song. Don’t look at the video just listen to the music and lyrics. It’s by Ian Britt, an incredible artist and a friend. It’s what I’d say to my imaginary baby. (Shameless plug) You can buy Ian Britts amazing work on iTunes.

Wish me luck. Thank you so much!

The Shape of Us

 

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101

My last post was post number 100. I didn’t even notice.

I went to the RE today for CD7 monitoring, I have 1 follicle still on the left ovary that is 12.1. FSH is lower, *weird* E2 is about where it’s supposed to be.  It’s grown exactly 6mm in less than 5 days with a natural cycle. Which as of this morning is no longer natural. I’m on a new protocol this month, where instead of Clomid, I’ve been prescribed Tamoxifen. Which I am only familiar with as a cancer drug. Because my mother took it for 10 years, before being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. That scared me a little, however it seems my RE has discovered that it acts (stimulates) similarly to Clomid but doesn’t thin your Endometrium or cause your LH to surge unnaturally. I monitor again on day 12 (Tuesday) to see whats happening. I imagine, since I’ve done this 10 or 11 times before, that I will trigger, and get a retrieval at some point next week if all goes well with the new meds. In 10, 11, oh who the hell knows, how many retrievals, I’ve never had a dominate follicle come from my left side. Ever. I’ve gotten a follicle or 2 from it before but they always wind up being the immature ones.

My left ovary is all wallflower-ish and under achieving. Like me in High School. Kinda. It’s the one that’s most easily visible and isn’t in a weird place like my right one, but it’s generally kind of lazy. Who else has 1 lazy ovary? How do you get it to be less lazy? Tell it, “You’re grounded until you produce a follicle?” Seriously, is there anything anyone can do to wake the lazy one up? Throw ice water on it? Poke it? What causes one to be lazy? Is there a difference in the egg quality?

Its been a busy week. Remember how I took Chinese III (Mandarin) a few months ago? We this semester I decided since I’m at home alone a lot at night, to take Honors Economics and Honors Political Science and Chinese IV, for fun. Note to self: Stop making decisions while hopped up on fertility meds or in the middle of a depression after a failed FET. Most people would avoid making decisions during times like that. Not me. Bring on some school, and some homework, and some new pencils, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR this is expensive! Yes. I am an idiot.

My new “plan” is actually going pretty well so far. I’m avoiding the people and the “friends” and the situations that don’t add something positive to my life or my day-to-day. Instead, I’m trying to focus on friendships and classes and activities like Yoga, that make me feel better about myself. I’m also trying to avoid added stress and while the classes “might* have been counter intuitive, I have to admit it does feel good to have my brain engaged in something intellectual. Add a little more exercise and I should have a good recipe for how to better manage the outside stressors in my life.

Since I had to get a scrip filled from the Dr, I stopped at Costco this morning after my appointment. Where I got the scrip filled and decided to bring home some flowers for no other reason than because I felt like it. Usually there has to be an occasion. But not today. Today I just want to be surrounded by pretty, happy, peace and serenity, and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Right?

50 Shades

For a few months now I’ve been hearing about this “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy of books, which have flown off the shelves and is now in pre-production to be made into a movie, rumored to be directed by Angelina Jolie. Que giant eye roll. Seriously? 6 kids and you want to produce that? Really? Ok then, Ive questioned her judgement for a long time.

Everyone and their idiot brother has done an article or a segment on how “these books are changing marriages everywhere!”

These books started as Twilight Fan Fiction, which should have told me already that they would be horrible and after seeing middle aged women’s reaction to the whole Twilight thing, I have to admit, I was embarrassed for my gender.

I read one of the Twilight books because my stepdaughter wanted to read them, and I was appalled by the poor writing, the stupid teenaged angsty plot and the general lack of good decision-making. But ok, who am I to tell someone not to read something so she read them. All of them. Shes also seen the movies. When I rent them for her she makes me leave the room because she knows I will make fun of them. Somewhere toward the middle of the movie she comes to get me and we make fun of them together.

My personal reading tastes tend to lean more toward history and classics and though I enjoy an occasional chick lit kind of book it’s not usually my kind of thing.

These books are straight up Mommy Porn. That include spanking, and other S/M type er.. other graphic stuff. Look I don’t care what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Swing from the chandeliers for all I care, I just don’t really need it in excruciating detail.

The main character is a 23-year-old VIRGIN (again with the giant eye roll), who bites her bottom lip a lot, says “oh my” and “Jeez” every 3 sentences. She also can’t remember to take her birth control pills and is basically why we don’t currently have a woman as president.

The man is older rich, incredibly good-looking, misunderstood and a tortured soul. The girl, decides she’s going to try to change him. Because that always works out so well.

Anyhow. I’m not really sure the point of this post and I don’t want to discourage anyone from actually reading, but the fact that I’ve seen these books at Costco appalled me. It’s like “YAY for mediocrity!” Ugh. Cant we do better than 50 Shades of Complete Crap? Please?

Loco

Rather than start this post with the qualifier that it’s a downer I’m just going to post a funny picture.

No. Its not my picture, or my dog but the hairy eyeball is something I’ve given out pretty frequently lately. I like that little dogs crazy eyes.

I’ve been wrestling with where I go from here (as though I am in control, see what I did there?) There is nothing to be decided really, but I feel the need to create a plan or a strategy. Because planning things I have no control over is super useful.

I can’t seem to stop myself from trying to create a strategy, and running through all the possible scenarios. If x happens then the result will be y, if y happens then z will be the outcome. I have control issues. Sue me. Maybe I am a drama queen but every bad cycle discourages me a little, and chips away at whatever faith/hope/trust I have in my own bodies ability to make good eggs and my belief in my ability to get pregnant. I keep reminding myself to “Have faith in your journey” When all I really want to do is yell WTF? Not just the letters either.

“Maybe I should take a break?” because of my AMH, I am afraid to.

I’ve been “unpleasant” to be around since Friday, and by unpleasant, I mean scary. I cry easily. I’m overly emotional, I’m short-tempered and I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping past 4 or 5 am no matter what time I went to bed. I don’t have a lot of patience with myself, I am sick of pouting, sick of myself. Sick of not feeling like myself. I’ve spent most of the weekend in my head. Talking to myself, and trying not to talk to my husband because I don’t trust myself not to say something critical or unkind.

My one real-life friend who knows about my IVF went to Costco the other day and called me asking me if I needed anything. My answer was “Yes please. Id like the ovaries of a 25 year old, a new life and an Asian baby. And some sour patch kids if they have any.” She lives in Canada so, you know, she didn’t buy me anything on my list.

I’ve worked in the yard a lot. Moving things around, replanting some trees and flowers, moving lawn furniture, washing it down, cleaning the low wall around my patio with a scrub brush, soap and hot water. Raking, lacing out trees, trimming hedges. Moving the statuary to better locations and fixing the fountain.

I do that when I am unhappy, I clean until everything is spotless, laundry, iron, put things away, purge closets, clean some more, wash everything down, polish furniture, sweep and mop floors, organize until there is nothing left to be organized. Except whatever is in my head. Which if I could fold like a load of laundry and put it away, I would. Consequently as I type this, you can eat off any surface in my house. Not that you’d want to. I’m just saying.

I will see the Dr this morning and have my hormone levels checked. I can’t say I’m nervous. I’m not, I’m numb. I don’t expect anything good to come out of this meeting. Chances are he will say “No more Clomid for you, only natural cycles”, which are a whole other can of worms. You can’t control ovulation with natural cycles, and I’ve had 3 of them where I ovulated the best, lead follicles early so, no bueno. Or… “were going to give you Birth Control Pills, or Estrogen”… or something else that is new, and scary and may over suppress my already defective ovaries.

After,  I have to go have Dim Sum with my In-Laws who love tolerate me. Why you might ask? Because my husband decided last night that today was a great day to drive up and see them. The insensitivity is strong in this one Luke. I know he means well, but he doesn’t get that I am about as stressed out as it is possible for one person to be, and frankly. I don’t want to see anyone. Crap, if I am truthful I don’t want to see myself right now.

The plus side of my cleaning frenzy is my little fountain is fixed, I have created a new seating area in the rear of my yard, and all my little Asian statuary looks fantastic.

The outcomes of the meeting wont be posted for a while after, but I will post it later tonight.

Here are some pictures of the work I’ve been doing in the backyard so it will hopefully counterbalance the negativity of this post. You can see each picture in more detail if you click on them.

Japanese Maple tree, with a tiny pagoda.

My fountain whose filter is no longer clogged with roots, or biodegradable ew.

Yes, that is a Buddhas head.

Foo Dog, it’s an antique and I’m not sure if I love it or hate it. Husband loves it, but the painted eyes creep me out.

If you look into the tree and see all those Moroccan stars, they each hold a candle and we light them when we have parties.

My avocado tree is shedding a lot of leaves now so even after all that work yesterday there are leaves in the yard making my perfection imperfect.

Story of my life.

Carnival Food

Day  8 Monitoring is tomorrow and I am anxious.

Anxious that if my right ovary does make a rare appearance that there will not be any follicles in it, that it will be empty, like a Kardashian’s head. Anxious that I will never have another normal cycle, or one that doesn’t scare the living hell out of me.

Because I am a control freak, I’ve controlled the heck out of my food intake today. Swallowed a handful of supplements, drank about 20oz of wheat grass juice and about 50oz of water, ate 2 pears, a salad, and some home-made split pea soup. I’ve had roughly 900 calories today, which probably isn’t enough. So I will have a little more soup later. I also went to acupuncture, where I was pinned, and then “adjusted”. Now physically, I’m tired, anxious, have a mask on my face, because as I said, its important while someone is looking at your girly parts that your skin is spectacular. I seriously have no idea why this matters to me.

Ive been on 50mg of clomid since day 3, and every once in a while I feel this weird kind of pulse/tapping in the area I imagine my ovaries are located. It only last for 10 or 15 seconds, happens on one side at a time and then disappears. Which I’m hoping means that the Walmart happy face  construction crew is back and that something worthwhile is under construction. But like a regular construction crew I imagine they take a lot of breaks, so this tapping weirdness isn’t constant. It only happens a couple of times a day. And no, I don’t mean an actual Walmart. I hate that place, its like the 9th circle of hell. Its worse than Costco.

I mean follicles. It’s so strange to think of primordial follicles that on day 2 or 3 are not visible via ultrasound can suddenly come into existence in just a few days, and grow between 1 and 2mm a day. I kind of like saying primordial, it’s not a word I normally use but look at me! I used it twice here and once in a sentence today. Broken ovaries and I’m still improving my vocabulary. A silver lining if I ever saw one.

If tomorrow is good news, then I guess I need to accept the last 2 cycles as my new normal and try to just stop worrying.

I will face whatever happens, but really, I’m anxious.

Embryos, Costco and Bail bondsmen.

Today my Dr called to tell me if my goldfish has become a tadpole. Yes I’m totally mixing metaphors. Goldfish don’t become tadpoles. But tadpoles don’t really fit in with my circus/carnival theme so thank you for pointing that out.

When I called them, they said when they checked it this morning, it was a morula with too many cells to count easily, meaning it’s almost a blastocyst but not quite.  It’s still compacting. So they are going to culture it another day or so. You can read what a morula is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morula

A day 6 blast is not as good as a day 5 blast but its better than nothing and it is my first blast.

Then while I was at Costco with my husband, they called twice in 5 minutes but left no message (stupid concrete building my phone didn’t ring) So I don’t know maybe it became a blast, maybe something happened. They didn’t leave a message and they are closed on Sundays.

To keep myself from freaking out, I’m going to take a left turn.  Why do people go to Costco on the weekends? I mean seriously, its people that can barely drive a shopping cart much less a car, the parking lot is always a nightmare, people stand like vultures over a tray of toothpicks in cheese and frankly I’m not sure how anyone gets in or out of there without requiring a bail bondsman. But then, maybe that’s just me.

Christmas eve day, after my husband announced he had no gift for his mother to which I said “Wait what? I bought her something months ago” He replied ” I hid it in E’s room and she thought it was for her and wore it to school, so we have to get something else” I stared at him and said ” there are 4 bedrooms in this house, and 2 of them are empty, and both have closets, and you put it in your daughters closet? Really?” Anyhow, we wound up at Costco, where there was a line forming behind some couple and their very slow walking grandfather, because the guy at the door was giving away those booze coupons. I got in the line, stood there for a minute and thought “Why am I in this line? The door is 4 carts wide, and I don’t want any booze coupons” so I proceeded to enter the store.

The elderly gentleman in front of me didn’t like that,  so he came up to me while my husband was looking at the slipper display and said loudly “YOU CUT IN LINE. THERE WAS A LINE, BLAH BLAH BLAH” for about 3 minutes calling me names and generally pointing out what a despicable human being I am. To which I replied “Merry Christmas!” He stomped off, I told the husband that he was going to take me home and he could find his mother a gift on his own. Shocker, all the slippers in his mother’s size were gone anyway.

The point of this story is why Costco is generally Lucifer‘s  Emporium. They are all made of concrete and my phone doesn’t ring when I am inside them.

I will have to wait until Monday to find out what happened. In the meantime, Happy St. Patricks Day to those of you who are Irish by birth, choice or injection. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary to the love of my life, my best friend, my partner in crime and the only person I want to see when I get up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I love you. Thank you for letting me be the crazy one