Phoenix

No. I didn’t run off to Phoenix, nothing personal to anyone who lives there, but I’m not a fan of the desert. If I am not near a body of water I get disoriented and wander around in circles like some kind of dehydrated nomad. Plus as I’ve said before, my natural color is somewhere in the range of “pale blue” so the desert doesn’t generally look good on me.

I went to see Dr Yelian this morning, was happily greeted by my favorite vampire, where my blood was drawn and she informed me that I was indeed scheduled for an ultrasound. To which I responded “Dammit!” because if my cycle is going to be canceled I should be exempt from having to take my pants off. Right? It’s in the rulebook. Oh that’s right, there is no rulebook.

The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound, “cold gel, I’m sorry its cold, please let me know if its gets too uncomfortable” Right ovary, no clear visualization. Because its Memorial day, and it apparently went away for the long weekend.

Left side… 1 follicle that at first appeared around 5.2 mm, then after looking around again and checking from another angle measured 9.8. She didn’t believe it so she called for Dr Y to verify it. I hung out pantsless for about 20 minutes before Dr Y came in, shook my hand, looked for himself, couldn’t find anything and said “Get K in here so she can show me this follicle.” She came in, showed him, he said “Yep that looks like a real follicle”. What? There are fake follicles?

E2 137, LH 15.3, P4 1.47

What does this mean? I’m not sure, to quote the Dr. “I was monitoring your levels from China, and this is a very strange cycle”  My P4 from Friday made it seem I had ovulated. Although, how an egg can be mature at 6mm is beyond me. Whatever. Yes this is still a strange cycle. I now having something called a Luteal Phase Follicle. Which means a new, maturing follicle of good size AFTER I’ve already ovulated. Wait, are you still confused? Me too. I will do another post later about Luteal Phase follicles, just bear with me here.

They left, I put my clothes back on and put the paper sheet in the trash and was told to wait to be called by the nurse. Dr. Y was insanely busy so I didn’t really get a chance to speak to him but he said I would be given meds to take home, and when my blood work came back they would call me with a plan.

296.00 for 2 shots later, I left with 2 big doses of Menopur, in the clinics signature pink bag, and a lot of questions.

We had Dim Sum with my husbands mother, and sister, and her husband. His mother told me I was not eating enough, but that I’m too fat, and that my face is too thin, so keep losing weight, but not in my face. Hard to please much? Shes 89. My understanding is that women over the age of 60 can say and do anything they want, to anyone they want, when ever they want. So we have that to look forward to.

Here’s the treatment plan, 1, 150ml shot of Menopur tonight at 8pm along with Clomid. Continue Clomid daily, another 150ml shot of Menopur on Wednesday night and I see the Dr on Thursday.

Do I know what happens after that? No. What do I think? I have no clue. Am I hopeful? I don’t know. But it feels better to be DOING something than to be contemplating my navel and berating my ovaries.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you call it the Fertility Circus?” This cycle is a perfect example of why. Plus it sounds way better than the Fertility Roller-coaster, or Fertility Merry go Round.

Why did I call this post Phoenix? Because apparently like that mythical bird, this cycle has risen from the ashes.

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Loco

Rather than start this post with the qualifier that it’s a downer I’m just going to post a funny picture.

No. Its not my picture, or my dog but the hairy eyeball is something I’ve given out pretty frequently lately. I like that little dogs crazy eyes.

I’ve been wrestling with where I go from here (as though I am in control, see what I did there?) There is nothing to be decided really, but I feel the need to create a plan or a strategy. Because planning things I have no control over is super useful.

I can’t seem to stop myself from trying to create a strategy, and running through all the possible scenarios. If x happens then the result will be y, if y happens then z will be the outcome. I have control issues. Sue me. Maybe I am a drama queen but every bad cycle discourages me a little, and chips away at whatever faith/hope/trust I have in my own bodies ability to make good eggs and my belief in my ability to get pregnant. I keep reminding myself to “Have faith in your journey” When all I really want to do is yell WTF? Not just the letters either.

“Maybe I should take a break?” because of my AMH, I am afraid to.

I’ve been “unpleasant” to be around since Friday, and by unpleasant, I mean scary. I cry easily. I’m overly emotional, I’m short-tempered and I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping past 4 or 5 am no matter what time I went to bed. I don’t have a lot of patience with myself, I am sick of pouting, sick of myself. Sick of not feeling like myself. I’ve spent most of the weekend in my head. Talking to myself, and trying not to talk to my husband because I don’t trust myself not to say something critical or unkind.

My one real-life friend who knows about my IVF went to Costco the other day and called me asking me if I needed anything. My answer was “Yes please. Id like the ovaries of a 25 year old, a new life and an Asian baby. And some sour patch kids if they have any.” She lives in Canada so, you know, she didn’t buy me anything on my list.

I’ve worked in the yard a lot. Moving things around, replanting some trees and flowers, moving lawn furniture, washing it down, cleaning the low wall around my patio with a scrub brush, soap and hot water. Raking, lacing out trees, trimming hedges. Moving the statuary to better locations and fixing the fountain.

I do that when I am unhappy, I clean until everything is spotless, laundry, iron, put things away, purge closets, clean some more, wash everything down, polish furniture, sweep and mop floors, organize until there is nothing left to be organized. Except whatever is in my head. Which if I could fold like a load of laundry and put it away, I would. Consequently as I type this, you can eat off any surface in my house. Not that you’d want to. I’m just saying.

I will see the Dr this morning and have my hormone levels checked. I can’t say I’m nervous. I’m not, I’m numb. I don’t expect anything good to come out of this meeting. Chances are he will say “No more Clomid for you, only natural cycles”, which are a whole other can of worms. You can’t control ovulation with natural cycles, and I’ve had 3 of them where I ovulated the best, lead follicles early so, no bueno. Or… “were going to give you Birth Control Pills, or Estrogen”… or something else that is new, and scary and may over suppress my already defective ovaries.

After,  I have to go have Dim Sum with my In-Laws who love tolerate me. Why you might ask? Because my husband decided last night that today was a great day to drive up and see them. The insensitivity is strong in this one Luke. I know he means well, but he doesn’t get that I am about as stressed out as it is possible for one person to be, and frankly. I don’t want to see anyone. Crap, if I am truthful I don’t want to see myself right now.

The plus side of my cleaning frenzy is my little fountain is fixed, I have created a new seating area in the rear of my yard, and all my little Asian statuary looks fantastic.

The outcomes of the meeting wont be posted for a while after, but I will post it later tonight.

Here are some pictures of the work I’ve been doing in the backyard so it will hopefully counterbalance the negativity of this post. You can see each picture in more detail if you click on them.

Japanese Maple tree, with a tiny pagoda.

My fountain whose filter is no longer clogged with roots, or biodegradable ew.

Yes, that is a Buddhas head.

Foo Dog, it’s an antique and I’m not sure if I love it or hate it. Husband loves it, but the painted eyes creep me out.

If you look into the tree and see all those Moroccan stars, they each hold a candle and we light them when we have parties.

My avocado tree is shedding a lot of leaves now so even after all that work yesterday there are leaves in the yard making my perfection imperfect.

Story of my life.