Things Worth Saving

I wish I could say that I have a good relationship with my family. The truth is I just don’t. I can’t have a civilized conversation with my mother for more than 5 minutes, neither of my sisters speak to me, so that leaves 2 brothers. One who talks to me occasionally and the other who doesn’t. My father passed away suddenly 11 years ago.

For years I wished things were different. While I seemed to grasp that logically, emotionally there was still a sad little girl who wishes we aren’t so fractured as a family. My husband has learned that some holidays I tolerate better than others and that  some are altogether un-salvageable. Which 1. Made me think I married a pretty awesome guy and 2. Made me wonder how much my sadness has affected the family I have now. It’s a sobering thought. It made me uncomfortable, because my sadness is my responsibility. If I’ve focused on my sadness, then I’ve not been giving my best to the family I’ve created.

I’ve heard that I need to “live in the moment” or “walk out of your upbringing” and lots of other colloquialisms that seemed trite and never really resonated with me. I mean seriously where is the instruction manual?!

I was in my 30’s before I started cooking regularly, because I thought that cooking for 1 was a waste of my time and cooking for 2 was also a waste of my time.  I outsourced my housework, laundry, dry cleaning, and sometimes cooking, because my time was worth so much more than those menial tasks.

A few months ago, by accident, I realized that I save things “for a special occasion”.  Saved them for a time that’s more important than now, where I will be prettier, thinner, happier, more satisfied. Endless tomorrows that never seem to come.

What I suddenly grasped was that life is ordinary. It’s made up of lots of menial tasks, a million ordinary moments, and a few extraordinary ones. There are no special tomorrows. Yes there will be special times, but I think that the point is to see the beauty in the menial tasks and ordinary moments.

Maybe it’s time to wear that outfit I’ve saved, or to use the crystal or china that’s been sitting in the cupboard for years gathering dust. Maybe it’s time to stop looking at the past, and letting it overwhelm me. Time to realize and accept that I’m never  NOT going to be sad about it. Being sad is a normal reaction to terrible events. It’s time to make peace with it, to realize it’s never going to go away, and for lack of a better term, acknowledge that it walks along with me whether I like it or not. Acceptance.

I don’t like cleaning but I love a clean house. I HATE folding laundry, but I love the smell and feel of fresh sheets, towels and clothes. I’ve learned to enjoy cooking because I like to know what I’m feeding my family. These menial tasks, they have become a huge part of my life.

Ideally you get two chances at parenthood. You get the ones who gave birth to you, and the ones you become in whatever form that takes. My past is sad, but I’m aware that I need to put it aside, stop saving things for a “special occasion”, give my fullest attention to my family, and both work toward and allow myself to hope for a better now.

Blastocyst

The dr just called. My embryo became a blastocyst this afternoon about 4pm. It has now been frozen and is graded a 1 the highest grade. My small prize just got a bit bigger!

Laying an egg

Ive talked in rather..explicit detail about my experience so far, and I have to admit a lot of it is pretty funny. This, in my opinion is less so but it still has its moments.

I have had oocyte 4 retrievals. One each month since December.

My first was 12/19/2011, where 2 oocytes were retrieved, 1 wasn’t mature enough and was discarded, the other was fertilized on day 2, and according to the embryologist wasn’t of “high” quality. It wasn’t awful but it wasn’t ideal either.

The second was 1/16/2012 there were 5 oocytes, 4 of good size, I ovulated the 2 lead ones early from my prodigal right ovary, 2 more were taken from the left side. 1 wasn’t mature and was discarded, the second was frozen on day 2 because the Dr felt like I was so upset by the early ovulation and the loss of the other egg, that he decided to freeze it rather than grow it to blast. The difference in quality of these 2 eggs was quite obvious when the pictures were given to me. The first picture looks like a textbook example of what they dont want, and the second is a textbook image of what they do want. 4 clear cells with no fracturing.

The third was 2/13/2012, a completely non medicated cycle because I was also going to do a transfer a few days later, there was  1 oocyte, I was prepped for the procedure, told that I ovulated the egg early and told to come back on 2/15 for the FET, also known as a Frozen Embryo Transfer

Ive pretty much covered my march retrieval so I wont go down that path again but will instead tell you about my one experience of having an Embryo Transfer.

It was amazing really, you are all naked from the waist down, (not new) they put your embryos up on a big monitor so you can see them kind of wiggling around, they ID you, ID your embryos, you sign your paperwork stating that you know whats being transferred to you and then the Dr inserts a catheter into your cervix. You can see the catheter from the sonogram pictures on a screen right next to your face. He tells you he’s transferring one embryo, then that the second is being transferred, and then you can see them swimming around in the fluid they are inserted with. The Dr. checks the catheter to make sure no embryos are stuck in it, they remove it, and you are given images of your embryos, and led out of the surgery, and onto a recovery kind of bed/chair.

Anyone else in the recovery at that time, is also doing transfers so you might be there with one or two other women. In my case the woman next to me whispered nonstop. She was Japanese so I think she was whispering prayers. She could have been whispering the periodic tables but I assume it was prayers. Who could blame her? I did the same thing.

No matter how religious you are or are not, never in your whole life have you wanted more for those little cells to be happy and flourish in your body. To implant and grow and become your child. I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings about the transfer, but I did, I admit it, I prayed and wished and hoped and the entire experience was somewhere between being super surreal and somewhere on the verge of tears.

Then the dreaded two-week wait.

You are given progesterone tablets, suppositories or shots that must be taken twice a day. Assuming you become pregnant you will take them for the entire 10 weeks, possibly longer before your RE releases you to your ObGyn.

After my transfer I was told to go home, stay pretty much still for a day or three, and then just be careful, no lifting more than 5 pounds, no baths etc. My husband bless his heart, practically had a fit when I tried to push the cart in Target. It was a really funny feeling, who the hell am I kidding, it was a fantastic feeling to be doted on.

For me, somewhere around day 3 after the transfer the progesterone was building in my system, and I started getting nauseated. First I threw up once a day then 3 and 4 times a day, until about day 9 when it finally subsided. I paid attention to every little twinge, every little movement, every little flutter or backache. For whatever reason my back ached a lot.

I was so relieved about finally having completed the first round of IVF that for at least a week I didn’t think about taking a HPT. Then my friend kept asking me every day, “when are you taking one?” , “how come you haven’t taken one yet”. What I didn’t know yet was that it was too early to show up on a HPT. But I finally gave in the night before my Beta because if it was negative I didn’t want to cry in front of the Dr. Id cried enough in front of him and I wanted to be in control of my emotions.

It was negative.

That was on Monday 2/27/2012. By Friday 3/2/2012 shark week had started and so I started the monitoring carousel again. And this blog.

As I said this isn’t for the weak or faint of heart. Its hard, it hurts, and a lot of emotions are involved. Some are constructive and some are not. You get to choose how you want to deal with it, if you want to get discouraged, or beat down.  You get to decide how you want to cope.

I am coping by writing it down. It’s not lost on me that this could turn out badly, or that I am really putting myself out there for criticism by documenting my experiences. I choose to face it, to own it.  If the day comes when I have to explain to my child, that he/she was made in a petri dish, well, I will jump off that bridge when I get to it.

Viva La Vida

Today was my day 8 monitoring appointment after hearing that on day 2 there were no follicles. The plus side of this is that I wasn’t bleeding, but no I still can’t look the ultrasound tech in the eye. I’ve given up on that. Shes a really pretty, nice, woman. I just want to apologize to her that she’s seen my vagina more in the last 4 months than I have in my whole life.

It was stressful. I was given the blood-work, then the ultrasound, for some reason they can never find my right ovary, I’ve mentioned that before but I’m not kidding, at least once a month they can’t find it. It wanders off like my husband in the grocery store when he sees that there are 1 bazillion choices of soup. I keep shopping and he stays there staring. 10 minutes later I notice he’s not with me, and then I can never find him either.

During the ultrasound, the tech couldn’t find my right ovary. She called for the dr to come in, who also couldn’t find it. He told me to get dressed and from the lack of success I assumed this would be a throwaway cycle at best, and the beginning of the end at worst. I was at the desk waiting to check out my bloodwork came back, the Dr stopped me asked to do another ultrasound. Apparently my E2 was so high that there was no way there were not follicles in there. Without ever getting a clear look at my right ovary, the Dr  found 2 follicles, one that was 5mm and the other was 14.1mm so he wants me to monitor again on day 10. There was good news today but after the fear of this past week, I am back to squishy and a little raw. I’m sitting here relieved, a little hopeful, and a little vulnerable. I don’t know yet what comes after this, if I will be doing a retrieval or not, but after the anxiety of this week I’m trying to slow down, to one day at a time, one hurdle at a time. LH was 4.3, so I’m not close to my “surge”.

To clarify a few things, I’m not doing traditional IVF, I’m doing something called Minimal Stimulation IVF or Natural Cycle IVF, it’s a protocol used a lot in Japan, and China, its supposed to be a good for older women, and women with certain issues, like cancer, or PCOS. It also costs a lot less than traditional IVF, the idea is to get fewer, but higher quality eggs. There are only a couple of clinics in the US that do it, and they are crazy busy. Upon entering the office for the first time, my husband said, “He’s either incredibly talented at what he does, or its free”. I’ve never been to any doctors office that’s so busy. It still surprises me every time I go.

I should also mention that the Dr is compassionate, kind and patient. I am not the easiest person to treat, I question everything, I am impatient and vague reassurances don’t cut it for me. I am demanding, without being a dragon lady, but he has always taken the time to answer my questions. I believe he cares about his patients and isn’t a used car salesman like so many of the IVF clinics you hear about are, making promises they know they can’t keep.

Women in this for the long haul, I think the most important thing you can do for yourselves is take care of you. Eat well, sleep enough, avoid additional stress, exercise enough. This process is not for the weak or faint of heart, have a good support system. If its family or your significant other awesome. But a solid group of girlfriends wouldn’t hurt either *something really I need to work on*, and if there is a peer-to-peer support group offered at your clinic, give it a shot.

Today was good news. I think I need to take some time to breathe, and then actually put in practice the awesome advice I just gave you.