The Red Thread


Monday morning I will have my CD3 monitoring appointment.

I’ve been good, I’ve listened to the visualizations and trying to focus about everything being new again. Shaking off the bad cycles and the past, and trying to have faith in my journey.

My diet hasn’t been as strict as it has been in the past months, it’s clear I need to go back to that. I feel better when I’m really eating clean. I haven’t had the best attitude lately. I’m working on trying to change that. Perhaps that too is cyclical.

I need to say thank you to everyone that’s been so supportive of me this last few weeks. I have appreciated it so much. So much more than I can articulate here. Thank you.

The Provera seems to have worked, in that it extended my cycle from 27 days to 31 days. Which was closer to what my cycle was before starting all this IVF stuff.With any luck on CD3, my ovaries will have follicles. I know it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe this month wont be a “Circus” so much as a normal, productive, non scary cycle.

I’ve talked a lot about my failings, my frustration and my fears. I’ve said before I want to let it blow off into the ether. I want calm, serenity. To accept whatever happens and stop fighting myself and therefore everyone else. A clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate.

My friend Carlton and I had a long discussion about the “Cross Winds” post. His conclusion was that while I have mastered the poker face, what I haven’t figured out yet is how to unburden myself. But he gave me a lot to think about, and for that I am grateful. So thank you Carlton, you truly are an incredibly kind and understanding person. Its amazing through this journey who steps up to be a real friend. It was so unexpected. Again Thank you.

If you look at the profile picture on this blog, you see me, at the end of February, the day I found out that my first transfer failed. Poker face indeed.

Which brings me to a proverb I’ve been reading about a lot lately. “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” – Chinese Proverb

You can read more about it here: The Red String of Fate

A lot of the references to it are in regards to the destiny of your partner, or soul mate, but I’ve read about it referring to children and pregnancy as well.

Faith is a word I’ve struggled with for a long time, I used to joke that “Faith was a gift I wasn’t blessed enough to have been given” I’ve always related it to organized religion, but what I think I am starting to see is that faith is a gift you give yourself.

I dedicate this post to my husband David and to everyone, who like me at times, have a crisis of faith. Try to have faith in your journey. Have faith in yourself.

The red thread of fate never breaks.

Welcome to the Circus!

Circus’ are scary, and kind of fun. You eat things you’d never eat on a regular day, feel a little pukey..and there are tons of animals right? Total bonus.

I know, no one really goes to the circus anymore because of cruelty to animals, faulty rides, tents and the weird smells. I’ve been doing the IVF thing for a while now with no success, and the only way I can cope is to point out the unbelievable roller coaster of emotions and utter absurdity of it all.

There are parts of it, that are very tender and caring, that involve a lot of feelings I wasn’t sure I was ever capable of. I’ve read a lot of blogs that are really serious about the process of making a baby and becoming and staying pregnant. Pages and pages of disappointment, desperation and despair. Of feeling unworthy, forgotten by God (or whatever you do or don’t believe in) Women beating themselves up because they are unable to do what so many do so easily.

I have those feelings too, days of self-doubt, “am I too old?” “Why me?” Days where I’ve driven myself round the bend with the “what ifs” and the “what happens when?” Days when I have so many regrets I can barely breathe.

Then the days where I can not believe that this is whats become of my life. The days where I look at where I’ve been and wonder how it is I have made it through this far, without pointing and laughing at the sheer indignity of this process. You see, I am the circus animal in this scenario.

There are so many things people don’t tell you about IVF. So many things you have to learn. A whole new set of acronyms. A new kind of diet, weird things that people say work, that defy logic or good taste, and by “good taste” I mean that taste good. You find yourself eating stuff that 3 months earlier would never have passed your lips. Wheat grass anyone? It’s awesome, it tastes just like lawn clippings. Chinese herbs? No? They taste like licorice and dirt. How about some pineapple core? Not the delicious part of the pineapple. Just the core.

Then there is the lack of pants. Which probably deserves its own post. Oh, and don’t forget to say goodbye to your sanity and dignity. Between the hormones, injections, and results, it will at times leave you. Completely.

Join me will you? Like the gypsy from an old Bruce Springsteen song, I can promise a bumpy ride with no clear outcome.