101

My last post was post number 100. I didn’t even notice.

I went to the RE today for CD7 monitoring, I have 1 follicle still on the left ovary that is 12.1. FSH is lower, *weird* E2 is about where it’s supposed to be.  It’s grown exactly 6mm in less than 5 days with a natural cycle. Which as of this morning is no longer natural. I’m on a new protocol this month, where instead of Clomid, I’ve been prescribed Tamoxifen. Which I am only familiar with as a cancer drug. Because my mother took it for 10 years, before being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. That scared me a little, however it seems my RE has discovered that it acts (stimulates) similarly to Clomid but doesn’t thin your Endometrium or cause your LH to surge unnaturally. I monitor again on day 12 (Tuesday) to see whats happening. I imagine, since I’ve done this 10 or 11 times before, that I will trigger, and get a retrieval at some point next week if all goes well with the new meds. In 10, 11, oh who the hell knows, how many retrievals, I’ve never had a dominate follicle come from my left side. Ever. I’ve gotten a follicle or 2 from it before but they always wind up being the immature ones.

My left ovary is all wallflower-ish and under achieving. Like me in High School. Kinda. It’s the one that’s most easily visible and isn’t in a weird place like my right one, but it’s generally kind of lazy. Who else has 1 lazy ovary? How do you get it to be less lazy? Tell it, “You’re grounded until you produce a follicle?” Seriously, is there anything anyone can do to wake the lazy one up? Throw ice water on it? Poke it? What causes one to be lazy? Is there a difference in the egg quality?

Its been a busy week. Remember how I took Chinese III (Mandarin) a few months ago? We this semester I decided since I’m at home alone a lot at night, to take Honors Economics and Honors Political Science and Chinese IV, for fun. Note to self: Stop making decisions while hopped up on fertility meds or in the middle of a depression after a failed FET. Most people would avoid making decisions during times like that. Not me. Bring on some school, and some homework, and some new pencils, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR this is expensive! Yes. I am an idiot.

My new “plan” is actually going pretty well so far. I’m avoiding the people and the “friends” and the situations that don’t add something positive to my life or my day-to-day. Instead, I’m trying to focus on friendships and classes and activities like Yoga, that make me feel better about myself. I’m also trying to avoid added stress and while the classes “might* have been counter intuitive, I have to admit it does feel good to have my brain engaged in something intellectual. Add a little more exercise and I should have a good recipe for how to better manage the outside stressors in my life.

Since I had to get a scrip filled from the Dr, I stopped at Costco this morning after my appointment. Where I got the scrip filled and decided to bring home some flowers for no other reason than because I felt like it. Usually there has to be an occasion. But not today. Today I just want to be surrounded by pretty, happy, peace and serenity, and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Right?

Procrastinating

I haven’t posted much this week. I’ve been waiting for shark week to begin. I finished the Provera and Estrace early this week and while I have lots of cramps and back pain, no period. So I’m waiting. I never thought Id be one of those people who actually wanted their period to start, because mine are painful, with a lot of um, yucky symptoms and discomfort.

Normally in July we go on vacation, but because of a screw up in schedule (by his ex-wife) we’re technically not supposed to go on vacation until August. I’ve booked the hotel, but not the flights. Because I don’t know what this cycle is going to look like or where I will be within it, I am afraid to commit. For once in my life I am the procrastinator. If I am completely honest I don’t feel like I can go on vacation this year but after what will be 9 cycles of this my husband DESERVES a vacation. Between the pressures from his work and everything we have been through we both need some time to get away and have a change of scenery.

I’m not sure I can do that though. I told him when it looked like my last retrieval would become a blast that if it did I would take August off and we could go and do whatever he wanted. It didn’t. So I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt since then. Struggling with feelings of trying to be the balance between the IVF crazy and my husband and family. Of what I want, and what he deserves. I still have no clear answer and the longer this period takes to come the less likely it will be that I go on vacation with him and his daughter.

Whats worse is his daughter knows nothing about any of this because if it fails why bother telling her?

It would be the first time we didn’t spend this time together and we are both uncomfortable with it. He says well then we just wont go, but I tell him he should plan on going without me and if it works out I can make it then ok. His face shows his disappointment and while he doesn’t say much about it, I know how disappointed he is. I know he feels like he’s taken a backseat for the last 9 months. I don’t really know what to do. Normally I can make decisions about this sort of thing really easily but I’ve been told by my RE that if I take a break “there may not be follicles when you come back”.

That’s such a definitive and scary statement. There it is. The truth. I’m scared to stop.

Logically I know missing a month shouldn’t be that big a deal. I mean in theory no meds mean my ovaries would get a rest and maybe things would look better in September. I don’t know. The what ifs and the what might happen make me so anxious that it becomes very hard for me to make a good decision.

There is no fortune-teller at my Circus to tell me that it will be ok no matter what I choose but I really wish there was.

Mother of all that is holy. I am a person of science, I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence. I don’t believe in fortune-telling. I believe we make out own luck and we make our own choices.

But here I am still frozen.

If it comes this weekend I can monitor on Monday and maybe still make the vacation window. If it waits longer than that then I’m going to have to find a compromise with my husband because he doesn’t ask for much and I have a really hard time saying no to him.
In my last post I promised a picture. Here’s today’s. It’s a pie chart with my blogging/work/life process. Enjoy.

Retrieval #5

I’m still at the IVF center, having just finished the retrieval.

My husband is currently in one of the “Man Rooms” providing his sample. **snickers** (because I’m 9)

They prepped me, took me into the surgery, did an abdominal retrieval. Everything was fine until he said that they got it, but there was no egg. I got dressed, went to the waiting room saw my husband, started to cry. A few minutes later, the Dr. came out and said “We found the egg”. I am grateful they got it, I hope it fertilizes and if possible will be grown to blast.

I got another goldfish!

Now we wait.

Almost a Kardashians Head

Cycle day 8 monitoring appointment today.

The right ovary was visible and showed one follicle less than 5mm. The left was quiet. In the IVF world when someone says your ovary is quiet, it’s the polite way of saying that there are no visible follicles.

Blood work today showed FSH has gone up to 30, E2 is normal. I think. They didn’t talk to me about my e2. When your FSH goes high it usually indicates bad things for whatever follicles you have growing. A high FSH may keep them from maturing. Dr Y almost put me on a drug to suppress FSH but then decided since I am borderline with the FSH, to continue clomid and to monitor again on day 11 and to decide then. So I will do it all again on Saturday.

I will go to the acupuncturist tomorrow to see if he can help get the construction crew to show up to work and get their job done.

Not bad news exactly, but not good news either, though one is better than none. My ovaries are almost as vacant as a Kardashians  head.

Almost.

Things Worth Saving

I wish I could say that I have a good relationship with my family. The truth is I just don’t. I can’t have a civilized conversation with my mother for more than 5 minutes, neither of my sisters speak to me, so that leaves 2 brothers. One who talks to me occasionally and the other who doesn’t. My father passed away suddenly 11 years ago.

For years I wished things were different. While I seemed to grasp that logically, emotionally there was still a sad little girl who wishes we aren’t so fractured as a family. My husband has learned that some holidays I tolerate better than others and that  some are altogether un-salvageable. Which 1. Made me think I married a pretty awesome guy and 2. Made me wonder how much my sadness has affected the family I have now. It’s a sobering thought. It made me uncomfortable, because my sadness is my responsibility. If I’ve focused on my sadness, then I’ve not been giving my best to the family I’ve created.

I’ve heard that I need to “live in the moment” or “walk out of your upbringing” and lots of other colloquialisms that seemed trite and never really resonated with me. I mean seriously where is the instruction manual?!

I was in my 30’s before I started cooking regularly, because I thought that cooking for 1 was a waste of my time and cooking for 2 was also a waste of my time.  I outsourced my housework, laundry, dry cleaning, and sometimes cooking, because my time was worth so much more than those menial tasks.

A few months ago, by accident, I realized that I save things “for a special occasion”.  Saved them for a time that’s more important than now, where I will be prettier, thinner, happier, more satisfied. Endless tomorrows that never seem to come.

What I suddenly grasped was that life is ordinary. It’s made up of lots of menial tasks, a million ordinary moments, and a few extraordinary ones. There are no special tomorrows. Yes there will be special times, but I think that the point is to see the beauty in the menial tasks and ordinary moments.

Maybe it’s time to wear that outfit I’ve saved, or to use the crystal or china that’s been sitting in the cupboard for years gathering dust. Maybe it’s time to stop looking at the past, and letting it overwhelm me. Time to realize and accept that I’m never  NOT going to be sad about it. Being sad is a normal reaction to terrible events. It’s time to make peace with it, to realize it’s never going to go away, and for lack of a better term, acknowledge that it walks along with me whether I like it or not. Acceptance.

I don’t like cleaning but I love a clean house. I HATE folding laundry, but I love the smell and feel of fresh sheets, towels and clothes. I’ve learned to enjoy cooking because I like to know what I’m feeding my family. These menial tasks, they have become a huge part of my life.

Ideally you get two chances at parenthood. You get the ones who gave birth to you, and the ones you become in whatever form that takes. My past is sad, but I’m aware that I need to put it aside, stop saving things for a “special occasion”, give my fullest attention to my family, and both work toward and allow myself to hope for a better now.