La Bamba

My body is sensitive to the medications given for IVF. I become a crazy person on Clomid. I cry easily and often on Estrace and Provera, I can feel follicles growing on Menopur. All of them make my lower back hurt. I don’t know why, but I’ve learned to deal with it.

A full 9 days into the progesterone, the Estrace, and the progesterone in oil shots, my lower back is aching. It’s 3dp6dt and I feel good, as in I’m happy to be thinking I could am pregnant until proven otherwise. Other than a bloated rumbly feeling in my stomach, I’m doing fine. Except it feels like my transfer was eons ago already. How can it only be 3 days?

Maybe its midterms, or that I’ve been busy with lots of other things. My stepdaughter took her SAT’s today. She’s been taking PSAT classes since the summer she finished the 7th grade and she’s now a Junior and 16 years old. I didn’t think it was a good idea either, but her mother is one of those Tiger Mom women, where nothing she does is ever good enough. Don’t get me started. So Stepdaughter is upstairs sleeping it off.

I haven’t been sleeping that well, my mind is restless and uneasy.Which I’m a little worried about. I wanted to meditate today but some our neighbors across the street are having a Mariachi band on their front lawn this evening, as well as a party. Ugh. Not. A. Fan. I have half a mind to blast Leonard Cohen and just base boom them out, but our neighbors to the left of us already hate me so I don’t need to make anymore enemies.

My husband keeps talking to my little goldfish before we go to sleep “You are wanted little Jinyu, and you have been extremely expensive, in fact I could have had a brand new expensive car, so swim, and grow and become a little person.” Which I find to be weird, and sort of charming. I do have to admit, I laugh when he’s said it.

OMG they are starting to sing La Bamba, which is intolerable. I might start blasting to Foo Fighters. The last thing I need is La Bamba as an earworm. If I have just given it to you as one? Well then my work here is done.

You’re Welcome.


Fathers Day 2012

Husband is sleeping in this morning. If you consider sleeping past 6:30 sleeping in. I went to bed before he did so I’m up and chipper and ready to go and he’s still got that face on him that says “what the HELL is WRONG with you? So I’m letting him rest.

Were going looking for an antique Japanese lantern thingy today. For the yard. It’s what he wants for Fathers Day. Since the unfortunate sunburn incident from Mothers Day, this requires me to be hosed down with 70 sunscreen, like I’m 4 (with roughly the same amount of whining), and me wearing a hat. If it were up to him, Id also be wearing on of those Chinese lady visor/welders masks, and carrying an umbrella. Even though I am the crazy one, OBVIOUSLY,  I have to draw the line somewhere.

He’s just lucky my hat isn’t one of those Hatfield & McCoy hats, because that was a HAT. Kevin Costner couldn’t make it work, there’s no way I can.

Its been an uneventful week.

By uneventful, I mean stepdaughter finished the 10th grade, and left for Hong Kong for the next 10 days. It’s the first time we wont have her on Fathers Day and Husband is sad. In the next few days she will also turn 16, and we will miss that as well. Don’t ask, it’s not supposed to be like this but her mother can be really unreasonable sometimes and somehow we got Shanghaied into it.

I also mean I made a new friend, in person, for the first time in as long as I can remember. Shes fanfreakingtastic! HUGE SHOUTOUT!

I dropped a bottle of nail polish in the bathtub which was not very good as my bathtub is white, and my nail polish is red and now even though I’ve cleaned it up, as much as I can, it still, slightly resembles a crime scene.

I finished the Provera and Shark Week should be here any minute. I was hoping maybe Friday but as usual my ovaries are doing whatever they want. Like the anarchists they are, obscene gestures and all, it is still not here.

I know I have a penchant for waxing mushy about my husband but he’s such a great Dad. He helps his daughter with school projects, he loves her to pieces, is encouraging, is patient and kind and funny with her. They look exactly alike and she’s an incredible kid.

I’m not jealous, but I want that. I want him to be a Dad again, and I want the opportunity to do it with him. He sets the bar pretty high but honestly, because of him, because of all these years of learning from him, I think it would make me a better mother.

Happy Fathers Day to all of you, if you are a Dad, have a Dad, or someday hope to be a Dad, Happy Fathers Day! I hope it’s a beautiful one.


I’m not going to talk about Mothers Day tomorrow. Ok I am, but just a little.

My own mother is very sick, and has never liked me much to begin with, so on our best days the relationship is strained. Yes I know I need to come to terms with it before she passes, but it takes 2 to solve a problem and if she was even willing to meet me 10% of the way, I’d have no problem covering the other 90. You can’t make someone love you, or want to solve problems. I think the best you can do is just try to come to terms with it’s the best she can do.

I am a stepmother. Which means, in the “mommy” community, I’m no ones mom. I have to be honest, the mommy community is pretty judgy and mean-spirited a lot of times. Like mean girls with toddlers. If I ever have a child of my own and act like that, I fully expect someone to slap me in the face and call me out on being an assclown.

In my family it means I will step aside so that my stepdaughter bio mom wont be threatened. Which leaves me feeling excluded. Its only one day so, I will put on my big girl pants, and live with it. I’m a little squishy to be honest.

Tonight I will take the last pill of the Provera I was given after last cycle. 5 or 6 days from now shark week will come, and I will start the circus again.

In the meantime, I said I was going to try some new things so I have. I’ve started a new Chinese class, I’ve tried some yoga classes and found a DVD that might be helpful, and I went to a Buddhist ceremony last night called “The Great Compassion Repentance Ceremony”.  It was long. Twice as long as a Catholic High Mass. Those Buddhists really make you earn your repentance. With all the kneeling and prostrating my thighs feel like I’ve been through a long work out.

I also finished painting the ceiling in the room that I use for reading and meditation. The room for the baby that doesn’t exist yet. I went back to acupuncture twice a week, and have made bracelets out of semi precious stones. I will show pictures when I have a few that are completed.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy. Of trying not to obsess, but I’ve still had moments where I’ve been overwhelmed and my eyes fill up with tears and I can’t help it, I’ve cried. But I have another week to clear my head, shake off the last few bad cycles, go to acupuncture, and yoga and try to find some kind of zen in it all.

I’m also going to ask the Dr for a different protocol this time, the one he’s been using hasn’t produced very good results, and with my cycles being so scary, I’ve been afraid to ask for something different.

My intention has been a clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate. I’ve worked hard at making my intention. So for now, I wont think about the future, or what “surprise” the next cycle has in store for me. I will love my family, try to live in the moment, and keep my hands and mind busy with things that are constructive.