Carnival Food

Day  8 Monitoring is tomorrow and I am anxious.

Anxious that if my right ovary does make a rare appearance that there will not be any follicles in it, that it will be empty, like a Kardashian’s head. Anxious that I will never have another normal cycle, or one that doesn’t scare the living hell out of me.

Because I am a control freak, I’ve controlled the heck out of my food intake today. Swallowed a handful of supplements, drank about 20oz of wheat grass juice and about 50oz of water, ate 2 pears, a salad, and some home-made split pea soup. I’ve had roughly 900 calories today, which probably isn’t enough. So I will have a little more soup later. I also went to acupuncture, where I was pinned, and then “adjusted”. Now physically, I’m tired, anxious, have a mask on my face, because as I said, its important while someone is looking at your girly parts that your skin is spectacular. I seriously have no idea why this matters to me.

Ive been on 50mg of clomid since day 3, and every once in a while I feel this weird kind of pulse/tapping in the area I imagine my ovaries are located. It only last for 10 or 15 seconds, happens on one side at a time and then disappears. Which I’m hoping means that the Walmart happy face  construction crew is back and that something worthwhile is under construction. But like a regular construction crew I imagine they take a lot of breaks, so this tapping weirdness isn’t constant. It only happens a couple of times a day. And no, I don’t mean an actual Walmart. I hate that place, its like the 9th circle of hell. Its worse than Costco.

I mean follicles. It’s so strange to think of primordial follicles that on day 2 or 3 are not visible via ultrasound can suddenly come into existence in just a few days, and grow between 1 and 2mm a day. I kind of like saying primordial, it’s not a word I normally use but look at me! I used it twice here and once in a sentence today. Broken ovaries and I’m still improving my vocabulary. A silver lining if I ever saw one.

If tomorrow is good news, then I guess I need to accept the last 2 cycles as my new normal and try to just stop worrying.

I will face whatever happens, but really, I’m anxious.