Secret

How many of you are on Facebook? How many of you need more than the blogging community to vent, discuss, complain, cry, and have people who completely understand what you are going through to talk to, even if they are virtual strangers?

I have started an IVF Peer Support group on Facebook. It’s a “secret” group meaning no one but the people in the group ever see the posts, and it doesn’t show up in anyone’s feed unless they also belong to the group. I can guarantee your privacy.
Anyone who is dealing with infertility is welcome. From whatever stage you are in, you don’t have to be doing IVF, from first diagnosis, to starting Clomid or whatever, doing IUI‘s, IVF, anyone with autoimmune issues, anyone facing issues with fertility, including those of you that are now pregnant.

There is an embryologist in the group, and a nurse, so there are times that you can get your questions answered straight away. I will invite the RE from my clinic from time to time, to answer questions if there is anything that is really urgent and pressing.

The purpose is to get advice, share experiences and stories, give and get support, make friends, and have someone rooting for you, no matter what.

I’d like to open it to this community. If you’d like to join please contact me at jlko@att.net. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have. If you are uncomfortable with it, I understand, but I hope you will at least consider it. Lastly I do not work for nor am I compensated by my clinic, I started the group because as its well documented here, I just don’t have enough support at home.

The group is small now only about 8 people, but I’m hoping it will grow. I just wanted to offer, because crappy as my day has been, I’m determined to find a silver lining. And this might be it.

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Silver Lining

CD5, Retrieval 6.

I was up early, showered, took my vitamins, drank my wheat-grass, and focused on trying not to vomit. I do not know how those uber healthy people do it. In small doses I can see it but 16oz of it at a time? Why cant it taste like cupcakes? Or Dim Sum? Or Taiwanese dumplings? I’m just asking.

I listened to the meditation CD, which was nice, until my husband woke up, came downstairs to the living room, where I was reclining in a chair with my eyes closed and my headphones on, poked me in the boob and said, “What are you doing?”

Seriously? Who raised you?

It went fine. They did a vaginal retrieval on the left side, and aspirated a cyst. They did an abdominal retrieval on the right side and aspirated another cyst. The third follicle was aspirated, and contained an egg. We talked to my RE, I was prescribed another 10 days of Provera starting on Friday, because there seems to be a synchronization issue between my follicular stage and my menstrual cycle. Ok. Since I’ve suspected this for a while (like almost 2 months), I am happy to know that he’s doing his best to get me back on the right track.

I hadn’t even arrived home when the lab called me to tell me that the egg was degenerated and therefore unusable. So today I am 0-3

Maybe it’s because I just had a meltdown, or maybe it’s because I’m actually learning something from this journey, but I’m ok with the outcome. I can’t change it. Sure I’d have loved to have had an egg or 3, but it is what it is. I’m doing my best and at some point that has to be good enough, doesn’t it?

Because of the Provera, this next cycle will be short, and maybe since last cycle felt so forced, and this cycle was just a freak show, maybe all the bad eggs are gone, and I’m due for some good luck. In the meantime, I’m going back to acupuncture twice a week, rather than sporadically, I’m going to find a yoga class, I’m locking my diet back down, I’m going to shake this cycle off, and just move on to the next and try to be positive.

I said to my RE today “going through this month after month piles up after a while, that one of the key things in trying to deal with the stress of it is trying to think of each new cycle as a new beginning.” He agreed.

I have done an exceptionally poor job at that in the past. Maybe I’m actually starting to grasp this “letting go” stuff after all. And maybe this is the silver lining.

I’m choosing to have faith in my journey.