I’m not going to talk about Mothers Day tomorrow. Ok I am, but just a little.

My own mother is very sick, and has never liked me much to begin with, so on our best days the relationship is strained. Yes I know I need to come to terms with it before she passes, but it takes 2 to solve a problem and if she was even willing to meet me 10% of the way, I’d have no problem covering the other 90. You can’t make someone love you, or want to solve problems. I think the best you can do is just try to come to terms with it’s the best she can do.

I am a stepmother. Which means, in the “mommy” community, I’m no ones mom. I have to be honest, the mommy community is pretty judgy and mean-spirited a lot of times. Like mean girls with toddlers. If I ever have a child of my own and act like that, I fully expect someone to slap me in the face and call me out on being an assclown.

In my family it means I will step aside so that my stepdaughter bio mom wont be threatened. Which leaves me feeling excluded. Its only one day so, I will put on my big girl pants, and live with it. I’m a little squishy to be honest.

Tonight I will take the last pill of the Provera I was given after last cycle. 5 or 6 days from now shark week will come, and I will start the circus again.

In the meantime, I said I was going to try some new things so I have. I’ve started a new Chinese class, I’ve tried some yoga classes and found a DVD that might be helpful, and I went to a Buddhist ceremony last night called “The Great Compassion Repentance Ceremony”.  It was long. Twice as long as a Catholic High Mass. Those Buddhists really make you earn your repentance. With all the kneeling and prostrating my thighs feel like I’ve been through a long work out.

I also finished painting the ceiling in the room that I use for reading and meditation. The room for the baby that doesn’t exist yet. I went back to acupuncture twice a week, and have made bracelets out of semi precious stones. I will show pictures when I have a few that are completed.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy. Of trying not to obsess, but I’ve still had moments where I’ve been overwhelmed and my eyes fill up with tears and I can’t help it, I’ve cried. But I have another week to clear my head, shake off the last few bad cycles, go to acupuncture, and yoga and try to find some kind of zen in it all.

I’m also going to ask the Dr for a different protocol this time, the one he’s been using hasn’t produced very good results, and with my cycles being so scary, I’ve been afraid to ask for something different.

My intention has been a clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate. I’ve worked hard at making my intention. So for now, I wont think about the future, or what “surprise” the next cycle has in store for me. I will love my family, try to live in the moment, and keep my hands and mind busy with things that are constructive.


Mandarin, Yoga & Acupuncture OH MY!

I’ve been taking Mandarin at the local Chinese school. In fact, last nights class was the first class of this quarter or whatever it is the kids call it now.

I’ve taken Mandarin classes before, in fact I took one at the local college but got really discouraged because it was a class of you know, college kids, who were all Chinese who were taking the class for an easy A and spent all their time trying to cheat off my paper. That’s right, I said it. Cheat off the white girls paper. The only non-Chinese in the class and they want to copy off me? I’m sorry, but am I the only one that sees the irony here? I’m still the only white person in the class, and the teacher seems to like seeing me squirm so she called on me a lot last night.

I’m still looking for a good yoga class. If anyone has any suggestions on what type or method of yoga would be good, I’d appreciate the feedback!

I went to acupuncture today, got pinned, adjusted and by adjusted I mean cracked, had some kind of electrodes hooked up to my left bun and right leg that is supposed to help relax the spasms. And a lecture about not eating enough. Thank god for him though, I’d look like the hunchback of Orange County without him.

Something happens to me after acupuncture, everything feels all loose and fuzzy, my eyes get heavy and I wind up with an overwhelming desire to take a nap. Only I don’t sleep well during the daytime. The problem isn’t falling asleep, it’s that I wake up with my cheek covered in drool, not sure where I am or what my name is. Then I can never sleep at night. Sometimes I cry during the sessions, for reasons not always clear to me. Which also leaves me feeling a little vulnerable and raw after.

My cycle is now so messed up from the freak show of last cycle, and the Provera I have no idea what cycle day I am on, or what I should be listening to for the Circle and Bloom Meditations. I have 5 more days of Provera, probably another 5 or 6 days before shark week starts again, and who knows if after such a short cycle there will be follicles. Just one, normal, not scary cycle where I have a few follicles that become eggs in the proper timeline is it really so much to ask for?  The crazy of the last few months has been wearing on me. Other than giving my ovaries a stern talking to, I’m not really sure what else I can do. Plus since when did they ever listen to me any way.

My mother was in the hospital last week, diagnosed with congestive heart failure. It’s what my father passed away from so I know that while she may not pass tomorrow or the next day, the clock is ticking and its time to resolve whatever issues I/we have with each other. There are also some spots on her liver and kidneys that the Dr.’s say she requires chemo for but she has refused treatment. We are planning a trip to see her in the next few weeks.

A lot changes in a week. I know I need to refocus, and deal with one thing at a time, but right now I’m not even sure where to begin. Except I promised Dr Paul, I’d begin with dinner. So I will start there. I am nothing if not a person of my word.

The Red Thread


Monday morning I will have my CD3 monitoring appointment.

I’ve been good, I’ve listened to the visualizations and trying to focus about everything being new again. Shaking off the bad cycles and the past, and trying to have faith in my journey.

My diet hasn’t been as strict as it has been in the past months, it’s clear I need to go back to that. I feel better when I’m really eating clean. I haven’t had the best attitude lately. I’m working on trying to change that. Perhaps that too is cyclical.

I need to say thank you to everyone that’s been so supportive of me this last few weeks. I have appreciated it so much. So much more than I can articulate here. Thank you.

The Provera seems to have worked, in that it extended my cycle from 27 days to 31 days. Which was closer to what my cycle was before starting all this IVF stuff.With any luck on CD3, my ovaries will have follicles. I know it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe this month wont be a “Circus” so much as a normal, productive, non scary cycle.

I’ve talked a lot about my failings, my frustration and my fears. I’ve said before I want to let it blow off into the ether. I want calm, serenity. To accept whatever happens and stop fighting myself and therefore everyone else. A clean mind, a clean body, a clean slate.

My friend Carlton and I had a long discussion about the “Cross Winds” post. His conclusion was that while I have mastered the poker face, what I haven’t figured out yet is how to unburden myself. But he gave me a lot to think about, and for that I am grateful. So thank you Carlton, you truly are an incredibly kind and understanding person. Its amazing through this journey who steps up to be a real friend. It was so unexpected. Again Thank you.

If you look at the profile picture on this blog, you see me, at the end of February, the day I found out that my first transfer failed. Poker face indeed.

Which brings me to a proverb I’ve been reading about a lot lately. “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” – Chinese Proverb

You can read more about it here: The Red String of Fate

A lot of the references to it are in regards to the destiny of your partner, or soul mate, but I’ve read about it referring to children and pregnancy as well.

Faith is a word I’ve struggled with for a long time, I used to joke that “Faith was a gift I wasn’t blessed enough to have been given” I’ve always related it to organized religion, but what I think I am starting to see is that faith is a gift you give yourself.

I dedicate this post to my husband David and to everyone, who like me at times, have a crisis of faith. Try to have faith in your journey. Have faith in yourself.

The red thread of fate never breaks.

Party’s Over

Ok. I’ve taken some deep breaths. Ive hidden, felt sorry for myself, cried, whined (in my head, no use saying any of this trash out loud), not talked to anyone and now its official. I’M SICK OF MYSELF.

I did speak to my acupuncturist yesterday. His question to me was wary, “Exactly how much longer is this “hiding” going to go on?” It was just a phone call but I could literally see the raised eyebrow through the phone. OK ALREADY, I GOT IT. I’M HAVING A PITY PARTY SUE ME.

But now I have had enough thank you very much. I can’t stand it anymore. Sometimes life kicks you in the ovaries. And yeah, it hurts. No one ever said any of this was fair. So. I’m going to make an appointment with him, hope he doesn’t actually roll his eyes at me, though I couldn’t blame him if he did. I’m going to finish the last 3 tablets of Provera my RE gave me. Not all at once, over the next 3 days. I’m going to kiss that medication goodbye, give it the finger, I’m going to wait for shark week and start the circus all over again.

I’m going to go out on a limb and HOPE for a normal cycle where on day 2 or 3 there are actually follicles in either of my ovaries, and then I’m going to try to connect my head and my body with some visualizations. (which could very well be some kind of new age voodoo for all I know) I’m going to continue doing my best, and somehow, someday I will learn that it’s enough.

I’m going to keep trying, which means I’m also going to keep falling down, making mistakes and because I’m a perfectionist, I will have to learn to stop punishing myself for it. Way easier said than done. This is by far, the most humbling experience of my life. I’m normally an overachiever, and to be betrayed by my body is incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes I think this is a war of attrition. Who will get tired first, me or the bitch that is infertility?

The bitch may win in the end, but I’m not done trying.