Acupuncture & Chiropractors

Less than 24 hours after my last post, shark week has arrived, cramps and backaches and all the crap that comes with having your period, except its only been 16 days since my last one started M*th&rF*C$R. In case there was any wonder what so ever about what I was swearing exactly.

Acupuncture and Chiropractic went well, if anyone was concerned. My acupuncturist is also a chiropractor, something he asked me to share so people didn’t think he was some sort of quack. He’s also a graduate from Brandeis University, his brother graduated from MIT, (they are in practice together) and they both traded all that in for a degree in Chinese Medicine and Chiropractic Medicine. Yeah, I keep asking what happened too.(not really they are both incredible)

To be fair they are both pretty amazing. Dr. P, who is my normal Dr. is very touchy and caring and gets whatever is bothering you out even if you don’t particularly want to talk about it. Dr. B is much more pokey. As in, “My god the last time I poked your stomach it was so much fatter”. and “how come when I poke your stomach there is no food in there? But don’t eat anything that is dairy, carb related, not organic or processed in any way”.

Once, a few months ago I made fun of a patient who Dr B was treating who was a moaner. I asked him who he was having sex with in the room while I was trying to get my zen on on in the acupuncture room. Dr P was offended, but I was only kidding. Now because I have this weird butt cheek calf pan issue, I’m sure I’m being punished for making fun, so they are both laughing at me. Whatever. If I deserve it, so be it.

Dr P keeps asking me to do this “hug” thing which means me letting go of the table and letting him have control of my entire body. Usually there is one flailing arm holding on to the other side of the table. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I’m afraid I’m too fat for him to making these contortions for. Which leads to nervous laughter and more holding the table. He thinks I’m kidding when I say this but I’m not. I’m seriously afraid for his safety. I promise Dr P, I will never sue you. As long as you never sue me. He’s used to treating little tiny Asian patients. I’m a really tall Irish girl with cankles and an ass like the broad side of a barn. Seriously, the humiliation never quits when you are trying to get pregnant.

Lets see, 16 days after the last freak show, only 2 days off Provera and I have the curse. I’m not sure I can clearly discuss how god awful it is to wait for 2 weeks for something to happen after your period, and then to find out nothing is happening. For it to be shortened by 2 weeks and to find out nothing is happening is so scary I don’t even know where to begin.

My appointment is not tomorrow it’s Wednesday. So I guess we will see then. “There will be follicles in there, there will be follicles in there”

It’s the same thing I tell myself when I can’t find a parking space at the mall. “I will have good parking karma, I will have good parking karma”

If anyone else is cycling where I am, please consider my Acupuncturist/Chiropractors. They are talented, amazing, kind, and by far the most educated, good-hearted people I’ve met in this field. Plus between “pokey” and touchy feelie” you’re pretty much all set.


Cross Wind

A long with picking myself up and dusting myself off, I’m going to try some new things. First here’s my update.

I went to acupuncture yesterday, and today I am sore from the adjustments. All the needles were really tender, everywhere and still are today. Dr. P said some of my stagnation has returned. Probably from me being inconsistent with the acupuncture lately, and the fact that I ate bread and refined sugar for the first time in 4 or 5 months last week.

Eating bread after none for 4 months was like pouring flour and water in my stomach. It made my stomach hurt and feel really bloated. I also had my favorite candy, Skittles. Which after 4 months with none, taste very similar to how Pledge smells. Which is a pretty good smell I guess, but taste, not so much.

As a followup to my embryo status, I called today, on day 9, to find out what happened since I was supposed to hear from the clinic on day 7. I was told it was discarded on day 7 due to fragmentation but no one ever called me to let me know. Part of me is angry, because at the very least my clinic should be delivering the news. Good or bad.

I’m coming to realize that being angry at the clinic is really me angry at myself. Angry that my body has betrayed me and angry that I feel like I’ve failed. Again.

I’ve covered how much of a perfectionist I am. I’ve covered how I’m a bit OCD about, well everything. My acupuncturist says “I carry a lot of burdens” I asked him where do I let them go? Where do I put them? He said ” See? You’re looking for somewhere to put them down, you need to stop that and just be.” Which puzzles me because I’m not sure what that means. When someone says “just let it go” I never have any idea what the heck that’s supposed to mean. Go where? And how? Instructions? Anyone?

People have told me that I need to “let it go” my whole life. I get the idea. Kind of. I mean, I want to, I just don’t know how. And its one of those trite expressions that has always irritated me more than it resonated with any kind of real meaning.

After my meltdown earlier this week, Louisa, recommend and article on “self compassion” which I read, and loved, but I’m not sure how to get there. It’s another one of those things that doesn’t really make sense with me. I’m not sure what the difference is between self compassion and self-pity, so again I ask for an instruction manual. Something in English please. Don’t give me those Danish IKEA instructions  because unless there are pictures, I can’t read or comprehend it.

Which brings me to the new things I’m going to try. I’m going to try some visualization techniques. I got a visualization CD specifically for IVF, from Circle and Bloom. They have a host of other programs for fertility, and while I can’t tell you if it works or not, especially since I have only had it for 2 days, I can tell you, its relaxing, and for me now, that’s enough. There is also 35% discount for National Infertility Awareness Week, April 22, through 28th so have a look! They also have a blog, which you can find here:

In an email conversation with Joanne, the founder of Circle and Bloom, she said, “Can I make one suggestion while you listen to the programs?  Try to really let go of the past problems you have encountered.  Think of your body as a clean slate for this cycle and procedure. Put yourself completely into the visualizations and let go. And I do not mean fake positive psychology, I mean honoring your body and knowing that pregnancy is possible.”

Which started to click things into place. I’m not sure I’ve got it completely, but even I recognize that there is a theme here. If I’m not mistaken it’s letting things go. There is no magical solution to everything that has happened in the past, the bad cycles, the mistakes I’ve made, the regrets.

In my mind’s eye, I see it as releasing all those pent-up feelings of anger, frustration hurt and fear into the ether. Imagine black molecules that pollute nothing but you, your body, your life and hinder your ability to have room for anything good or positive. They weigh you down, teach you to be cynical, and not to trust that anything good can happen. I can not begin to tell you how much, I do not want to be that person.

I see it in terms of air propulsion, velocity, gaining enough forward movement that the negative washes off you like a cross wind through a jet-wash. Oh fine. Just toss my overcomplicated analogy and say “water off a duck”.

No matter the outcome of this journey, that’s not who I want to be. So I’m going to try to do some visualizations, positive thinking, learning more about this “self compassion” business and work on forgiving myself. Because ultimately, I think it’s really me I’m mad at.

I want that clean slate so much.