Carnival Food

Day  8 Monitoring is tomorrow and I am anxious.

Anxious that if my right ovary does make a rare appearance that there will not be any follicles in it, that it will be empty, like a Kardashian’s head. Anxious that I will never have another normal cycle, or one that doesn’t scare the living hell out of me.

Because I am a control freak, I’ve controlled the heck out of my food intake today. Swallowed a handful of supplements, drank about 20oz of wheat grass juice and about 50oz of water, ate 2 pears, a salad, and some home-made split pea soup. I’ve had roughly 900 calories today, which probably isn’t enough. So I will have a little more soup later. I also went to acupuncture, where I was pinned, and then “adjusted”. Now physically, I’m tired, anxious, have a mask on my face, because as I said, its important while someone is looking at your girly parts that your skin is spectacular. I seriously have no idea why this matters to me.

Ive been on 50mg of clomid since day 3, and every once in a while I feel this weird kind of pulse/tapping in the area I imagine my ovaries are located. It only last for 10 or 15 seconds, happens on one side at a time and then disappears. Which I’m hoping means that the Walmart happy face  construction crew is back and that something worthwhile is under construction. But like a regular construction crew I imagine they take a lot of breaks, so this tapping weirdness isn’t constant. It only happens a couple of times a day. And no, I don’t mean an actual Walmart. I hate that place, its like the 9th circle of hell. Its worse than Costco.

I mean follicles. It’s so strange to think of primordial follicles that on day 2 or 3 are not visible via ultrasound can suddenly come into existence in just a few days, and grow between 1 and 2mm a day. I kind of like saying primordial, it’s not a word I normally use but look at me! I used it twice here and once in a sentence today. Broken ovaries and I’m still improving my vocabulary. A silver lining if I ever saw one.

If tomorrow is good news, then I guess I need to accept the last 2 cycles as my new normal and try to just stop worrying.

I will face whatever happens, but really, I’m anxious.

Vampires and Light Sabers

Monitoring Day 10. First blood work then ultrasound. Get it? Vampires and light sabers? Zzzzzzzgghhhttt zzzzzzgghhhttt. OK technically, that *might* not be how they work but its a funny mental image. To me. In case you haven’t noticed the inside of my head is a combination of song lyrics, images from popular culture, and random parts of books I’ve read. I think it’s about 70% song lyrics though.

The phlebotomists at the clinic I go to are actually really funny and nice all of them are wonderful, I’m not an easy person to poke because my veins are never visible, no matter how much water I drink. But they do a great job, plus they laugh at my lame jokes and generally are fun to be around. I mean “vampire” in the nicest way possible Like “Twilight” or better yet “True Blood” . I don’t mean they are like Vlad the Impaler because they aren’t.

After the blood work, I was waiting in the ultrasound room for the Dr to appear, for what seemed like forever but was about 15 minutes, with no pants on. The paper sheet over my business, knees together, because I am nothing if not a lady. Please note, time ticks very slowly when you are waiting sans pantalon.

The prodigals ovary was easily visible today, practically waving..”Why hello there! I have something to show you!” 2 follicles on the right side, 1 small one on the left side. The left has always been kind of an under achiever. It was visible too but more in a wallflower shrinking violet kind of way.

E2 was 321.3, FSH was 10.6, which is by far the highest my E2 has ever been at this point, and my FSH is by far the lowest it’s ever been on day 10. I don’t know if it means anything but I’m hanging an “under construction” sign on my ovaries, until Monday when the retrieval is scheduled. You know those Walmart happy faces with the hard hats on? Yeah. In my head that’s what it looks like. Little smiley faces with hard hats and hammers.

I am capable of giving really great advice, but then I get caught in the details and mired down in the minutia and don’t act on it. I’m going to try really hard to stop driving myself crazy with the “what ifs?” and the “what happens when?” and just try to take one little hurdle at a time.

Lupron shot tonight at 9:30, (Don’t forget to set your clocks back) ibuprofen tomorrow twice to suppress early ovulation, at 5 and 11pm.

I’m not really sure who is reading this or why, but it makes me feel a lot better to write it. It helps me keep perspective, helps me be sane, and it forces me to laugh at myself. This is serious business I’m joking about. It can be heartbreaking, terrifying, full of fear and anxiety ridden and that was just this week! I’m not trying to make light or make fun of that, but I refuse to live my life in despair. My outcomes matter to me. A lot. I’ve had more meltdowns in the last 4 months than I probably have in my whole life. The analytical and logical part of me finds that mortifying. There have been a few moments when I was ready to just chuck it altogether, but I think I’m starting to dig my heels in for the long haul.

Whats funny is, in my life, I don’t talk about how much I want a baby. To anyone. Ever. It was only when I started acupuncture that I think I said it out loud, other than brief discussions about it with my husband and obgyn. At the beginning I couldn’t say it without crying, so I’ve also probably cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last 10 years. At some point there are 2 people I’m probably going to have to apologize to, but until then, they know who they are. Bless their hearts. Actually now that I think about it, I probably owe an apology to the entire staff at my IVF clinic as well.

Sigh.

One thing at a time.

In my last post I said it helps to have a good support system. I don’t have one. I have the beginnings of one, but I have relied very heavily on the 2 people I was just talking about. I am shocked that either of them still speaks to me. I don’t have a supportive or close family, my husband is a wonderful man, he’s an incredible father to his daughter, I love him like nobodies business and we have a good marriage but his Aspergers means he’s not always emotionally connected. I don’t have a ton of girlfriends, I have one. Shes one of the 2 people I mentioned. The support system is something I’m working on. If you are going through IVF, and have a good support system, thank them the next time you see them. Hearing about people’s estrogen levels, their cycle days, their follicle counts and geeking out on percentages can’t be easy for the someone who isn’t going through this. Thank them for their patience and their care.

And then come back here and be my friend.

What Im listening to: