Say Anything

Peter Gabriel was at the Hollywood Bowl over the weekend and so was John Cusack. Have a look-see at this. Lloyd Dobbler Lives!

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Driven

I have decided I’m going to take some time off. Not off blogging really but off the pressure of giving regular updates about what is happening with me. I will still do it often but not to the degree as before.I’ve decided this will also include a picture and will be descriptive of some of my personal process.

So here we are.

The question is: “Who inspires you?” and my answer is so simple. Steve Jobs. Whv? Because he refused to settle for bullshit. Because he refused to  allow mediocrity to drive him. That being said in many ways he was a terrible person. I acknowledge that. Completely. But overwhelmingly those people look at their work and are proud, of how they were driven of his perfectionism and of his overwhelming loyalty towards form over function.

I cried when he died. Not because he was an ass or because he was famous but because he inspired me in every way possible to do better, to reach and to strive for better. And because privately I rooted for his magical thinking. I rooted for him to beat his cancer.

Everyone in the tech community knew for ages before he passed how sick he was. and how thin and frail he looked. But no one had the balls to mention it, not to him. the dreamer of dreams.

I pulled over on the freeway the night I heard he died. And I cried. Like Id lost a relative or a lover. To this day I can’t explain my admiration completely but he was amazing. And we lost him too  soon.

 

 

 

Controversy

I hate the term “bump” and wish we, as an English-speaking people would strike it from our lexicon. While I’m at it I also hate the term “hubby”, “preggo” and “fur baby” and many others. I have dogs. I love them. They are not my babies. I also have a husband who I also love, and if I ever call him hubby please feel free to punch me in the face. I am not now nor will I ever be “preggo”. Because it’s a freaking canned spaghetti sauce for the love of all that is holy.

I’m probably a little raw to be writing this today but I’m in a fuck it mood.

There are things about the online IF community that really bother me.

1. That some of you call yourselves infertile because you started trying 6 months ago and weren’t pregnant in the first month you wanted to be. The definition of infertility does not include you. I’m sorry.

2. That people have such a fit over pregnancy announcements. Yes it hurts. Quit bitching about it. Everyone else’s lives should be put on hold because you are having trouble conceiving? Get over yourselves.

On a kinder note, how can you possibly expect to have a grace bestowed upon you when you resent or have envy at someone else? I do not understand this thinking. Yes, it stings. Sometimes I have flashes of jealousy but actually letting it ruin my day? No. Its past time we put on our big girl panties take it on the chin and actually open our hearts to the new life they are beginning, weather or not we perceive them or judge them as deserving. If it’s really that awful for you, terminate your Facebook account and don’t look back. Become a hermit, let it define you, lay down and get comfortable in your misery. Actually don’t do any of those things, take your power back. Don’t let some unknowing person take your strength or your compassion for others.

3. That people avoid the mall because they don’t want to see other pregnant women. See bullet two.

I know that this post does not show the compassion or empathy that some of you deserve. I know it does not change how long some of you have been trying. But here’s the real truth. Most of you are barely in your 30’s or are in your early 30’s. You have at least another 10 years to keep trying. Trust me when I tell you as a 44-year-old woman, my time is fucking short. This isn’t what I wanted for myself, it isn’t ever where I thought Id wind up. But it’s where I’m at. Every month I face some new ugly surprise that makes continuing down this path scarier and scarier. Every month that’s failed costs me roughly 3k plus, and that doesn’t include meds. I have 2 blasts, that it’s taken me 7 months to make. The truth is I need 5-6 so that I can PGD testing them to make sure there are no chromosomal abnormalities. Statistically, the chances are of the 5 or 6 that are tested, maybe 1 will be normal or maybe none. If there is 1 that is normal and transferred, there is no guarantee that will become a live birth. Stare that in the face for a while. Because those are the cold hard facts of my situation.

My other choice is to carry on. To keep trying, to try to make light where I can, because no matter how this ends, it will not define my life or who I am as a person.

I didn’t want to be an old mom, but if I am given the opportunity to be one, I will be. People say… “well just adopt then”.. only no one wants to give a child to a family where there is someone who is over 50. My husband will be 50 in October. So that’s out. Fostering? Same thing.

This is my only option, aside from Donor Eggs which will mean having to find someone, and it costing another 30k. It’s still on the table but its a last resort for me.

I do not have the ebb and flow of even normal IVF cycles. I do not have the comfort of the same thing happening month after month.

I read so much misery and despair in your blogs. I see so many women sad and getting used to that misery. I want you to want better for yourselves. I want you to open yourselves to the grace of being happy for others who are receiving the gift you want so much.

In my 20’s I miscarried at 5 months. I know about loss. In hindsight though I was married at the time to an abusive alcoholic so it was probably the best thing for all of us. But it took me 2 years to get past it. And every year on the date of my miscarriage I count its age and wonder what that child would have been like and how different my life would have been.

I can’t change any of this. I can’t wish for things to be different, for me to be younger, for my life to have turned out differently, because it won’t. This is my reality. Its hard. In fact its the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Some of you have called me brave. I’m not. I’m terrified, I am scared out of my wits. To be completely honest after yesterday appointment, I did some writing on a project I hope will turn into a new job, talked to a friend for a few minutes and went to bed. At 7pm. When my husband got home around 9:30, I was still awake, but I didn’t talk to him about it, I just lay there with the covers over my head and tried not to think. Tried to numb the overwhelming feelings of fear. I eventually went to sleep, but “brave?” no.

When I got up this morning, I hoped Id feel better. I don’t. I’m still scared, still afraid. Still don’t know what is going to happen this cycle or next or the one after that. What I do know is I will face it, keep trying to move forward, fight my tendencies to isolate and keep trying. With or without children I am determined to try to find a way to make my life meaningful.

If I have alienated you I am sorry. it’s not my intention. There are times though with the points of view in this community are very one-sided, and I think for the sake of an open honest discussion you have to hear both sides.

If you take issue with anything I’ve said here please feel free to comment. I welcome opposing opinions and challenging questions.

And thank you for taking the time to read my ranty post.

Busy

Because of finals and Mothers Day we haven’t seen my stepdaughter in a little over a week. She loves cupcakes from Sprinkles but I don’t love paying 3.50 each for them. So I made my version of the Sprinkles Chai Spice cupcake. The fact is that I love anything chai flavored, and until I made these I had no idea how to make that spicy flavor. Turns out its super easy.

Mix it all together and store in an airtight container. I have a tiny Tupperware thing I use. You only need a teaspoon or so (I prefer a teaspoon and a half for added spiciness) mixed into the frosting, icing of your choice, preferably home-made. She tried them, and declared they are better than Sprinkles!

As you can see, I’m not a great froster. I can bake and cook, and it usually tastes pretty good but it’s not always the most beautiful presentation.

I also promised some pictures of bracelets I’ve been making. I’ve been experimenting with color combinations though obviously nothing too crazy. I’m also posting a picture of the red string bracelet I was talking about in the “Red Thread of Destiny” post.

I’m waiting on some purple beads, and want to get some blues and greens to mix it up but these I’ve made in the last few weeks.

The pink quartz one, with the moonstone is supposed to be a tangible reminder of your fertility. I don’t know if it works but I love moonstone. The grey one is a combination of Labrodorite and Moonstone, has a Japanese Good Luck cat charm. The solid red one is red coral which is supposed to represent good fortune. The red coral with the watermelon color is a form of tourmaline. I don’t know what it symbolizes but I thought the combination was pretty especially for summer.

The spare room I’ve been working on, it’s still not finished, too much plain white. It’s kind of got placeholder furniture now. Pardon my purple yoga mat. I’ve been doing yoga in there, and I like to read there too.

I painted the room, the trims, the ceiling, the little vanity in the corner, refinished the floors, made the curtains from linen, bought the bookcase from craigslist, and the chair and ottoman from Ikea. Spending a grand total of less than 500.00. If we ever actually do have a baby I wont feel bad about getting rid of whatever is now there. But for almost 5 years it has just sat empty.

These are the things I’ve been working on in my free time, and when I can’t sleep. They are the things that have kept me busy and my mind occupied while going through the process of trying to complete my family.

A Lovely Little Something

I have no idea why, but I was awarded this by 2 of my favorite ladies in the blogosphere! Both http://soonafamily.wordpress.com and /http://theinfertilehousewife.com/ gave this to me, so I am super flattered and happy to have been thought of, and its my first award!

I love Daryl’s blog because she’s poised, has tremendous grace in the face of difficult situations,  shes articulate, intelligent, tenacious and kind.

I love Mrs. Truckdriver Burts blog because she is opinionated, funny, hates Snooki with the same passion I do, and loves RHWNJ. I’ve never seen an episode of Jersey Shore but Snooki breeding is a sure sign that the end of days is upon us.

Here’s the five-step process to follow after being given this award:

  • Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog.
  • Write down seven random facts about yourself.
  • Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
  • Let them know they’ve won.
  • Pop the award on your blog.

Seven random facts about me:

1. I speak Arabic, Gaelic, some Cantonese and am in the process of learning Mandarin. I love languages. Words in general makes me really happy.

2. When I was in the 3rd grade I got in trouble for correcting my teachers grammar so often she called my parents in for a conference.

3. As a child, I was extremely serious, shy and never smiled in photographs.

4. I have driven across country by myself, 5 times.

5. My husband I were married at this 125 year old chapel in Yosemite. It was the middle of winter, there were 10 people present, it was evening, in a snowstorm, and because no one shovels the snow during the off season, I wore hiking boots under my wedding gown.

6. I have helped to start 2 different companies both of which IPO‘ed and are still traded on the NASDAQ.

7. I think gold is bad luck (for me). I wear silver, platinum or white gold only. Even the hardware on my handbag cannot be gold.

I dont know 15 other bloggers so I’m going to give it to a few who I think deserve to be recognized.

More than waiting… shes thoughtful, faces the same crisis of faith I think we all struggle with, and is extremely easy to relate to.

Bitter en Zoet,  Again incredibly intelligent, well spoken, articulate, wise, emanates peace and serenity to me and takes lovely lovely pictures.

acoursetothefinishline. Strong, tenacious, determined, and what can I say, she encouraged me with a very strong statement at a time when I really needed it.