Textbook

Here’s a first. I’m having a textbook cycle. I know right? I didn’t think Id ever have one again!

Ideally in a retrieval cycle, you want your lining to be about 14 on the day of your retrieval if you plan on doing a transfer after. I don’t know if I will be doing one, I’m leaving it to the Dr so probably not.

You want your E2 to be about 200 or higher for single a good quality egg, your LH not to be peaking, anything under about 20 is fine. P4 should be low, because a high P4 means you’ve ovulated. A high P4 is anything over about 1.8. As your E2 rises your FSH should decrease which is also happening to me.

Blood work again today, and ultrasound, Dr came in to check the size of the follicle which has gone from 15mm to 17 mm since yesterday. That’s another thing. Any follicle over about 20mm before retrieval, will likely be “post mature” or you know, unusable.

While doing the ultrasound, he said “that is really a beautiful follicle” patting me as he left the room. A beautiful follicle? Another first. I don’t know what that means, all I saw was a big round blob of dark grey, but it made me happy, and he said please wait for blood results before discussing retrieval.

Results: E2 194.4, LH 15.7, P4 .42.

Lupron trigger tonight, at 10:30pm, retrieval scheduled for Friday morning at 9:30.

Welcome back to the Circus!

Underachiever

CD10 Monitoring
I’ve had this really uncomfortable pain that’s been radiating from my back to front on the left side. Last Friday I thought it was related to my  car accident, neck and back injury. Now a few days later, and after some exploratory poking around my stomach/uterus/left ovary area I realized that its my withered little almond-shaped ovary stretching to fit what feels like an angry little gnome. It’s weird how one little shift can cause my mid-back to spasm and me to feel like the hunchback of Orange County. I am very familiar with this pain, but not on my left side. Normally its on my right. My last retrieval was in early July, so its been more than 2 months since I had one. And since my left ovary is such a underachiever, it didn’t occur to me that it was “Excuse me, I’m trying to grow an egg in here” pain.

Lets see what the blood results and ultrasound show. My appointment its at 11am this morning.

Results:

1 follicle still on the left side, now 15mm, E2 180, up from 72, 4 days ago, which is perfect for retrieval. Generally you want an E2 of 200 or more for 1 follicle. P4 .31, LH 16.8. Follow up visit tomorrow, trigger either tomorrow or Thursday which would mean a retrieval on Friday or Saturday. I’m hoping Friday.

I have plans on Thursday morning with a friend for breakfast, which makes me incredibly happy,  I’ve been asked to give a cooking lesson for my other friends twins 8th birthday party for 14 little 8 year olds, and I have midterms coming for my classes. 2 of these things I’m really looking forward to. It’s amazing how much having something to look forward to can shift your perspective. My “pretty pink positive thoughts” plan is really working well.

I’m getting excited for Halloween! We get a million kids here and everyone in the neighborhood decks out their houses. I am trying to decide if I want to dress my dogs up like crayons, or the Travelocity gnome. (you might begin to notice a pattern. I like gnomes.) Don’t ask me why I don’t know.

Lets put it to a vote: Crayons or Gnomes?

What I do know is,  there’s a life lesson in the phrase “Never Roam Alone”

 

101

My last post was post number 100. I didn’t even notice.

I went to the RE today for CD7 monitoring, I have 1 follicle still on the left ovary that is 12.1. FSH is lower, *weird* E2 is about where it’s supposed to be.  It’s grown exactly 6mm in less than 5 days with a natural cycle. Which as of this morning is no longer natural. I’m on a new protocol this month, where instead of Clomid, I’ve been prescribed Tamoxifen. Which I am only familiar with as a cancer drug. Because my mother took it for 10 years, before being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. That scared me a little, however it seems my RE has discovered that it acts (stimulates) similarly to Clomid but doesn’t thin your Endometrium or cause your LH to surge unnaturally. I monitor again on day 12 (Tuesday) to see whats happening. I imagine, since I’ve done this 10 or 11 times before, that I will trigger, and get a retrieval at some point next week if all goes well with the new meds. In 10, 11, oh who the hell knows, how many retrievals, I’ve never had a dominate follicle come from my left side. Ever. I’ve gotten a follicle or 2 from it before but they always wind up being the immature ones.

My left ovary is all wallflower-ish and under achieving. Like me in High School. Kinda. It’s the one that’s most easily visible and isn’t in a weird place like my right one, but it’s generally kind of lazy. Who else has 1 lazy ovary? How do you get it to be less lazy? Tell it, “You’re grounded until you produce a follicle?” Seriously, is there anything anyone can do to wake the lazy one up? Throw ice water on it? Poke it? What causes one to be lazy? Is there a difference in the egg quality?

Its been a busy week. Remember how I took Chinese III (Mandarin) a few months ago? We this semester I decided since I’m at home alone a lot at night, to take Honors Economics and Honors Political Science and Chinese IV, for fun. Note to self: Stop making decisions while hopped up on fertility meds or in the middle of a depression after a failed FET. Most people would avoid making decisions during times like that. Not me. Bring on some school, and some homework, and some new pencils, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR this is expensive! Yes. I am an idiot.

My new “plan” is actually going pretty well so far. I’m avoiding the people and the “friends” and the situations that don’t add something positive to my life or my day-to-day. Instead, I’m trying to focus on friendships and classes and activities like Yoga, that make me feel better about myself. I’m also trying to avoid added stress and while the classes “might* have been counter intuitive, I have to admit it does feel good to have my brain engaged in something intellectual. Add a little more exercise and I should have a good recipe for how to better manage the outside stressors in my life.

Since I had to get a scrip filled from the Dr, I stopped at Costco this morning after my appointment. Where I got the scrip filled and decided to bring home some flowers for no other reason than because I felt like it. Usually there has to be an occasion. But not today. Today I just want to be surrounded by pretty, happy, peace and serenity, and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Right?

A New Record..

 

 

for the worst cycle ever.

Yesterday was cd12 monitoring. Saturday there was a follicle on the right size 7.6. Yesterday, no view of my right ovary at all, so no idea if there are follicles or gnomes or whatever the hell it is growing in there.

E2 606, no that’s not a typo 606. W.T. F?

FSH 16.1 meh, but its better than 41 so I’ll take it.

LH 7.6
They asked me to monitor again today.

I went in CD13 monitoring no view of my right ovary at all, not vaginal and not through the stomach. Nothing. So it was decided to see how the blood work was going.

Blood Pressure was a little high, but heart rate was 39. So she took it again, blood pressure was pretty normal but heart rate was 37. Freaked everyone out. Everyone. I don’t know what it means but I know all of a sudden there were 5 people in the room with me and I was terrified.

E2 411.70

FSH 18.4

LH 20.4

I’ve been referred to an outside lab for another ultrasound tomorrow, and its confirmed that I have a vitamin d deficiency. Awesome. I wonder if all that is starting to add up to something seriously wrong with me or if I am the unwilling participant to a bunch of weird happenstances. Either way, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they do. Significantly.

Dr Paul said “something has to change” and I know he’s right. I just don’t know what that is.

 

 

 

Apathy

 

I will be seeing Dr Yelian again tomorrow before he leaves for Shanghai for 4 days. My labs were on the spectacularly craptacular side on Saturday. 1 follicle right side, 7.6mm. FSH 41, LH 22 because of elevated FSH. No more natural cycle, Estrace twice a day and one last visit before he leaves the country. I think tomorrow an egg retrieval date will be decided upon and I hope to Christ it’s NOT during the time he’s gone. Not that I don’t trust any other Dr to do it, but I uh, don’t trust any other Dr to do it.

Molly the magical embryologist will be there when it does happen thank god, hopefully sometime next week. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Shes a rock and she’s kind and comforting and I love her. I’m not just saying that. I actually really love her.

I’m not nervous this time. I’m numb.

The past few weeks have been hard and I am sorry to say my husband hasn’t been much in the way of support. He doesn’t know what to do, he says horrible things to me when I am on  my knees in pain. So basically I’ve just shut down emotionally. I know he can’t help it, but its painful all the same.  I struggle more than ever with hope, and faith and trust and wonder if this is ever going to work for me.

I’ve continued to see Dr. Paul, and he’s been helpful mostly except when he tries to get me to be my normal snarky self, and I’m just not biting. I don’t really have any snark in me now, I’m having a hard enough time just putting one foot in front of the other.
This last few weeks has been incredibly lonely. I feel like the support system I have been so careful at building (or thought I was) kind of let me down. I don’t know, maybe its my fault. I am a creature of habit, so my tendencies is to go off and lick my wounds in private.

I don’t blog when I am unhappy. I just go silent. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so lonely in my life.

I want to be the funny person, the one who laughs at all the crazy and at all the indignities. But right now, there just isn’t anything funny about whats happening. It scares me.

 

Saturday in the Park

 

Last Saturday was my CD2 monitoring for the first time after what appears to have been a chemical pregnancy. It was crampy, uncomfortable, really messy and emotional. I don’t know why. It’s like limbo. It’s not far along enough to even register but all the same, to know my second FET failed was disappointing and sad. It’s also the longest shark week I’ve had in years. 6 days.

I made it through the ultrasound ok, 1 follicle on each ovary, 5mm each, until the tech left the room. At which point I stood up and looked down at the floor at a small thick puddle of blood, and burst into tears. I cleaned myself, put my clothes back on and crawled around on the floor trying to clean up the mess, crying all the while. Mortified.

My blood work was drawn, my E2 was less than 25, my FSH was 17.5 and it will be a natural cycle, with another check on day 9, this Saturday. I’m guessing I might have a retrieval later in the month, and at some point after that an endometrial biopsy. Last Friday I was tested for a vitamin D deficiency, and a bunch of auto-immune issues. I should get the results by Saturday.

I have not had a lot of good things to say about anything so I’ve done my best not to talk. I’ve avoided my husband and stepdaughter, avoided my friends, let calls go to voice mail and just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to say, I need support. I don’t know how to say, I need love or care or kindness. So I’ve said nothing.

I finally went out to lunch with the husband and stepdaughter today, it almost felt normal, except I no longer finish meals, and I am not hungry 95% of the time.

I guess that’s how you get back to normal, you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

 

 

 

Universe

CD13 Update.

As of yesterday, I have follicles. Unlike my last 2 visits, where my ovaries appeared to be hollow as a Kardashians head. I hate having to mention Kardashians in my posts. Seriously. Ovaries, I mean you. Do your jobs. Both of you!

Or my second ultrasound could have been an error which seems likely since otherwise my follicles are growing at a Herculean rate. If that’s not the case, well then I’ve got a 14mm follicle that wasn’t there 3 days ago, and a 5mm follicle that also wasn’t there 3 days ago.

E2 222, LH 6, P4.24 Continue Estrace add Prometrium, some other progesterone and a partridge in a pear tree. Don’t ask me whats next, I’m not sure. I am sure I like not having to take Clomid. I’m still a little overly emotional but its nice not to feel like a bloated moose for the first time in a long time. I do know that there will be no egg retrieval this month. Which again, I am OK with.
Its been an exhausting week. As in really upsetting, frustrating, and anxiety ridden. I had an X-ray yesterday for my back injury which is conclusively soft tissue except in the neck area which appears consistent with some type of whiplash. I also had both acupuncture and chiropractic yesterday, and an appointment with the RE.

We picked up the dog from the vet last night, after 2.5 hours of instructions on how to care for him and what we can and can’t expect in the next few weeks. Mostly that its going to be a long road back to him walking, playing, running or anything else using his hind legs and that he may never get his full mobility back. Not to mention peeing on his own, and you know… enjoying being a little buddy. But he’s resting comfortably and happy to be home.

I am declaring a moratorium on stress this week. Starting now. I will be avoiding it and everyone and everything that stresses me out. I just need the universe to co-operate with me for 5 minutes please.

Universe. Do Your. Job. Which is not to give me every single exception or to make me feel like a piled upon person with all my bad karma at one time. I do way more good things than bad things, so lets give this old girl a break this week, actually for the next few weeks if you don’t mind. Please. No really. Please? Otherwise I might actually seek out a Thundershirt for myself. Not my dog. I’ve spent a lot of time cursing the Universe this week, maybe that’s why its mad at me. If I stop calling it names maybe it will cut me some slack. Sorry about that Universe, but if I’m honest, you’ve been really hard to get a long with lately.

I need to change my mindset to something a little more low-key, positive peaceful and restful, starting tomorrow. Scratch that. Actually  starting Monday afternoon. Because Monday morning I have an interview with the NFL. Yes. The National Football League. Don’t ask. I have no clue why I am doing this.

I’m going to try to catch up on some sleep this weekend, do a few errands but nothing major, try to enjoy the weekend and my family and face each day as it comes knowing I’ve tried my hardest.

Friends

I had my cycle day 2 appointment and my stats were as follows.

FSH 6.4, E2 82.2. No visible follicles on either ovary. 5 months ago this news would have terrified me, but now, I will take it. For some reason my protocol is different this time. No Clomid, no stimulating drugs. Yay! But I am being given 2 tablets of Estrace a day with no monitoring again until day 10. Usually I monitor on day 8 but again OK. Dr Yelian, my RE called it Hormone Replacement Therapy, which I kind of prickled at, since I associate that term with Menopause but he assured me no. So let’s get on with it and see how it works out. Next week I will know more. He said not to count on an egg retrieval this month. Weirdly I’m OK with that too. If it happens then great, if it doesn’t, well It’s not a complete break but at least there is no Clomid involved.

Now as I’ve become known for doing, I’m going to abruptly switch subjects.

I’ve always been the woman who has more male friends than female ones. It worked for me for a long time. I find some of the cattiness and pettiness’ of my gender sometimes hard to take. I hate when women agree to go to lunch together and someones pipes up “I only ate a salad I don’t want to pay the extra 2 dollars so can we all just get separate checks?” among other things. I am a girl I know that were not all like that but its one of those things that’s always bothered me.

Consequently when I began this journey I had one girlfriend, that I’ve known since high school, with 6 kids of her own, and she was living in Canada, so we couldn’t even talk on the phone most of the time. But I leaned on her, she said all the wrong things, meant well, and I had to forgive her for that because fertility is obviously not something she’s ever had an issue with. Shes been an incredible friend to me though and I wouldn’t trade her for anyone. I had my acupuncturist who I leaned rather heavily on, and he’s tolerated way more than he should have ever had to.

I’ve spent the last 9 months really trying to make girlfriends. At my age, its hard. But without some kind of support I’d be writing this post from a padded room somewhere. My blog has helped, its given me a starting point as to explain myself and my situation. Slowly over the last 9 months I’ve made friends, real friends who I respect and love and would totally break a nail for. Women who struggle in their own right, with fertility, their weight, making their lives into something they are content with living. Strong women who are on their own journeys. Some the same path as me, and some not. Intelligent, educated women who know better than to be judgy or petty. Supportive women who can handle my mood swings and my frustration and sometimes anger and fear. They are there for me, and I am there for them, on their own journeys none of which are easier than mine.

Much to my joy, I’ve also become friendly with some younger women, one special one who is going to help me learn to knit, who loves animals and is on a break from blogging. We will conduct these lessons via skype because she lives in upstate NY and I live in CA. Another young one who is taking her LVN boards soon and will then go back to school for her RN, and another who is just struggling in general about who she wants to grow up to be.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, and I do believe that’s somewhere around middle school, I have a group of girlfriends that I really adore. Who defy my own petty judgements of women and who make me laugh and who I’m thrilled to cheer for and who cheer for me. It’s nice to get out of my head and do things for others, little things that I hope in some small way brings joy to their lives and reminds that they too have a friend, and make them feel a little more loved.

You know who you are…

It’s such a relief. To have a support system that forces me not to isolate, that can take me out of my head, and who make me laugh like a cackling maniac. Its not easy. But its possible. Just like getting pregnant.

Do I get discouraged. Yes. Do I get tired, yes! Do I have fears, yes! Do I let it define me? No. Do I let my sadness over not being pregnant become my new normal? No.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get all worried and OCD about things. The loss of control in the process is one of the things I struggle with most. That and displaying the Queen Victoria like she was the crown jewels. I still find it mortifying. There are at least 5 people in my REs office I’m not sure I will ever be able to look in the eye.

This month I will do my best to walk bravely into the great unknown and hopefully come out the other side with something good to show for it. That being said, I don’t know what that something good might be.

低调

Its been a tough week. Thank you to everyone who commented on my arrested post. I loved your willingness to be vulgar and awesome all at once! For some reason, the thought of women I’ve never met cursing on my behalf so I didn’t have to was really comforting. I’m not kidding. Thank you.

3 more days of Provera and Estrace, and a few days after that a new cycle will begin. The 9th one. I bought a new package this week. There will be 3 more attempts, at least. I never thought I’d be one of those women that goes through this month after month. I never thought I’d be someone who would be willing to do anything to have a child. But apparently I have become THAT person.

It’s just one more way my life is unrecognizable to me.

People ask me how I keep going. The truth is, I don’t know what else to do but keep trying to move forward. I try to focus on the future, and hope for the best. More and more I try to make my mind quiet, and with some practice maybe eventually, I will get good at it.  There are days though that I fail epically. I had at least 2.5 epic failure days this week. Including crying so much during acupuncture the Dr. put little wads of tissue in my ears so that the tears didn’t pool there. While useful I’m certain it wasn’t my best look. But then crying with my nose running and my eyes streaming red isn’t my best look either. I admit it. I’m a really ugly crier.

2.5 is  better than 7 but I’d like to do better.

Its hard, but I’m trying to get into the habit of allowing myself the grace to dream and hope. I can’t always see it and that scares me a lot. But if I focus and let my mind wander, I can see myself, and my completed family.

There it is again. Those words, hope, dreaming, and an implied faith. While all of this sounds suspiciously cheesy, I will take that over cynical, bitter and angry every day of the week. With every single fiber of who I am, I do not want to become that person.

I was that person for 2.5 days this week so I’d like to issue a blanket apology to everyone who saw me, drove near me, talked to me or had to interact with me in any way during that time.

Someone said something to me today that resonated with me.  低调.  The translation is something like “blessings arrive in tune”  like music, but what it really means is “low-key” as in good things happen when you’re not shouting the house down. It’s a Chinese proverb that I need a lot more practice with. A whole lot more.

I’m going to keep practicing, and continue trying to quiet the cacophony of noise, thoughts, anxieties and worries that are in my head. Someday, the silence is going to be peaceful and amazing.

Early

In a little over 12 hours I will be on the table/weird chair thingy they do egg retrieval in my REs surgery for the 8th time. Legs, strapped down, Queen Victoria on display, highlighted by the Russian Interrogation lights, my legs shaved, feet pedicured and the uh..bushes well maintained.

Its been another bizarre cycle where my FSH spiked, I was taken off Clomid, put on Estrace and we seemed to be off to the races from there. Except this follicle has grown over 10 millimeters in 7 days. And my E2 has gone from 40 to 235 in 7 days.  Add to it that I feel like my right ovary is building some kind of hipster nightclub in there, my failed “just go with the crazy experiment” and it becomes another humbling month of “yes I am still a control freak, who is a complete nutcase and yes I probably owe you and the rest of the free world another apology.”

There really is no dignity in this process what so ever.

Because my LH was SO HIGH yesterday, I *again* have the sneaking suspicion that I will have ovulated this little alien early. I’m trying not to think about it, but it’s not going so well, and every little twinge, every little knock is stressing me out.

Why did my RE have go to Turkey of all places when he knows my ovaries are unreliable, irresponsible and probably have horrible taste in music? If he hadn’t id have had an emergency retrieval today most likely and wouldn’t be worried about ovulating early.

Last month I was so sure it was going to be a bust that I work makeup to the retrieval. then snuck my phone in with me, photographed myself pre-surgery, texted the pic to my friend who promptly texted me back, “You wore makeup to a retrieval? Have you lost your mind?” “To which I wrote back, “If the outcome is going to suck, I’m going to look good doing it”. Which is retrospect still makes no sense.

I have done the meditation, and now I think I will just chant. “There will be a good follicle in there, not an alien. There will be a good follicle in there not an alien.”

Probably meditating again would be wiser. Lets see how well I sleep tonight.