Beta #3

My first beta was 71.5. The second one was 96 hours after the first because the office is closed on Sundays and honestly, while still within normal range (31-72 hours) it was close at 69.8 hours of doubling time. So the Dr asked me to come in for a third beta. Which was this morning.

748.2

Dr was looking for about 720.0. Which now puts me at 46.41 hours to double. OMG It’s better than normal!

If you’re not sure what I’m talking about HCG is the hormone they are testing for, the “pregnancy” hormone.  At the clinic I go to, anything over 5.0 is considered pregnant. Most pregnancy tests show a positive at 15.0 or 25.0 depending on their sensitivity.

Its my humble opinion that Clear Blue Easy digitals are expensive and depressing. First Response Early Response or FRER are known to show positives very early, and I think are the pregnancy test of choice for IVFers. But you may have your own thoughts on this. Anyway, ideally you’d like your HCG to double in about 48 hours. But these numbers can vary wildly depending on who you speak with and as I said, the range is 31 to 72 hours.

Ive made it past the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th hurdle for this pregnancy, there are still a lot more ahead. I’m happy, still extremely cautious but very happy.

 

 

 

Beta #2

Generally the second beta is given 48 hours after the first one. But since the  first beta was last Friday, and the clinic I go to is closed on Sundays, I was asked to come back 4 days after my first beta. Which was this morning; 181.5. I was told not to worry about it, but coming in 98.5 points lower than the Dr wanted to see? Yeah that’s concerning to me.

Since my positive pregnancy test, Ive come to realize something. It doesn’t all end with a positive and then fade to whatever baby color that represents the gender and you go on happily ever after. There is a critical path, milestones to be met, a third beta, the first ultrasound, the heartbeat, because of my age a battery of tests that will come in November and December should I make it that long.

Somewhere around the 16th week I can start to feel safe. Maybe. Which for me, means it will be 2013, before I can stop worrying.

16 weeks seems a long way away.

Which led me to thinking about children. In IVF, you worry throughout the process, you are anxious about your levels, you bodies response, your results, your ability to make follicles/eggs, their quality, if there are male factor infertility issues, you worry about Everything. You change your diet, you take supplements that make you to produce the most expensive urine in the world. You worry about the cost, the toll it takes on your relationship, the toll it takes on you as a person.

Where does it lead? It leads to the elusive (you will worry about that too) positive test, and a whole new slew of worries and anxiety. Assuming the outcome is a live birth, you will then worry about that child for the rest of your life. I guess the upside of all the disappointments and anxieties that go with IVF and infertility, is that it prepares you better than most for parenthood.

What does it mean? I means I’m going to walk through my worries and anxieties 1 step at a time. I’m going to try to not to predict the future, because it isn’t written yet, and I’m going to do everything I can to get enough rest, keep stress at bay, eat well, and have faith.

From here on out, I am stepping into the unknown. I will be grateful for every day I have with this miracle.

 

Secret

How many of you are on Facebook? How many of you need more than the blogging community to vent, discuss, complain, cry, and have people who completely understand what you are going through to talk to, even if they are virtual strangers?

I have started an IVF Peer Support group on Facebook. It’s a “secret” group meaning no one but the people in the group ever see the posts, and it doesn’t show up in anyone’s feed unless they also belong to the group. I can guarantee your privacy.
Anyone who is dealing with infertility is welcome. From whatever stage you are in, you don’t have to be doing IVF, from first diagnosis, to starting Clomid or whatever, doing IUI‘s, IVF, anyone with autoimmune issues, anyone facing issues with fertility, including those of you that are now pregnant.

There is an embryologist in the group, and a nurse, so there are times that you can get your questions answered straight away. I will invite the RE from my clinic from time to time, to answer questions if there is anything that is really urgent and pressing.

The purpose is to get advice, share experiences and stories, give and get support, make friends, and have someone rooting for you, no matter what.

I’d like to open it to this community. If you’d like to join please contact me at jlko@att.net. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have. If you are uncomfortable with it, I understand, but I hope you will at least consider it. Lastly I do not work for nor am I compensated by my clinic, I started the group because as its well documented here, I just don’t have enough support at home.

The group is small now only about 8 people, but I’m hoping it will grow. I just wanted to offer, because crappy as my day has been, I’m determined to find a silver lining. And this might be it.

101

My last post was post number 100. I didn’t even notice.

I went to the RE today for CD7 monitoring, I have 1 follicle still on the left ovary that is 12.1. FSH is lower, *weird* E2 is about where it’s supposed to be.  It’s grown exactly 6mm in less than 5 days with a natural cycle. Which as of this morning is no longer natural. I’m on a new protocol this month, where instead of Clomid, I’ve been prescribed Tamoxifen. Which I am only familiar with as a cancer drug. Because my mother took it for 10 years, before being diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. That scared me a little, however it seems my RE has discovered that it acts (stimulates) similarly to Clomid but doesn’t thin your Endometrium or cause your LH to surge unnaturally. I monitor again on day 12 (Tuesday) to see whats happening. I imagine, since I’ve done this 10 or 11 times before, that I will trigger, and get a retrieval at some point next week if all goes well with the new meds. In 10, 11, oh who the hell knows, how many retrievals, I’ve never had a dominate follicle come from my left side. Ever. I’ve gotten a follicle or 2 from it before but they always wind up being the immature ones.

My left ovary is all wallflower-ish and under achieving. Like me in High School. Kinda. It’s the one that’s most easily visible and isn’t in a weird place like my right one, but it’s generally kind of lazy. Who else has 1 lazy ovary? How do you get it to be less lazy? Tell it, “You’re grounded until you produce a follicle?” Seriously, is there anything anyone can do to wake the lazy one up? Throw ice water on it? Poke it? What causes one to be lazy? Is there a difference in the egg quality?

Its been a busy week. Remember how I took Chinese III (Mandarin) a few months ago? We this semester I decided since I’m at home alone a lot at night, to take Honors Economics and Honors Political Science and Chinese IV, for fun. Note to self: Stop making decisions while hopped up on fertility meds or in the middle of a depression after a failed FET. Most people would avoid making decisions during times like that. Not me. Bring on some school, and some homework, and some new pencils, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR this is expensive! Yes. I am an idiot.

My new “plan” is actually going pretty well so far. I’m avoiding the people and the “friends” and the situations that don’t add something positive to my life or my day-to-day. Instead, I’m trying to focus on friendships and classes and activities like Yoga, that make me feel better about myself. I’m also trying to avoid added stress and while the classes “might* have been counter intuitive, I have to admit it does feel good to have my brain engaged in something intellectual. Add a little more exercise and I should have a good recipe for how to better manage the outside stressors in my life.

Since I had to get a scrip filled from the Dr, I stopped at Costco this morning after my appointment. Where I got the scrip filled and decided to bring home some flowers for no other reason than because I felt like it. Usually there has to be an occasion. But not today. Today I just want to be surrounded by pretty, happy, peace and serenity, and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Right?

Confession

Confession time. I went silent or mostly silent after my friend told me that sometimes things are better kept to yourself and low-key until after the results are known. I decided she might be right. I didn’t mention it on my blog, or in any of the IVF message boards I belong to, or even the one I created. I didn’t tell my friends, I completely cut myself off. Or well, I almost did.

Friday August 10th I had a transfer of my lesser graded embryo, it was unfrozen Thursday evening, a small hole was made in the zona, and it hatched and expanded fully upgrading itself to a 6AA quality embryo. It was growing so quickly that they called me and asked me to come in early for transfer. According to my embryologist, ” it was ready to implant now!”

The transfer went smoothly, and I decided that this time:

1. I wouldn’t test before hand to find out the results. *this failed miserably*
2. I would actually take it easy during my 9 day wait, actually 10 because my 9th day was on Sunday the 19th and they are closed on Sundays.

As promised my husband refused to help me with the progesterone in oil shot. Which was mostly easy to do and I very much prefer over any of the vaginal suppositories. Until the night when I hit a vein. My bathroom looked like a crime scene, blood all over the floor, all over me all over everything. Yes my butt cheeks are bruised and sore. But I will take that over the suppositories any day. I’ve tried both kinds and for different reasons they are both equally disgusting.

I was so happy to have a rest from the Clomid, so happy to be doing something different, something that felt hopeful. I can’t begin to tell you how much relief I felt at not having to deal with an egg retrieval and just focusing on something entirely different.  I felt so relaxed for a few days. By day 2 I felt some cramping mostly on the right side, by day 3 I had implantation bleeding, which also left me happy and hopeful. Day 4 the cramps turned into pinching and continued for the next few days. By day 6 I was anxious, and by day 7 when most people begin to get positives albeit faint ones, I tested. It was negative. And devastating. I’d had so many symptoms, heartburn, gassy, sore boobs, constant “something is happening in there” feelings.

I kind of melted down at the BFN, but on Day 8 at 4:30am I got up again and tested again. Negative. Day 9 (today) negative.

I suppose that there is a snowball’s chance in hell that the beta will turn out positive, however if it is positive and the number is really low, as in too low for an HPT to detect at this point, chances are it will fail. If there is no sign of HCG in my blood tomorrow, then I was never pregnant and all these symptoms were in my head. If there is some trace of HCG in my blood tomorrow, but not enough to declare a pregnancy then what it means is the embryo probably implanted, and then died. Which indicates a chromosomal abnormality. The logical part of my brain knows that this is ok. Its better to end sooner than later. But the part of me that has had 9 egg retrievals with so little success, and been through so much over the last 10 months is sad.

My gut feeling is that it was a chemical pregnancy and I will soon be experiencing a very early miscarriage. Tomorrow I will know. If I am right, then I need it to be over and to move forward.

I guess if I had to pick a silver lining, then Id say, even though I’ve been on enough progesterone and estrogen to choke a horse and am bloated like a balloon, I’ve lost 7 pounds in the last 5 days.

I don’t have enough distance from it yet to be philosophical, hopefully it wont take me too long to get there.

Hatching

I am in shock.

To call it shock is probably an understatement. I am also thrilled. I have no idea how I’m going to write this post in a way that makes sense.

Because Molly’s teeny tiny miracle didn’t arrest. It slowed way down in growing, and they thought it would arrest, hence the call on 6/4 informing me that it died. Maybe because it was immature and was taking some time to catch up or maybe it was just napping. I don’t know what embryos do, and I’m not educated enough on this process to give a logical answer so I’m just going with napping. But it caught up, and eventually wound up on time!

I’ve been a “joy” to be around the last 4 days. And by “joy” I mean a total assclown.

She kept an eye on it, took care of it, and today I have been informed that its is a grade 6AA blastocyst! The reason it was given the grade 6, is because its got so much energy and is so happy, it’s already trying to escape from its little shell and wants to implant right away.

It will be frozen, and I will continue to do retrieval until such time as Dr Yelian tells me its time to transfer. How cool is the idea of a hatching embryo you can actually see pictures of?

I don’t even know what to say really. The part that just makes me smile like a lunatic is the term “hatching”.  Because its only used when the embryo has a lot of energy and determination, if you know.. cells can be determined.

So without further ado, here is blastocyst number 2. My second little goldfish! A bundle of cells that beat incredible odds thanks to Molly!

Molly

I have a little information about my Egg Retrieval this morning. The egg was still there, they got it, it wasn’t a cyst, and it wasn’t degenerated, but it also wasn’t mature. An immature egg can’t be fertilized so it has to mature before anything else can happen.

It looked sort of like this picture on the surgery room monitor, though I didn’t see it through the microscope and this is a 3d image. The little speckles are red blood cells.

Molly, the embryologist from Joy of an Embryo Sitter was part of the retrieval team today, and while   at first I couldn’t tell who she was, because everyone including me, has on those blue hair covers and masks on, I couldn’t look at her too long because I was afraid I’d cry. Shes been incredibly nice to me and really been a good friend.

I’ve never had an immature egg survive in the lab before (and I’ve had a few) so we will see what happens. Molly said she would try, and she’s a very kind earnest sort of person so I know she will try her best.

This picture is what a mature egg looks like.

Either way I’m looking ahead, so Monday I will start Provera (Oh Yay! and by Yay I mean oh FFS) for 10 days and a few days later shark week will arrive and the Circus will begin again.

In the meantime, I will hopefully keep you entertained with some non fertility related stuff. Get some packages to the post office that are long past due going out, maybe try to catch up on my sleep and start trying to eat more often.

Thank you again to everyone who has hoped for me. I sincerely, genuinely thank you and appreciate it.

Loco

Rather than start this post with the qualifier that it’s a downer I’m just going to post a funny picture.

No. Its not my picture, or my dog but the hairy eyeball is something I’ve given out pretty frequently lately. I like that little dogs crazy eyes.

I’ve been wrestling with where I go from here (as though I am in control, see what I did there?) There is nothing to be decided really, but I feel the need to create a plan or a strategy. Because planning things I have no control over is super useful.

I can’t seem to stop myself from trying to create a strategy, and running through all the possible scenarios. If x happens then the result will be y, if y happens then z will be the outcome. I have control issues. Sue me. Maybe I am a drama queen but every bad cycle discourages me a little, and chips away at whatever faith/hope/trust I have in my own bodies ability to make good eggs and my belief in my ability to get pregnant. I keep reminding myself to “Have faith in your journey” When all I really want to do is yell WTF? Not just the letters either.

“Maybe I should take a break?” because of my AMH, I am afraid to.

I’ve been “unpleasant” to be around since Friday, and by unpleasant, I mean scary. I cry easily. I’m overly emotional, I’m short-tempered and I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping past 4 or 5 am no matter what time I went to bed. I don’t have a lot of patience with myself, I am sick of pouting, sick of myself. Sick of not feeling like myself. I’ve spent most of the weekend in my head. Talking to myself, and trying not to talk to my husband because I don’t trust myself not to say something critical or unkind.

My one real-life friend who knows about my IVF went to Costco the other day and called me asking me if I needed anything. My answer was “Yes please. Id like the ovaries of a 25 year old, a new life and an Asian baby. And some sour patch kids if they have any.” She lives in Canada so, you know, she didn’t buy me anything on my list.

I’ve worked in the yard a lot. Moving things around, replanting some trees and flowers, moving lawn furniture, washing it down, cleaning the low wall around my patio with a scrub brush, soap and hot water. Raking, lacing out trees, trimming hedges. Moving the statuary to better locations and fixing the fountain.

I do that when I am unhappy, I clean until everything is spotless, laundry, iron, put things away, purge closets, clean some more, wash everything down, polish furniture, sweep and mop floors, organize until there is nothing left to be organized. Except whatever is in my head. Which if I could fold like a load of laundry and put it away, I would. Consequently as I type this, you can eat off any surface in my house. Not that you’d want to. I’m just saying.

I will see the Dr this morning and have my hormone levels checked. I can’t say I’m nervous. I’m not, I’m numb. I don’t expect anything good to come out of this meeting. Chances are he will say “No more Clomid for you, only natural cycles”, which are a whole other can of worms. You can’t control ovulation with natural cycles, and I’ve had 3 of them where I ovulated the best, lead follicles early so, no bueno. Or… “were going to give you Birth Control Pills, or Estrogen”… or something else that is new, and scary and may over suppress my already defective ovaries.

After,  I have to go have Dim Sum with my In-Laws who love tolerate me. Why you might ask? Because my husband decided last night that today was a great day to drive up and see them. The insensitivity is strong in this one Luke. I know he means well, but he doesn’t get that I am about as stressed out as it is possible for one person to be, and frankly. I don’t want to see anyone. Crap, if I am truthful I don’t want to see myself right now.

The plus side of my cleaning frenzy is my little fountain is fixed, I have created a new seating area in the rear of my yard, and all my little Asian statuary looks fantastic.

The outcomes of the meeting wont be posted for a while after, but I will post it later tonight.

Here are some pictures of the work I’ve been doing in the backyard so it will hopefully counterbalance the negativity of this post. You can see each picture in more detail if you click on them.

Japanese Maple tree, with a tiny pagoda.

My fountain whose filter is no longer clogged with roots, or biodegradable ew.

Yes, that is a Buddhas head.

Foo Dog, it’s an antique and I’m not sure if I love it or hate it. Husband loves it, but the painted eyes creep me out.

If you look into the tree and see all those Moroccan stars, they each hold a candle and we light them when we have parties.

My avocado tree is shedding a lot of leaves now so even after all that work yesterday there are leaves in the yard making my perfection imperfect.

Story of my life.

Announcement

I have a really exciting announcement for those of you interested in the protocol I am using for IVF. Dr. Frank Yelian Director of Life IVF Center has agreed to do a Q&A session online a live chat, tentatively scheduled for May 18th, at 7pm Pacific time.

I know it’s not an ideal time for those of you on the East Coast, but you don’t have to be a patient to take part and its free. I will send out more details and the link to it, once I have a general idea of how many people might be interested. Please let me know if you are interested in attending so that I can make sure there is room for everyone.

In the meantime I want to give a huge shout out to Molly, the amazing embryologist at the clinic I go to. Shes incredibly sweet, really kind-hearted and has her own blog that you can find here: Joy of an Embryo Sitter. Have a look, she’s really busy but you can learn a lot about the different stages of embryos from her blog. Plus she deserves some nice comments and encouragement, since she works in this world day in and out.

Everyone that is a nurse or works in the lab wears these green scrubs, and you can always find her with a big smile in her green scrubs, with sock monkey slippers on. Love that!

A few weeks ago when I was feeling so sad, she was kind enough to email me and ask me if I wanted a picture of my 1 Blastocyst. Of course I said yes. Because I’m feeling a little sorry for myself today, I thought Id share it with you. Its rated as a 4AA quality which is the best rating this clinic give out. (I think)

1 blast might get me pregnant, but I don’t want to transfer unless I have 2 or 3, having to start from zero after a transfer stinks so I’m trying to hedge my bets. Plus I’m not getting any younger, so better to collect eggs while I can. Looking at it makes me feel a little better. So here is my little goldfish:

I am not affiliated with Live IVF Center in any way other than being a patient there. I am not employed by them nor am I compensated by them.

The Freak Show

Story of my life.

CD3 Monitoring appointment today. There were follicles in my ovaries on day 3 for the first time in 2 months. Which is wonderful, however…they look more like cycle day 10 or 12. In fact my ultrasound tech was more excited about it than I was. Bless her.

Lets talk numbers.

E2, 426. FSH 3.0 LH 8.8. Normally my RE doesn’t test for LH at this point but after the E2 being so high and FSH being so low, he wanted to see how close I was to my LH surge. In case you have no idea what these numbers mean, let me just say that e2 is crazy high.

This sets a new record for highest E2 and lowest FSH ever. Much less on day 3. Everyone in the office was talking about it, nurses kept coming up to me ” I just saw your chart are you sure its only day 3?” I’ve always wanted to be the person who actually is every single use case scenario. No, actually I’ve never ever wanted that.

If you don’t know what a “use case” is, it’s a software development term  used to define every possible exception, every odd occurrence, every strange happening.

The prodigals right ovary made a rare appearance today with 2 follicles, measuring 24.9, so that’s probably a cyst, and 21.1. The more demure and under performing left ovary had one follicle that is 16.3.

Dr Y asked me point-blank “Have you been taking some drugs that I don’t know about?” I squeaked “Drugs?” He said “Yes fertility medications?” My jaw dropped and I said “OF COURSE NOT. I hate them. Clomid makes me feel like a beast” and he started laughing. For which I gave him the evil stink eye.

I left the clinic with a Lupron shot, to be taken tonight at 10:30, and an egg retrieval scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9:30 which means I will still be having my period during this procedure. Perfect. A whole new layer of humiliation. If it means I get 1 or 2 good eggs, then sign me up. Why not, I said goodbye to my dignity 6 months ago and haven’t seen it since.

I’m amazed that my body just does whatever the hell it wants to and leaves me holding the pink bag, literally, looking like some kind of fertility medication crazy person. As you can see I am willing to embarrass myself to have a baby. Just in relation to monitoring I have endured 20 blood drawings, 20 ultrasounds, half of the building has seen me with no pants on, a handful of people have seen my girly parts more than I have in my whole life, 5 previous egg retrievals, with another on the horizon but taking fertility drugs outside whats prescribed to me? You have to be kidding. I have to draw the line somewhere.

Maybe those Circle and Bloom visualizations are working. Or maybe my body is just a freak show.

I’m happy. I think. I’m a little worried, but I’m glad I don’t have to talk about Kardashians this month.